Greetings, all. I'm bored, and expended all my wit in my comments, so you'll get no intro today. In fact, you'll get no intro and you'll like it. So there. --------------------- NEW DELHI (AP) - Village elders ordered a Muslim man in eastern India to leave his wife after he accidentally divorced her in his sleep, a news report said Tuesday. Aftab Ansari uttered the Urdu word for divorce, "talaq," three times in his sleep, prompting his worried wife to discuss the matter with her friends, according to the Press Trust of India news agency. Under Islamic law, a husband need only say "I divorce you" three times to secure a permanent end to his marriage. Muslim leaders in the couple's village in West Bengal state found out and decreed that Ansari's unconscious utterances constituted a divorce, PTI reported. But 30-year-old Ansari said he had no intention of leaving his wife of 11 years. "I have not given talaq. When I uttered talaq three times I had taken medicines to help me sleep," he was quoted as saying in the report. The religious leaders said that before remarrying, the couple would have to be apart for at least 100 days and that the wife, Sohela, would also have to spend a night with another man and then be divorced by him. PTI reported that the couple has been ostracized because of their refusal to abide by the decision of the village leaders. Funny thing is, if he had said "I'mma kill this bitch" 3 times in his sleep, he'd be eating his wife's falafel right now. Islamic law is Islamic law. Guess he better find a new wife for a couple of months, or he'll have no one he can legally beat. ------------------ INDIANAPOLIS - Seven senior women, ages 76 to 94, just about took it all off for a calendar to raise money to save an Indiana courthouse -- and it worked. A vote by Randolph County Commissioners to rescind their decision to raze the county courthouse is being credited in part to the calendar. "We all feel sure that thing would have been long gone if we hadn't done the calendar," Eileen Herron, an 87-year-old Farmland resident known to calendar buyers as "Miss October," told the Indianapolis Star. The calendar, which netted more than $20,000, shows the women mostly disrobed -- but preserving their honor with strategically placed small replicas of the 19th century courthouse. I was eating when I read this, and nearly choked on my blueberry Nutrigrain bar. This is like that movie "Calendar Girls", except I'm certain these biddy hens weren't nearly as hot (and that's a relative term) as the women in the movie. 94. Think about that - I did. 94. They don't make a replica courthouse BIG enough to preserve her honor. Nevermind the Three Bs - boobs, bush, and booty - what about the turkey neck? What about the jiggle arms? What about the colostomy bag? There is no need for this. Homeland Security should've been notified, because if this isn't domestic terrorism, someone needs to rewrite the definition. I would've given them money, too - just to get them to put their clothes back on. ------------------------- NEW YORK — Britney Spears will soon be giving birth again — in Brooklyn, as a sexy sculpture that has drawn thousands of hate e-mails. "This is a new take on pro-life. Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," Daniel Edwards said of his work, to be unveiled at a Brooklyn gallery in April, months after Edwards' sculpture of Ted Williams severed head stirred up an artistic storm. The life-size pop princess is naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bare-toothed bear rug as the baby's head appears on the opposite end. On Tuesday at his studio in Moosup, Conn., Edwards was pouring a mold to cast the sculpture in resin. It'll be transported to the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in Brooklyn's artsy Williamsburg neighborhood, where Britney the artwork is to appear next to a display case filled with pro-life materials. When some bloggers heard about the exhibit — "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston" — the gallery was inundated with about 3,000 e-mails from around the world in just a week, split between pro-choice and pro-life opinions.

Honestly, do I even need to put a diatribe here about this? They say a picture's worth 1000 words. This one's worth the Encyclopedia Britannica. (Get it? Britannica? Britney? It's a pun. Oh, nevermind.) I don't quite understand why the pro-lifers and pro-choicers are in arms over this. Where the hell are the pro-good tasters? Where are the pro-good arters? Where are the pro-"why should we care"ers? Why is she even still popular? Is white trash really this durable? She hasn't had a hit song since Bush's first term, and people are making statues of her? What, he couldn't get a good pic of Angelina Jolie? Personally, I have a whole list of women I would've chosen ahead of "So I Married A Deadbeat".

• Angelina Jolie
• Halle Berry
• Jessica Alba
• That chick on News 5 here in Dallas
• The Laker Girls
• The lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls
• Patricia/Roseanna Arquette (I'm not picky about which one)
• Pamela Anderson
• Karl Malone's wife Kay
• Anyone with french tip nails
• Anne Curry on the Today Show
• A multitude of porn stars. Nay, a veritable PLETHORA of porn stars.
• Stacy's mom (she's got it going on)
• The hot Latin chick from "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"
• Mariska Hartigay from "Law & Order: SVU"
• Lucy Liu
• Any woman named Dominique
• Laurie's mom ('cause she's so awesome)

According to Wikipedia, a "Chinese fire drill" is defined as: "a prank that was popular in the United States during the 1960s. It is performed when a car is stopped at a red traffic light, at which point all of the car's occupants get out, run around the car, and return to their own (or other) seats. "The term is also used as a figure of speech to mean any large, ineffective, and chaotic exercise. It is alleged to have originated in the early 1900s, during an naval incident wherein a ship manned by British officers and a Chinese crew set up a fire drill for fighting a fire in the engine room. In the event of a fire the crew was to form a bucket brigade, drawing water from the starboard side, taking it to the engine room and throwing it on the 'fire'. Because water would accumulate in the engine room, another crew was to take the excess thrown water and haul it back up to the main deck, and then heave it over the port side (in order to bail it out).When the drill was called the first moments went according to plan, but then orders became confused in translation. The crew for the bucket brigade began drawing the water from the starboard side, running over to the port side, and then throwing the water over, and so by-passing the engine room completely. Thus the expression "Chinese Fire Drill" entered our lexicon as meaning a large confused action by individuals accomplishing nothing." I bet you're wondering why I mentioned all this, making you read stuff all early in the morning. It's because I had an interesting Friday morning at work. As I've mentioned in Chinese 101 and Chinese 102, I work for a Chinese company with many native Chinese employees, which means that even eating lunch in the breakroom is a cultural event. Well, on Friday, the fire alarm went off in the building. I'm on the 5th floor, and I immediately began grabbing my shit, 'cause fire or no fire, I'm not leaving my iPod in here to die. I'd pay ransom money for my iPod. I love it that much. Our receptionist was walking nearby, and I asked her if this was a drill, 'cause at Cisco, they ran fire drills pretty often, but they'd let you know it was a drill so that you wouldn't trample people as you ran screaming for the nearest exit. She told me that we don't do drills here, so I began double-timing my packing efforts. As I finally scooped up my backpack and rounded the corner of my office, aiming for the stairwell, I saw the unexplainable - a large group of my coworkers, milling about, not moving, not heading for the stairwell, not doing ANYTHING except making small talk in the hallway, all while an inferno was surely blazing somewhere on a floor below. I was actually stunned -if this was anywhere else, there'd be at least 3 people with Florsheim footprints on the backs of their necks from people stepping on them to get at the stairs. I made up my mind right there that somebody was about to get run smooth the hell over, and just as I started my Bataan Death March toward the crowd, the alarm shut off. Crisis averted. Turns out they were just testing the system. But as I watched everyone shuffle off to their desks, a thought occurred to me. It was an evil thought. I didn't ask for it; it approached me from behind, offering me Tang and oatmeal pies and Playstation Portables. It invited itself into my brain, put its feet on my coffee table, and bought $100 worth of adult channels. It called my mama a bitch and ran up my light bill. And do you wanna know what that thought was, that evil, evil thought? "Holy shit. This is a REAL LIVE Chinese fire drill!" I am so going to hell. Peace.

***COMMENT EDIT**** For everyone who is looking for the comments, click on the number at the top of each post. Yeah, I know it's not intuitive, and I've got April on the task, helping me fix it. Actually, she's doing all the fixing, and I'm just waiting for her to drop the code on me. Thanks, Ape. Proceed. ***END EDIT**** So, I did like Laurie ('cause I always try to emulate her) and submitted my blog to the I Talk 2 Much crew for review. And I was nervous. I crack a rib when I read Laurie's blog, but I know mine is more of a 'chuckler' than a laugh-a-minute riot. But hey - why not? What could it hurt, right? Then I started reading the reviews they give to other blogs. Oh. My. Damn. They are evil, rude, vindictive, vicious, mean-spirited, mouthy, and rotten. And those are the GOOD reviews. But they're also honest, and they'll tell you when your shit's crooked, unlike many people who just say "no, it's wonderful!" and then make the universal gag motion with their index finger in their mouths. So, I waited. And waited. And finally, Laurie got her rating: 5 smacks outta 5. I was so happy for her - and scared for me. I knew my blog had its issues, and because I'm lazy, I hadn't addressed them. I started bowing up, getting ready to be disappointed (which, coincidentally, is how I prepare for most things in my life. It's easier to prep for disappointment and be pleasantly surprised when it doesn't happen, than the other way around). I was waiting on my negative smacks, waiting with bated breath (I had been eating some Funyons, and you know, I don't have a toothbrush handy here at work). Then the word came down: I received 3 smacks outta 5. And I was...elated! Really, I was, and still am. It's nice to be recognized, and the IT2M crew pointed out several areas that needed attention, which I immediately jumped on (seeing as how someone was calling me out on my shit, you know). Allow me to point out the features of the new and improved Almost Infamous blog:

1. NO MORE ADS! Yep, the ads are history. It seemed like a good idea at the time - I write, you read, you click links, you buy shit, I get paid. But you muhfuckas didn't honor your side of the deal, and I got paid less than a humpback working for commission at a Maybelline convention. Thanks. I 'ppreciate that. Y'all know y'all coulda used SOMETHING from one of my links. But that's alright - I'm not bitter. Tart and tangy, yes. Bitter, no.
2. Donation button is history. Not a one of you (except Fyrchk) gave me a dollar. AND I GAVE IT RIGHT BACK! That's all I wanted. $1 US currency. But you couldn't be bothered. Again, not bitter. It's gone now, so go on happily reading my shit, this time without the lingering shame and remorse of not paying me for my time. It's all good. Bitches.
3. New template. Now, I've been wanting a new template, but I'm lazy and ADD, and these two things conspire to prevent me from doing damn-near anything that I WANNA do, but don't HAVE to do. This is a classic case of me being in the car on the way to work or home, saying "I really need to update my template. It's jacked up.", and then promptly forgetting about it when something funny comes on the satellite radio or when some random kid wants to ball-punch me at daycare. That's how my mind works - I go from one shiny object to the next.
4. I moved the statcounter to the very bottom of the page, for no reason at all. It's my blog, and I can do what I want to.
5. There are pics of me at the top of the blog, because my face scares children, and no children should be reading my blog.
6. I added a nice link to the IT2M gang to show my appreciation. Hey, blogroll me now! I'm all un-jacked up! And I could really use the traffic, 'cause I have all these ads that I...oh. Oh yeah. Nevermind.

Greetings! Sorry y'all had to wait a whole extra day for the Diatribe, but I had shit to do yesterday, and entertaining the masses who sit on their asses didn't make the cut. Not that I don't love you or anything. Read on, folks. Plenty more where this came from! -----

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - Australian strippers have won the right to take time off after taking their clothes off. The country's Industrial Relations Commission on Friday approved new workplace rules for members of the strippers' union, the Striptease Artists Australia. "We've got rights to have public holiday pay now, which we've never had in our career before," said a union spokeswoman called Mystical Melody. "We've got rosters and set hours. We can't work more than 10 hours a shift." The award also entitles unionized strippers to overtime, rest periods, meal breaks and maternity leave, she added. "The majority of workers in the industry are women," Melody said, "so it's probably a really great thing for them to be able to feel confident of having a job after they've had their babies." Industrial relations commissioner Bill Mansfield said the award set out minimum working conditions but did not set out pay rates. It was not immediately clear how many members the union has. Its members are believed to work mainly in strip bars and as erotic dancers. In the past, other strippers have criticized the union, saying its demands for better pay and conditions could lead to job losses.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. This is wonderful news. Strippers in Australia have a voice, and it's not just saying "more cocaine, please" or "can I pay my cable bill in $1 bills". They get holiday pay, overtime...all the things people with regular jobs receive. But honestly, I don't think their leader, Mystical Magic (Mystical Magic? You gotta be kidding me. Even as stripper names go, this is a BAD one. Was Scarlett Letter already taken? Jesus.), went far enough. I mean, what about the special needs that only strippers have? Why isn't alcohol and recreational drug use folded into the health care plan? They could hit the liquor store, pay a small copay, and walk out with all the Hennessey they could drink before passing out. Why aren't boob jobs and butthole bleachings included? For sure, mental illness coverage better be top fucking notch, 'cause a lot of these strippers...well, let's just say they could use the benefit, ok? As for maternity leave....come on. For most strip clubs, the "maternity" part is de-emphasized for that oh-so-attractive "leave" portion, as in "Leave, fake hooker." I've been to a couple of strip clubs where the women were obviously mothers - and it wasn't a pretty sight. There's nothing like a C-section scar on a stripper to make you think of hot buttered sex. Yummy! (I'm not anti-C-section scar on women as a whole - just on strippers. A mild clarification, before I get hit by 1000 4" clear heels.) ------- BATAVIA, Ohio - Here's one reason to avoid walking on other people's lawns: you might get killed. A 15-year-old boy was shot and killed by his neighbor after he walked across his yard. The killer, 66-year-old Charles Martin, was described by neighbors as being devoted to his well-kept lawn. A 911 tape recorded Martin as saying, "I just killed a kid." Martin also told a dispatcher, "I've been harassed by him and his parents for five years. Today just blew it up." The victim, Larry Mugrage, was Martin's neighbor. Police report that Martin and Mugrage had previous arguments over the yard. After arguing again Sunday, Martin waited outside when Mugrage returned and shot him twice. He then called 911, said officials.

This must've been some yard. Seriously, this yard must've been comprised wholly of pure four-leaf clovers or blueberry yum-yum (that's a type of marijuana, for the unknowledgeable - not that I'm knowledgeable, per se, but I hear things) or gold-laced vagina plants in order for a guy to get so pissed off that he'd shoot a kid. This guy wasn't a good guy, and you can tell by his 911 call. "I just killed a kid." You could substitute any word for "kid" in that statement, and his real sentiment shines through. Try it. "I just killed a cat." "I just killed a llama." "I just killed a congressional hearing." No remorse. Then he starts to justify it by saying he'd been terrorized by the family. Bullshit. You don't shoot kids 'cause you've been terrorized. You leave a pile of stinking cat litter by the front door. You blast your stereo in their direction at 3:53am. You steal their mail. YOU DO NOT SHOOT THEIR KID. The fucker WAITED for the kid. He watched him cross the lawn, he waited outside, and when he came back, he shot him. This was an ambush, pure and simple. It's a good thing he likes grass and green things, 'cause he's gonna be tossing many a salad in jail. Bastard.

------- TORONTO - A suspect trying to evade police officers picked the wrong spot to hide. He climbed underneath a parked tractor-trailer which suddenly started moving down Highway 401 before he could let go. He clung to the trailer until a motorist driving by noticed him hanging below the truck and called police. Officers had to perform a risky vehicle stop with cruisers fanning out to stop other vehicles. After they stopped the trucker, who wasn't aware of his extra load, they arrested the man. "I'm amazed that this young man is still alive, to be honest with you," Ontario Provincial Police Const. Joel Doiron said. The man had been a suspect in an investigation over a stolen car.

Ever have one of those moments where you know you've fucked up, you're sure of it, but you have no idea how to extricate yourself from your predicament, and everything you try is wrong, and you end up evading police officers who are looking for you 'cause you're under suspicion of stealing cars, and you decide to hide under a tractor trailer because you saw Mel Gibson or Jackie Chan or someone else do that in a movie you half-watched 'cause you were high out of your mind on acid and Fritos, and then the truck started moving, and you clung on because you were afraid you'd die if you let go (and you were RIGHT about that), and the truck didn't stop until someone in another vehicle saw you hanging there like a pregnant opossum holding onto a tree branch with U.S. XPRESS written on the side of it, and they called the cops, who got the driver to stop the truck, and they pulled your dumb, country ass off the bottom of the truck, and then the cops, the stupid, stupid cops, arrested you?

This guy had a moment just like that.

Peace.

Parents, especially parents of multiple kids, are jaded. We've heard and seen it all - twice and in technicolor. You learn to ignore the minor stuff, and roll with the big stuff the best you can. More than anything else, though, parents have to deal with the Repeating Concept Principle - the idea that a sentence or question must be stated an infinite number of times by a child to a parent before the parent can comprehend and respond correctly. You learn to handle this, usually by just sighing and answering the question. Every now and then, though, your kids will get on your ever-lovin'-last nerve, and it's all you can do not to say to them the things you'd REALLY like to say, but if you did, would result in a visit from Child Protective Services. So you learn to hold your tongue, and answer the same...damn...question for the 1,453,243th time just as patiently as you did the first 1,453,242 times. But sometimes you just gotta break out, man. My 3YO is very attached to Momma - so much so that he can't let her out of his sight without immediately asking "Where Mommy? Where she go?" For Christmas he got her a global positioning satellite tracking system - so he could track her. I think for her birthday, he's gonna get her one of those chips that folks get implanted under their skin. So anyway, about 10 minutes ago, Mommy walked down the hall to get something, and she had been gone maybe 7 seconds when the following conversation took place: 3YO: "Where Mommy?" Me "She went down the hall." 3YO: "Oh." ---10 seconds pass--- 3YO: "Where Mommy?" Me: "She went to the moon." 3YO: "What?" Me: "She went to the moon, 3YO." (pause) 3YO: "She went in a rocket?" Me: "Yessir, hopped right in and ZOOM!" 3YO: "Like Power Rangers?" (He's obsessed with the Power Rangers.) Me: "Yes, just like Power Rangers." 3YO: "Power Rangers S.P.D.?" Me: "No, Power Rangers Mystic Force." (There's no reason for me to make this distinction except to yank his chain.) 3YO: "Oh. Why her go to the moon, Daddy?" Me: "She had to go to the moon store to get some bread." 3YO (confused as hell): "The moon store?" Me: "Yep, to get some bread for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches." (pause) 3YO: "Oh." When Mommy walked in about 10 minutes later, 3YO said to her "You're back from the moon store now?" And she was utterly confused. Two birds with one stone, baby. Score! Peace.

Welcome to the Diatribe, everyone. Lots of stuff happening in the news today, from Texas wildfires to Saddam's trial to the Playstation 3 getting pushed back unto November, which sucks a lot. But it does give me time to save my money so I can stand in line. But I won't be discussing these newsworthy items; nay, the scope of today's discussion extends beyond the soaring gas prices and Bush's approval rating (which is so low, it should be on a scale of 1 to 10 now). I have other things to discuss with you, gentle reader. Let us procede. ----------- NEW YORK - It's bad enough to rack up a $241,000 credit card bill. It's even worse when you spend that whole 241K in one night...at a topless club. CEO Robert A. McCormick is being sued by American Express for payment of disputed credit card charges at the Manhattan club Scores. The credit card company claims that the Savvis Inc. CEO visited the club in October 2003 with at least three other men. However, when McCormick received the bill, Savvis called American Express to complain that some of the charges were fraudulent. The communications company said its CEO disputed all but about $20,000. Scores spokesman Lonnie Hanover said that "high rollers" spend thousands of dollars on single bottles of champagne and tip strippers as much as $10,000 for lap dances. $241,000 at a strip club - in ONE night. Holy hell. Now, I've never been to Scores, though I hear Howard Stern talk about it frequently. Supposedly it's one of the best strip clubs in all the land, providing God knows what to all sorts of lonely chaps. I say lonely because strip clubs are the ultimate scam. You go there, blow wads of cash (sometimes upwards of $241,000, apparently), and in the end, you go home empty-handed. I mean, you don't even walk in there expecting to come out with anything - you KNOW you're just gonna lose money. And for what? So some coke fiend named Lexus can grind her cold, clammy ass onto your fully-clothed lap, while you sit there not touching her? It's a waste of time. I'm certainly not anti-hot chick - I love beautiful as much as the next man not named Simon Crowell (he's gay, y'all. Feel it), but for the life of me I can't see just throwing them money, just to know that at the end of the song, the girl disappears in a puff of smoke like a ninja. And to blow through $241K is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS! The most expensive whores on earth don't cost that, and they'll give you head! Strippers won't even give you their real name! $10,000 lap dance tips? Jeez. The funny part of the story is that he disputed all but $20,000 of the charges, meaning he copped to blowing $20K in one night, which is still TOO MUCH. For $20K, the chicks better be doing things that "Real Sex" on HBO wouldn't even film. I'm just saying. ------------- NEW ZEALAND - The Federal Magistrate's Court awarded $10,000 compensation to a fired insurance broker who repeatedly came to work intoxicated - and had even urinated in a wastebasket. Jirra Collings Ware claimed his workplace discriminated against his attention deficit disorder. He admitted in court to frequently coming back late from lunch when he drank alcohol and had been warned not to return to work drunk. Workplace experts warn that the court's ruling in favor of Ware could open the gates for other employees to claim ADD or depression in cases such as these. Ware was awarded $10,000 compensation plus termination payments and other costs. WHOA! He came to work drunk, repeatedly, and took a piss in a trash can...and got paid? And he ADMIITTED it in court! This man is my hero. Hey, I have ADD. It's not even being treated currently, because of certain...side effects. I realize that this was in New Zealand, home of Xena the Warrior Princess and the New Zealand Sheepherders (does anyone other than me remember this pro wrestling team? They wore white-on-black camoflage pants, and bit each other's head a lot - dammit, there goes my ADD again), but maybe I can do that here. I can be a landmark case in litigation! I could throw a little racial discrimination in there to boost my profits, too. I should be able to clear $20K, easy. Then I can help CEO Robert A. McCormick pay off his AmEx bill from the previous story. ------------- NEW YORK - Potential jurors in the New York money laundering trial of the founding brothers of hip-hop label Murder Inc. took a written test to determine their Rap-Q. The 22-page questionnaire given to the federal jury pool of 125 sought their opinions of rap music, asked if they were fans of a number of hip-hop's superstars including Ashanti and Ja Rule, who rose to fame on Murder Inc., now known as The Inc., the New York Post reported Monday. The government charges Irv and Chris "Gotti" Lorenzo started their label with seed money from drug kingpin Kenneth "Supreme" McGriff and laudered his drug money through their record dealings. *GASP* Clutch the pearls! Rap guys are possibly...SHADY? How will I ever listen to rap again, knowing that? I'm gonng have to start listening to hasidic Jewish reggae rappers now. (No joke - check out a guy named Matisyahu, who *is* a hasidic Jewish reggae rapper). The real funny in this story is the thought of the jurors going over the questionnaire. Here are some questions I would've included on there, had I written it:

1. How many times was 50 Cent shot?
2. If a train leaves New York going 40 mph, and one leaves Detroit going 50 mph, how many girls could R. Kelly piss on before he got caught?
3. How fat IS Fat Joe?
4. If you name your record label Murder, Inc., how long will it take for someone in your organization to get arrested for murder?
5. If you're "beefin'" with a fellow juror, does that mean you're fighting with him, or that you've invited him over for dinner?
6. If you have 6 8-balls, and you get pulled over by the cops, how many 8-balls do you have to give the cops to reduce your crime from Trafficking to Reckless Endangerment?
7. What is an 8-ball?
8. Do you have any weed on you?
9. Provide the name and styles of 3 of the greatest freestyle rappers who ever lived.
10. Is Tupac still alive? If not, how has he put out a new album every year in the 10 years he's been dead?

Picture time! I've got nothing better to write about, so I'm slinging some pics up for your amusement. These were all done over the weekend, a weekend that included a gig at Club Clearview Friday night (which utterly rocked), and a visit to a park yesterday. Nonetheless band photo. From the left: Gordie, me, Jmart, Trip, and Rowdy. Rock stars! Me onstage Friday night, along with Gordie and Jmart. Unseen are Rowdy (behind the drums) and Trip (off-camera to the right). Hottest stage ON EARTH. I swear I saw a gila monster with a snowcone up there, it was so damn hot. Jmart, just before he took off his shirt, which happens about halfway through the first song. Every time. Dottie and Trip, chillin'. Dottie and me, pre-show. The D.O.T. is one of our biggest supporters. Check the t-shirt. Gordie and Jmart, after a few beers and cheers. Ooooooh, I'm thuggin'! This is how I get down at a show, baby. Rowdy, showing her stuff. See how she's rocking the band t-shirt? You should buy one, too. Yes, YOU! Sweet, sweet Newcastle Brown Ale. It HAD to be brown. And it had to be cold, after losing about 4 pounds in sweat onstage. At the park with DWW, 6YO, and 3YO yesterday. In a paddleboat, no less. And y'all know black people can't swim. That's DWW in the background, which is as much of her as you'll ever see. She's shy like that. 6YO, just hangin' around. He does this at home too, only he uses the ceiling fans. 3YO, performing a test to see if gravity still works. He was successful. Peace.

I told you about the spinning rims on this post, but I now have videographic evidence of the atrocity. The sound quality is meh, but you'll get the drift. Look at how all "investigative reporter" I got with it. I was lucky - not 10 seconds after I shut off the camera, the owner came out and waved at me. I waved back, 'cause hey, bad judgement does not a bad person make. Besides - who knows what else they'll whip out in the future? Why ruin comedy yet to come? Oh, and ignore the troll-looking ugly bastard who appears at the end of it. That's me, without my makeup on. Peace.

This week, the diatribes DIDN'T come from Bizarre News, so I have no need to pimp them. Although I just did. Dammit. Don't look at me. Read. --------------------------------------------- WEST MIFFLIN, Pa. (AP) - A 75-year-old woman accused of robbing a bank with an unloaded pistol was arrested after a tow truck driver blocked her in after a short chase, police said. Marilyn Divine of Baldwin said after her arrest that she acted "to help people who are starving to death and nobody cares about them." She didn't specify to whom she was referring. Police said the robber walked up to the National City Bank inside the Shop n' Save supermarket in West Mifflin at about 10:30 a.m. Monday and demanded money from two tellers, brandishing a 9mm handgun. She was wearing a gray sweat suit, a Steelers tassel cap, and had a scarf pulled around her face, police said. A former bank employee chased the woman's car until police took over and arrested her after a short, low-speed chase when the tow truck blocked her path. Police said they recovered all the stolen money, which totaled about $5,000. Divine was in the Allegheny County Jail unable to post bond Monday night on charges including armed robbery and reckless endangerment. I can just see Granny Divine, looking like O-Dog from "Menace II Society". I wonder what the teller said, when Divine told her it was a stick-up. If it was me, I would've thrown my back out from laughing too hard - until she pulled out her 9 milly. I would've then gone from 0 to "Punk" in about 2.2 seconds, setting a new Guiness World Record for Becoming Someone's Bitch. I've had a gun pulled on me once, and I gotta tell you, it's real hard to be cool when you can damn-near see the bullet sitting in the chamber. And this guy wasn't even gonna jack me or shoot me - he was just showing off. You will lose. Your. Fucking. Cool. And you try hard to keep cool - it just doesn't happen. Me, I got all curious, like "S-say, homie, friend, homeboy, i-i-is that a B-b-b-beretta? I've never s-s-s-seen one so close - I mean, up close. Could y-y-y-you, um, show me what the back of it looks like? I got a pretty good look at the front p-p-p-part." Seriously though, her statements show you how bad the elderly can be in our country. As in, they will ROB YOUR ASS. If you see an octogenarian with a walker and a do-rag, RUN. HARD. ---------------------- BERLIN (Reuters) - A German farmer confessed to feeding the corpse of an elderly family friend to his pigs and then stealing from his bank account, police said Monday. Police ruled out murder and the 29-year-old farmer has been charged with improper burial and fraud. The elderly friend died in the farmer's yard in February 2005 and the farmer, through his mother, had power-of-attorney giving him access to the dead man's bank account and pension. The farmer initially put the corpse in a deep freezer, police in the German town of Frizlar-Haddamar said, and told curious locals the old man was in a nursing home. "From lectures about various religions the 29-year-old knew that Buddhists either burn the dead or allow wild animals to eat them. That was how he decided to feed the corpse to his pigs," the police statement said. He let the corpse thaw, dismembered it and fed it to his pigs. He put the parts the pigs did not eat into a sack and buried it. The farmer told police "it was a great act of stupidity" and said "the only explanation was his difficult financial situation at the time." Sooooooooo...dude dies on his farm, in the yard. Now, I've never been to Germany, but I'm pretty sure there's some sort of governmental department that's responsible for disposing of dead people. I bet they don't even charge all that much - probably a minor pickup fee. Hell, shave some fur off a horse, rubber cement it to the dude's ass, and call the ASPCA. Or the GSPCA. Or whatever the hell the group is called there. Tell 'em its a coyote. Oh, but no. Mr. MENSA has to make up an elaborate tale about nursing homes. Then he blames Buddha for giving him the idea to chop the poor bastard up and feed him to the pigs. Buddha's standing there, hands in the air, saying "Wasn't me. Ask Krishna about it." And THEN to feed the body to his OWN pigs!!! Can you imagine him having people over for dinner, serving them pork chops, and having them say "Gee, Heinrich, these chops have an interesting flavor. What is that, Metamucil?" I don't care how bad my finances have been (and they've been bad, ladies and gents - trust), never ONCE has the idea of feeding humans to pigs as a way to pay student loans entered my broke-ass mind. If I thought it would work, though, I'd have a very interesting solution to the homeless problem in America. ---------------- LONDON (AP) - Bars and nightclubs in London and other British cities have begun using vending machines that sell sex toys such as mini vibrators. The pink Tabooboo machines had previously been used in public toilets in Britain, under the assumption that such settings gave buyers some privacy. But Geoff Todd, manager of the Alphabet Bar in London's West End area, said the Tabooboo machine it installed in the middle of the bar is used daily. "Some people use it just because it's in the bar. Some make a special journey, maybe because they are to embarrassed to go into a sex shop," Todd was quoted as saying by Monday's The Guardian newspaper. "Some buy the toys because they are a novelty, some do it for a laugh, some buy them as presents. It's been a great success." In addition to bars and nightclubs in London, Manchester and Newcastle, the vending machines also have begun to show up in hairdressing salons, health clubs and retail stores, Tabooboo managing director Alan Lucas said. He said the company also has exported about 20 of the machines to Italy and about 10 to the United States. "The younger generation isn't phased by sex toys. They don't believe they equal pornography. Vending machines allow them to buy such products anonymously without going to a seedy sex shops to do so," Lucas said. The 11 different sex toys carried by the Tabooboo vending machines sell for an average 5 pounds (euro7.30, US$8.80) each, Lucas said. Wait - people too embarassed to go to a sex shop to buy a vibrator are coming to BARS to buy them out in the open? Isn't that like a crackhead trying to get crack from the Evidence room at a police station, because they're too embarrassed to buy it on the corner? Wait, maybe it's not like that at all. Whatever. Sometimes my analogies chop the "-ogies" part right off. Based on some of the prices I've seen for vibrators, being able to get one for about $9 will be a major boon for a lot of women. You can all put your electric toothbrushes and your 2-way pagers and your washing machines (on spin cycle) down - there's a cheaper option. But would you really trust a sex toy that came from a vending machine? It can't be that durable. Are they made by Mattel or Hasbro? Nah, probably Tonka. And would you walk up to the vending guy and say "Uh, can you put in 2 rows of Astroglide this time? Holla." "Hey man, you're fresh out of butt plugs. Do you ship the Larges?" Ok, that last one was bad. But you've come to expect that from me by now, dammit. Lap it up. Peace.

Milestone, baby! This is officially my 100th post on my blog. When I started this thing, I figured it would be a repository for the handful of stories I've told over and over in my life, and it has evolved to being....a repository for stories I've told and adventures I've had since. The cool thing is, I've met great people and made friends who I would not have, otherwise. And my writing has gotten stronger, I believe, and more focused (ADD notwithstanding). Or not. Either way, I hit 100, and I never really thought I'd get that far with it. And you bitches are along for the ride. Shockingly, I have nothing much to say on this post. A couple of cool things have happened, though: - I found out that I'll likely be going to China in late May/early June for work stuff. Based on my Italy trip, I'm sure it'll be a blog-worthy experience. ni-GAH! - A good friend came to town this weekend, and I had a wonderful time hanging out. Nothing like beer, barbecue, and good conversation to make the good times roll. Word. -I had a very weird experience last night. I went out with my bandmates to support a friend-band who was playing at a local bar. I was the 1st of my crew to arrive, and as I was standing there rocking out, I got a tap on the shoulder from a blonde woman behind me. She said "Are you with Nonetheless?" Now, long-time readers know that Nonetheless is the band I'm in. For me to be actually recognized was a heady experience. And by "heady" I mean I got into full-blown Rock Star mode, all puffing out my chest, grooming the ol' eyebrows. You know. I was feelin' myself. Then she said "Yeah, I recognized you from my boyfriend's band page." Big head deflated. I could almost hear the air coming out, with the same sound that comes from a balloon when you pull the sides of the opening apart. You know, that same sound that would annoy the shit out of your parents when you....you get the drift. It was still cool, though. I'll holla at y'all when I have more to say. Peace.

Greetings! It's Wednesday, which means it's time for a scheduled DDD, although that word "scheduled" should be taken with a full Morton's box of salt, since I'll post the DDD any damn time I please. It just so happens that today, I please. On with the shiz-ow! -------------- HARRISBURG, Pa. - A woman was sitting on the ledge of a 23rd-floor apartment when she decided she wanted to touch her feet to a window one story below. Little did she know that would be the last decision she would ever make. The woman, 23-year-old Rachel Kozlusky, asked her boyfriend Kevin Eckenrode to help her reach the lower window. "He grabbed (her) under the armpits from behind with his hands and lowered her to the window below," police Detective Donald Heffner wrote in the court papers. "During this time she slipped out of his hands and fell to her death." Not surprisingly, the pair had been drinking before the incident Saturday evening. Eckenrode has been charged with homicide and was being held without bail Tuesday morning. Ooooooooh, damn. Damn. Stupid people should either be made to live on the bottom floors, where they can't hurt anyone or themselves, or made to live on the very top, so that everyone can get a show when that stupidity flairs up. She wanted to touch the window one story below? Am I the only person who thinks this sounds fishy? No wonder his ass is charged with homicide. He murdered common sense. We all know what happened here. He wanted a threesome with her twin sister, she said no, he suggested her mom, she got upset, and he threw her out of the window. As if he's fooling somebody. --------- MCKEESPORT, Pa. - What at first appeared to be a horrifying act of self-mutilation at a Pennsylvania convenience store turned out to have been an attempt to foil a drug test. The incident at a GetGo in McKeesport began when a couple entered the store. The man went into the restroom and emerged soon after with something wrapped in a napkin, which he asked the clerk to heat in the microwave. The object began giving off a foul odor and, as the clerk opened it, she saw something that looked like a penis. The couple grabbed the object and hurried away as she called police. Police now say that the object was a fake used to cheat in urine tests. The man allegedly went into the men's room to fill it with his own urine and then asked to have it heated so it would be body temperature when the urine was given up for analysis. Can you imagine what that clerk thought when she opened that microwave and saw what she thought was a penis on a napkin in there? I would've quit, on the spot. No 2 weeks notice, no clocking out, no training a replacement. Gone. Ghost. Swayze. Audi 5000. Why couldn't they do this at home? I just took a drug test a few weeks ago, and without incriminating myself in any way at all, I have to say that there are numerous less drastic ways to pass a test than this genius idea. The best way, of course, is to NOT GET HIGH BEFORE TAKING A DRUG TEST! But that's too easy, I suppose. I hope he passed, 'cause I want my fries to be fresh when I hit the Mickey D's drive-through. --------- LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Of all the things a homeless person might try to steal, I wouldn't think sheep would be one of them. However, homeless man Grady Allen Carnahan was caught trying to steal a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo on Tuesday night. A security guard called police after noticing a man lugging a trash can with a sheep inside. Carnahan tried to tell police he was a doctor and the sheep was sick. He fought with officers when they tried to take him into custody. He was later arrested on numerous charges and the sheep was returned to its home at the zoo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why are they bothering this poor man, who obviously found his true love in the petting zoo? It's Little Rock! You know good and damn well he's not the only man in Little Rock who wants a little mutton action on the side. The security guard was probably just mad 'cause it was his turn that night. The sheep's name is Donna, and she's a dirty, dirty girl. Here's the funny thing, though - imagine a homeless man trying to convince a security guard that's he's a doctor (I guess he meant 'veterinarian') who makes late-night house calls to zoos, and takes them to his treatment facility - in a trash can. Then had the temerity to fight with the officers. But you know what? He got the last laugh. He has a roof over his head now, and 3 square meals a day. ni-GAH! Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I don't make this shit up.