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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 3/29/2006

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Greetings, all. I'm bored, and expended all my wit in my comments, so you'll get no intro today. In fact, you'll get no intro and you'll like it. So there. --------------------- NEW DELHI (AP) - Village elders ordered a Muslim man in eastern India to leave his wife after he accidentally divorced her in his sleep, a news report said Tuesday. Aftab Ansari uttered the Urdu word for divorce, "talaq," three times in his sleep, prompting his worried wife to discuss the matter with her friends, according to the Press Trust of India news agency. Under Islamic law, a husband need only say "I divorce you" three times to secure a permanent end to his marriage. Muslim leaders in the couple's village in West Bengal state found out and decreed that Ansari's unconscious utterances constituted a divorce, PTI reported. But 30-year-old Ansari said he had no intention of leaving his wife of 11 years. "I have not given talaq. When I uttered talaq three times I had taken medicines to help me sleep," he was quoted as saying in the report. The religious leaders said that before remarrying, the couple would have to be apart for at least 100 days and that the wife, Sohela, would also have to spend a night with another man and then be divorced by him. PTI reported that the couple has been ostracized because of their refusal to abide by the decision of the village leaders. Funny thing is, if he had said "I'mma kill this bitch" 3 times in his sleep, he'd be eating his wife's falafel right now. Islamic law is Islamic law. Guess he better find a new wife for a couple of months, or he'll have no one he can legally beat. ------------------ INDIANAPOLIS - Seven senior women, ages 76 to 94, just about took it all off for a calendar to raise money to save an Indiana courthouse -- and it worked. A vote by Randolph County Commissioners to rescind their decision to raze the county courthouse is being credited in part to the calendar. "We all feel sure that thing would have been long gone if we hadn't done the calendar," Eileen Herron, an 87-year-old Farmland resident known to calendar buyers as "Miss October," told the Indianapolis Star. The calendar, which netted more than $20,000, shows the women mostly disrobed -- but preserving their honor with strategically placed small replicas of the 19th century courthouse. I was eating when I read this, and nearly choked on my blueberry Nutrigrain bar. This is like that movie "Calendar Girls", except I'm certain these biddy hens weren't nearly as hot (and that's a relative term) as the women in the movie. 94. Think about that - I did. 94. They don't make a replica courthouse BIG enough to preserve her honor. Nevermind the Three Bs - boobs, bush, and booty - what about the turkey neck? What about the jiggle arms? What about the colostomy bag? There is no need for this. Homeland Security should've been notified, because if this isn't domestic terrorism, someone needs to rewrite the definition. I would've given them money, too - just to get them to put their clothes back on. ------------------------- NEW YORK — Britney Spears will soon be giving birth again — in Brooklyn, as a sexy sculpture that has drawn thousands of hate e-mails. "This is a new take on pro-life. Pro-lifers normally promote bloody images of abortion. This is the image of birth," Daniel Edwards said of his work, to be unveiled at a Brooklyn gallery in April, months after Edwards' sculpture of Ted Williams severed head stirred up an artistic storm. The life-size pop princess is naked and pregnant, crouching face-down on a bare-toothed bear rug as the baby's head appears on the opposite end. On Tuesday at his studio in Moosup, Conn., Edwards was pouring a mold to cast the sculpture in resin. It'll be transported to the Capla Kesting Fine Art gallery in Brooklyn's artsy Williamsburg neighborhood, where Britney the artwork is to appear next to a display case filled with pro-life materials. When some bloggers heard about the exhibit — "Monument to Pro-Life: The Birth of Sean Preston" — the gallery was inundated with about 3,000 e-mails from around the world in just a week, split between pro-choice and pro-life opinions.

Honestly, do I even need to put a diatribe here about this? They say a picture's worth 1000 words. This one's worth the Encyclopedia Britannica. (Get it? Britannica? Britney? It's a pun. Oh, nevermind.) I don't quite understand why the pro-lifers and pro-choicers are in arms over this. Where the hell are the pro-good tasters? Where are the pro-good arters? Where are the pro-"why should we care"ers? Why is she even still popular? Is white trash really this durable? She hasn't had a hit song since Bush's first term, and people are making statues of her? What, he couldn't get a good pic of Angelina Jolie? Personally, I have a whole list of women I would've chosen ahead of "So I Married A Deadbeat".

  • Angelina Jolie
  • Halle Berry
  • Jessica Alba
  • That chick on News 5 here in Dallas
  • The Laker Girls
  • The lead singer of the Pussycat Dolls
  • Patricia/Roseanna Arquette (I'm not picky about which one)
  • Pamela Anderson
  • Karl Malone's wife Kay
  • Anyone with french tip nails
  • Anne Curry on the Today Show
  • A multitude of porn stars. Nay, a veritable PLETHORA of porn stars.
  • Stacy's mom (she's got it going on)
  • The hot Latin chick from "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle"
  • Mariska Hartigay from "Law & Order: SVU"
  • Lucy Liu
  • Any woman named Dominique
  • Laurie's mom ('cause she's so awesome)
But hey, who am I? I'm no art critic. Maybe this'll go over like the Mona Lisa. Maybe someone should tell Britney what the Mona Lisa is. Peace.


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