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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 3/22/2006

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Greetings! Sorry y'all had to wait a whole extra day for the Diatribe, but I had shit to do yesterday, and entertaining the masses who sit on their asses didn't make the cut. Not that I don't love you or anything. Read on, folks. Plenty more where this came from! -----

SYDNEY, Australia (AP) - Australian strippers have won the right to take time off after taking their clothes off. The country's Industrial Relations Commission on Friday approved new workplace rules for members of the strippers' union, the Striptease Artists Australia. "We've got rights to have public holiday pay now, which we've never had in our career before," said a union spokeswoman called Mystical Melody. "We've got rosters and set hours. We can't work more than 10 hours a shift." The award also entitles unionized strippers to overtime, rest periods, meal breaks and maternity leave, she added. "The majority of workers in the industry are women," Melody said, "so it's probably a really great thing for them to be able to feel confident of having a job after they've had their babies." Industrial relations commissioner Bill Mansfield said the award set out minimum working conditions but did not set out pay rates. It was not immediately clear how many members the union has. Its members are believed to work mainly in strip bars and as erotic dancers. In the past, other strippers have criticized the union, saying its demands for better pay and conditions could lead to job losses.

Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet. This is wonderful news. Strippers in Australia have a voice, and it's not just saying "more cocaine, please" or "can I pay my cable bill in $1 bills". They get holiday pay, overtime...all the things people with regular jobs receive. But honestly, I don't think their leader, Mystical Magic (Mystical Magic? You gotta be kidding me. Even as stripper names go, this is a BAD one. Was Scarlett Letter already taken? Jesus.), went far enough. I mean, what about the special needs that only strippers have? Why isn't alcohol and recreational drug use folded into the health care plan? They could hit the liquor store, pay a small copay, and walk out with all the Hennessey they could drink before passing out. Why aren't boob jobs and butthole bleachings included? For sure, mental illness coverage better be top fucking notch, 'cause a lot of these strippers...well, let's just say they could use the benefit, ok? As for maternity leave....come on. For most strip clubs, the "maternity" part is de-emphasized for that oh-so-attractive "leave" portion, as in "Leave, fake hooker." I've been to a couple of strip clubs where the women were obviously mothers - and it wasn't a pretty sight. There's nothing like a C-section scar on a stripper to make you think of hot buttered sex. Yummy! (I'm not anti-C-section scar on women as a whole - just on strippers. A mild clarification, before I get hit by 1000 4" clear heels.) ------- BATAVIA, Ohio - Here's one reason to avoid walking on other people's lawns: you might get killed. A 15-year-old boy was shot and killed by his neighbor after he walked across his yard. The killer, 66-year-old Charles Martin, was described by neighbors as being devoted to his well-kept lawn. A 911 tape recorded Martin as saying, "I just killed a kid." Martin also told a dispatcher, "I've been harassed by him and his parents for five years. Today just blew it up." The victim, Larry Mugrage, was Martin's neighbor. Police report that Martin and Mugrage had previous arguments over the yard. After arguing again Sunday, Martin waited outside when Mugrage returned and shot him twice. He then called 911, said officials.

This must've been some yard. Seriously, this yard must've been comprised wholly of pure four-leaf clovers or blueberry yum-yum (that's a type of marijuana, for the unknowledgeable - not that I'm knowledgeable, per se, but I hear things) or gold-laced vagina plants in order for a guy to get so pissed off that he'd shoot a kid. This guy wasn't a good guy, and you can tell by his 911 call. "I just killed a kid." You could substitute any word for "kid" in that statement, and his real sentiment shines through. Try it. "I just killed a cat." "I just killed a llama." "I just killed a congressional hearing." No remorse. Then he starts to justify it by saying he'd been terrorized by the family. Bullshit. You don't shoot kids 'cause you've been terrorized. You leave a pile of stinking cat litter by the front door. You blast your stereo in their direction at 3:53am. You steal their mail. YOU DO NOT SHOOT THEIR KID. The fucker WAITED for the kid. He watched him cross the lawn, he waited outside, and when he came back, he shot him. This was an ambush, pure and simple. It's a good thing he likes grass and green things, 'cause he's gonna be tossing many a salad in jail. Bastard.

------- TORONTO - A suspect trying to evade police officers picked the wrong spot to hide. He climbed underneath a parked tractor-trailer which suddenly started moving down Highway 401 before he could let go. He clung to the trailer until a motorist driving by noticed him hanging below the truck and called police. Officers had to perform a risky vehicle stop with cruisers fanning out to stop other vehicles. After they stopped the trucker, who wasn't aware of his extra load, they arrested the man. "I'm amazed that this young man is still alive, to be honest with you," Ontario Provincial Police Const. Joel Doiron said. The man had been a suspect in an investigation over a stolen car.

Ever have one of those moments where you know you've fucked up, you're sure of it, but you have no idea how to extricate yourself from your predicament, and everything you try is wrong, and you end up evading police officers who are looking for you 'cause you're under suspicion of stealing cars, and you decide to hide under a tractor trailer because you saw Mel Gibson or Jackie Chan or someone else do that in a movie you half-watched 'cause you were high out of your mind on acid and Fritos, and then the truck started moving, and you clung on because you were afraid you'd die if you let go (and you were RIGHT about that), and the truck didn't stop until someone in another vehicle saw you hanging there like a pregnant opossum holding onto a tree branch with U.S. XPRESS written on the side of it, and they called the cops, who got the driver to stop the truck, and they pulled your dumb, country ass off the bottom of the truck, and then the cops, the stupid, stupid cops, arrested you?

This guy had a moment just like that.



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