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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 3/1/2006

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Greetings! It's Wednesday, which means it's time for a scheduled DDD, although that word "scheduled" should be taken with a full Morton's box of salt, since I'll post the DDD any damn time I please. It just so happens that today, I please. On with the shiz-ow! -------------- HARRISBURG, Pa. - A woman was sitting on the ledge of a 23rd-floor apartment when she decided she wanted to touch her feet to a window one story below. Little did she know that would be the last decision she would ever make. The woman, 23-year-old Rachel Kozlusky, asked her boyfriend Kevin Eckenrode to help her reach the lower window. "He grabbed (her) under the armpits from behind with his hands and lowered her to the window below," police Detective Donald Heffner wrote in the court papers. "During this time she slipped out of his hands and fell to her death." Not surprisingly, the pair had been drinking before the incident Saturday evening. Eckenrode has been charged with homicide and was being held without bail Tuesday morning. Ooooooooh, damn. Damn. Stupid people should either be made to live on the bottom floors, where they can't hurt anyone or themselves, or made to live on the very top, so that everyone can get a show when that stupidity flairs up. She wanted to touch the window one story below? Am I the only person who thinks this sounds fishy? No wonder his ass is charged with homicide. He murdered common sense. We all know what happened here. He wanted a threesome with her twin sister, she said no, he suggested her mom, she got upset, and he threw her out of the window. As if he's fooling somebody. --------- MCKEESPORT, Pa. - What at first appeared to be a horrifying act of self-mutilation at a Pennsylvania convenience store turned out to have been an attempt to foil a drug test. The incident at a GetGo in McKeesport began when a couple entered the store. The man went into the restroom and emerged soon after with something wrapped in a napkin, which he asked the clerk to heat in the microwave. The object began giving off a foul odor and, as the clerk opened it, she saw something that looked like a penis. The couple grabbed the object and hurried away as she called police. Police now say that the object was a fake used to cheat in urine tests. The man allegedly went into the men's room to fill it with his own urine and then asked to have it heated so it would be body temperature when the urine was given up for analysis. Can you imagine what that clerk thought when she opened that microwave and saw what she thought was a penis on a napkin in there? I would've quit, on the spot. No 2 weeks notice, no clocking out, no training a replacement. Gone. Ghost. Swayze. Audi 5000. Why couldn't they do this at home? I just took a drug test a few weeks ago, and without incriminating myself in any way at all, I have to say that there are numerous less drastic ways to pass a test than this genius idea. The best way, of course, is to NOT GET HIGH BEFORE TAKING A DRUG TEST! But that's too easy, I suppose. I hope he passed, 'cause I want my fries to be fresh when I hit the Mickey D's drive-through. --------- LITTLE ROCK, Ark. - Of all the things a homeless person might try to steal, I wouldn't think sheep would be one of them. However, homeless man Grady Allen Carnahan was caught trying to steal a sheep from the Little Rock Zoo on Tuesday night. A security guard called police after noticing a man lugging a trash can with a sheep inside. Carnahan tried to tell police he was a doctor and the sheep was sick. He fought with officers when they tried to take him into custody. He was later arrested on numerous charges and the sheep was returned to its home at the zoo. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Why are they bothering this poor man, who obviously found his true love in the petting zoo? It's Little Rock! You know good and damn well he's not the only man in Little Rock who wants a little mutton action on the side. The security guard was probably just mad 'cause it was his turn that night. The sheep's name is Donna, and she's a dirty, dirty girl. Here's the funny thing, though - imagine a homeless man trying to convince a security guard that's he's a doctor (I guess he meant 'veterinarian') who makes late-night house calls to zoos, and takes them to his treatment facility - in a trash can. Then had the temerity to fight with the officers. But you know what? He got the last laugh. He has a roof over his head now, and 3 square meals a day. ni-GAH! Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I don't make this shit up.


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