Just so you all know, I'm now throwing up The Shocker all the time. All...the...time. It's better than the peace sign, 'cause most people have no idea what I'm doing, and often they'll return the gesture out of polite courtesy. And I laugh the laughter of the possessed. I'm evil that way. It's even funnier when the intended target has no idea about it, but bystanders do. Ever see someone shoot hot coffee outta their nose? Me neither. But I'm tryin', Ringo. I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd. Whoops, I just channeled Samuel L. Jackson from Pulp Fiction there for a minute. Snakes on a plane. By the way, I added a link on my sidebar, just below the Nonetheless logo. It's a link for you people to go out and purchase some jen you wine Nonetheless gear, baby. Shirts, hats, baby tees, mugs - go for it. On with the diatribe. --------------------- (from Bizarre News) MONROE, N.Y. - Officials at an upstate New York elementary school say a hand-out of male and female stick figures in sexual positions spelling the alphabet was a mistake. During an open house for parents of third-grade students last week at Pine Tree Elementary School in Monroe, north of New York City, a spelling curriculum was handed out with the acrobatic and suggestive figures. The school received several calls of concern from parents who read it when they got home, the Middletown (N.Y.) Times Herald-Record reported Tuesday. Parents were assured the students had not seen the curriculum, and letters were sent out explaining the teacher who used the font "did not do so intentionally or maliciously," the report said. Why, Mother? Why didn't you let me transfer to THIS school when I was 8? I asked. Oh, I asked over and over again. "Mom, please let me move from Conway, SC to Monroe, NY so that I can go to that school that has the alphabet pictures where the letters are shaped like people doin' it. I'll clean my room." She always said no. Hater. Now, I'm no prude. But even I would catch this pretty damn obvious error in judgement somewhere between the photocopier and the teacher's lounge. Check it out: Mistakes happen, naturally, and I'm not trying to pour a hot steaming cup of pure reality on anyone's head - but who would even BRING these to an elementary school, or have them installed as a font on their PC that they USE for schoolwork? Well, Debra LaFave would. (Damn, she's hot.) Oh yeah, so would Rachel Holt. (Damn, she's troll-tastic.) And maybe Nicole Long would get down like that. Perhaps James Christopher Howard would, too. Pop quiz, folks: How many of you saw the man's name there, clicked the link, read the story, and immediately judged him more harshly than you judged the female perpetrators? Just sayin'. ------------------------ (from Bizarre News) MESA, Az. - When Heather Michelle Kane saw a photo of another woman on her boyfriend's MySpace.com web page, she was ready to kill. And I'm not kidding. Kane, 22, almost hired someone to kill the woman, but was arrested when the man she tried to hire was actually an undercover police detective. Kane met the undercover cop at a grocery store, where she gave him $400 and offered to fork over an extra $100 once the woman was killed. She gave the officer photographs of the woman from her boyfriend's MySpace page, and also asked for a picture of the woman's dead body. She was arrested and booked for investigation of conspiracy to commit murder. Re-read that story. Notice how it never says he hooked up with the girl, or that the girl sent him inappropriate comments (or vice versa), or that anything at all happened, except that she was on his friend list. And for THAT, she wanted her whacked? Damn, it's a good thing he didn't bump into her on the street, and stopped to help her pick up her belongings. Girlfriend would've burned the chick's whole neighborhood down. I'm on Myspace. I have about 400 people on my friend list, 95% of whom I've never met or spoken with. If you request me, I'll add you, usually. I have no control over what picture people choose to display, so if there's a chick on there with a big ol' booty and a thong, I didn't do it. Most likely this poor schmoe just had her on his list, chillin', bothering no one, and his woman decided to take out a hit on the poor girl. And by the way, for $500, a "hit" is all she'd get - dude would've simply smacked the girl on the back of the head. You can't kill anybody for just $500, man! That shit's expensive! The fact that he accepted the deal for only $500 should've been a bright blinking neon sign that maybe, just maybe, this guy's a cop. Oooo, $500. He can get that XBox 360 now, and maybe even 2 games! Idiot. You damn-near have to take out a small business loan to bump somebody off, and usually the loan officer gets clued in when you list your loan justification as "This bitch is on my man's Myspace page, and she has got to GO!" ------------------- (from Bizarre News) VIRGINIA BEACH, Va. - A gas station ATM was reprogrammed to give out four times as much money as it should. Police are now on the lookout for the man behind the operation. The man was caught on tape swiping an ATM card and punching in a series of numbers that broke the machine's security code. The ATM was reprogrammed to show only a $5 debit to his account, even though it disbursed $20 bills. Police are not sure of the identity of the man behind the theft since the card he used was prepaid and can be purchased at several locations. No one noticed (or said anything) until nine days later, when a customer told the clerk that the machine was giving out more money than it should. I. Can't. Stand. Goody. Two-shoes. Tattletelling. Muhfuckas. Like. This. "Oh my! It gave me too much money! Maybe the bank will get too light without it, and float into the sky like a hot air balloon! I'd better let somebody know!" ARRRGH! I tell you one thing - that would've been the brokest bank in town if I knew about it. Hey, I'm not stealing - the machine is giving. That's comPLETELY different. It's a gift. It knew that I have a birthday/Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Flag Day coming, and it wanted to surprise me. Who am I, people, who am I to deny this machine its desire for happiness? Yes, sweet ATM - I'll take the burden of your 2o dollar bills off your electronic hands. I'll carry them in my wallet for you, my precious. And whenever you need them, just call me. Oh yeah, my phone's doesn't work so good sometimes, so if you don't get through, just...wait for me to call you, a'ight? It's the network. All joking aside, it's a pretty clever scheme if it took the bank 9 days to realize it, and even then they had to be told about it by a customer. I'm thinking there's a branch manager out there without a branch to manage now. ----BONUS DIATRIBE---- I couldn't decide between this one and the one just before this, so I said to hell with it - post 'em both. ----------- (from Bizarre News) CANTON, Ohio - Ester Strogen's family is amazed that she has spent as much as $14,666.40 to lease two rotary-dial phones from AT&T since 1964. Strogen and her late husband paid $29.10 a month for more than 40 years to lease the phones. In the 1960s, when rotary dial phones were new and expensive, it was not uncommon for customers to choose leasing options instead of purchasing. Strogen's granddaughter, Barb Gordon, fears there are others like her grandmother who do not realize they are paying thousands of dollars for an inexpensive technology. "I'm outraged," Gordon said. "It made me so mad. It's ridiculous. If my own grandmother was doing it, how many other people are?" Strogen's family insisted she discontinue payments to AT&T, and the company demanded she return the phones. This story bakes my balls. AT&T should be ASHAMED of themselves for this shit! Someone with 3 ounces of ethics should've told this woman that she was being reamed, but oh fucking no. They liked that $29.10 a month they were bilking from her, and they had no intention of ever suggesting that she maybe upgrade to a phone made after the year 1973. Jerks. Think of the money she could've had in savings or retirement. I bet even Snidely Whiplash would say: "That's fucked up, yo." For some reason, what's worse to me is their attitude once they got called on it. They demanded the return of the phones, as though they're hot items and everyone from J.Lo to "hey, ho" would want one. You wanna know what they did with the phones, once they got 'em back? Circular file, baby. Trashed 'em. They did that purely out of spite. Or worse, they'll put them in the Telephonic Museum or whatever, and make even MORE money off of them. On second thought, maybe I should feel bad for the phones themselves, slaving away for 40-odd years, listeing to fruit cake recipes and tales of eczema, only to be put on display in their twilight time. Poor phones. EDIT: Did anyone else notice her name? Esther Strogen? E. Strogen? Estrogen? Is that a cruel joke? Or am I just being stupid again? I'll bank on the latter. Peace.

From Wikipedia (or as I like to call it, "webcrack"):

The shocker is a hand gesture with a sexual connotation. The ring finger and thumb are curled or bent down while the other fingers are extended. The index and middle fingers are kept together (touching) and the back of the hand faces outwards (away from the gesturer). The gesture refers to the act of inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina and the pinky finger into the nearby anus (the "shocker"). Because of its explicit sexual connotation, the shocker is sometimes considered vulgar.

There are a number of terms for this hand gesture; the most common and widely used variations are "Two in the pink, one in the stink," "Two in the goo, one in the poo," and "Going to town with one in the brown." The shocker is generally referred to as being "given" or "delivered" rather than shown, much like the way the finger is verbally referenced.

Basically, it looks like this:

There. Now you have your background. And no, that's not my hand.

My nails would look MUCH nicer, quite frankly.

Anyway.

Saturday morning, I was chillin', sitting around in my shorts, oblivious to the outside world. College football was on, meaning my ADD mysteriously vanishes for about 6 or 9 hours while I'm mesmerized by the I formation and Cover 2 defenses and onside kicks. Nothing can touch me when ESPN GameDay is on. I am impervious to all wounds, injuries, or chores. As I sat in my bunker (which DWW calls "the couch" or whatever), I was shaken out of my statistics fugue state (How many passing yards per game does Iowa get? What's the average weight of the Rutgers offensive line?) by this little nugget on the GameDay telecast:

God, I love HDTV. I swear I do. When you're watching a sporting event in HDTV, you damn near wanna suit up. Also, I dislike Florida and Tennessee. But that's not the point of this. Do you see what I see in the background? Here, let's zoom in a bit, shall we?

Hmm. What in the WORLD could that be back there? No...it can't be. Not on live TV. Still, let's take an even closer look:

Oh HELL yeah! The Shocker got on TV on a live show! This is what I love about live broadcasts from sporting events - you just never know what you'll see. I spit Tang when I saw this, and they must've shown it about 6 or 7 times. That shit made my day. Oh yeah, unranked Clemson beat #9 Florida State in Tallahasee. Holla! I love college football. Peace.

As I walked into the break room yesterday to partake in a free lunch (I'm not even on the team that hosted the lunch, but I ate anyway, 'cause that's how I roll), I walked in on this little conversational nugget between a coworker originally from India and a coworker originally from Alabama: Bama: "...so, what if a lion eats a lamb? I mean, obviously a lion can't be vegetarian. Would that be considered a sin in your religion?" India: "Uh, well, I've never really thought about it, but I suppose it would be considered a sin." Bama: "That ain't right. The lion can't help what he eats. And now he's sinnin' every time he chows down." India (a little flustered): "Um, most likely, he wouldn't even be allowed in my religion in the first place, being a meat eater. I guess." Bama: "Poor lion. First he's going to hell, and second he won't even get the chance to redeem himself." India (a little more flustered): "You know, I'm not sure..." Me (chiming in): "Maybe the lion is Catholic. He didn't eat the lamb on a Friday, did he?" Bama: "Nah, I think it was a Tuesday." Me: "No problem, then. If he's Catholic, he can eat lamb all the live long day and listen to 80s hair bands. Is it a white lion?" India (completely confused): "Huh?" Bama: "Damian, quit messing with India." Me: "You first!" India: "You both can kiss my ass." It's always entertaining here. Peace.

Wooooooweeee! I played hookie last week due to a certain someone overrunning my blog, and throwing my whole flow out of whack. I swear. You let the underprivileged get on the internet, and they treat it like a baby treats a Huggies. Well, things are finally back on track, so I'll now go forth and bring you the creamy goodness you've been thirsting for. It's action-packed and double-sized, and ribbed for her pleasure. Let's do this! On with the 'tribe. ---------------- (From The Smoking Gun) SEPTEMBER 6--When Nicholas Grunke last week spotted a newspaper photo of Laura Tennessen, the Wisconsin man apparently became so smitten that he plotted a rendezvous with the 20-year-old woman. But the photo Grunke saw accompanied an August 29 obituary of Tennessen, who died in a motorcycle accident. Undeterred, Grunke allegedly plotted with his twin brother Alex and a friend, 20-year-old Dustin Radke, to rob Tennessen's grave so that he could have sex with her corpse. Details of the trio's degenerate scheme are contained in a criminal complaint filed yesterday in Grant County Circuit Court. A copy of the document can be found here. In a police interview, Radke said that he and the Grunke brothers stopped at a Wal-Mart to buy condoms on their way to the cemetery. The necrophilia plot was disrupted Saturday night when police received a report of a suspicious vehicle near St. Charles Cemetery in Cassville, where Tennessen is buried. When confronted by a cop, an "very nervous" Alex Grunke admitted to the grave robbing scheme, noting that his cohorts were then digging up Tennessen's coffin. When police arrived at the gravesite, Nicholas Grunke and Radke were gone, though cops noticed that a hole had been dug down to the concrete vault encasing the woman's coffin, according to the complaint. Nicholas Grunke and Radke were later arrested while walking about eight miles from the cemetery. The men are each facing sexual assault and theft charges that could land them in prison for more than five years. I understand that years of playing Dungeons and Dragons, StarCraft, Magic: The Gathering, and any other no-human-contact games in your bedroom late at night with your loser friends while eating days-old pizza and talking about all the chicks you almost scored with 2 years ago at the Comic Convention has made you somewhat...shall we say, antisocial? Yes. We shall. But to dig up a dead body for the purpose of fornication is just way too fucking much. Seriously. And not to speak ill of the dead, but she was killed in a motorcycle accident, meaning that she most likely wasn't in pristine physical condition. I'm JUST SAYIN'! You wanna pine over a deceased woman because her photo was hot? Fine. Weird, but fine. How do you get your friends to go along with this? What's the sales pitch? Sloppy seconds? If my best friend in the world told me he wanted to dig up a corpse for the purpose of simulated Nicole Ritchie sex (c'mon, you know she doesn't move. She'd mess up her hair. Or break a rib), my second question would be "What's in it for me?". The first would be "Are you fucking insane?". And why buy condoms? She ain't gettin' pregnant, and the only thing he might catch is raging case of carpet burn. In a way, I think less of the buddies than I do for this lovelorn fool. We've all been there. We've all had that deep, bottomless craving for something completely unattainable...so much, that it physically hurts you to not have it. We've all laid awake at night, contemplating the ceiling, trying to figure out how, how, how you can be together with the one you love. We've all been there. Thick-sliced deli-cut maple-brushed peppered bacon, you will be mine someday. --------------- (From FOXNews.com) COUSHATTA, La. — A Louisiana school district is investigating complaints that a white school bus driver ordered nine black children to sit at the back of the bus. Red River Parish Schools Superintendent Kay Easley acknowledged she investigated the claim, and she confirmed to The (Shreveport) Times said the driver wasn't on the same route Wednesday. Easley did not return calls Thursday seeking further comment. The newspaper said she had declined to comment further on Wednesday. Iva Richmond, whose 14- and 15-year-old children were on the bus, told The Associated Press on Thursday that they previously had a black bus driver, but their bus assignment changed this year. When school started this month, the white driver told them she had assigned them seats, with the black children at the back of the bus. Richmond said she complained to a local principal, who told the driver that if any children were assigned to seats, all would have to be. Early last week, the driver assigned black students to two seats in the back of the bus, an arrangement that had some of the smaller children sitting in the laps of older children. "All nine children were assigned to two seats in the back of the bus and the older ones had to hold the smaller ones in their laps," she said. Richmond said her complaints to parish school officials were not immediately acted on. But she said Easley told her Wednesday that the situation would be addressed. "She said she was going to take care of it but she could not go into details about how she's going to take care of it," Richmond said.

---------------- (From www.wftv.com) SNYDER, Okla. -- The police chief, the mayor and a councilman from a small, southwestern Oklahoma town resigned Friday, saying they were fed up with the public attention and criticism they received after the chief's wife appeared in various nude poses on a Web site and the photos began circulating around town. "This has turned into a media circus," Chief Tod Ozmun said Friday. "I don't feel like me staying in office is going to benefit my department or my staff. This has turned into a mess. This is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous." Dozens of local residents had called for Ozmun's resignation, but the City Council decided last week that Doris Ozmun's adult pictures were protected by the First Amendment. A prosecutor had called for an investigation. The chief read a statement from Clifford Barnard, the councilman who resigned: "The citizens' concerns that we were not enforcing religious and moral beliefs was very heartfelt and I don't want to be associated with their moral or religious beliefs because I've never read anywhere in the Good Book that the Lord wanted us to persecute those that did not hold the same morals or values." Mayor Dale Moore also resigned. "I think this is wrong and I won't put up with it," he said. "I don't want to work in a community like this." Shirely Anderson, who served as Snyder's mayor for five years until 1995 and whose husband, Billy Ray Anderson, was mayor for eight years before that, has been critical of the chief and his wife. "They have no morals as far as I'm concerned," said Shirley Anderson. "That's the whole thing I think - morals. You should have respectable people in office. They need to go somewhere else where this is accepted." Earlier Friday, the chief said the whole issue involving his 43-year-old wife had been blown out of proportion. "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis," he said. "It's absolutely ludicrous. Makes no sense at all." He said he has had lengthy discussions with his wife about the photos but does not tell her what to do. "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds," he said. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to." Doris Ozmun is known worldwide for her work as a plus-sized model on a pornographic Web site. "This came to light because some of the people in town went onto the Internet to download pictures of her and started passing them out around the citizens here in town," the town's former mayor said. Moore said he based his decision not to fire the police chief on what's best for Snyder -- either to keep a chief who many believe doesn't share their morals or to fire a man who's keeping residents safe. That decision was to keep Ozmun as police chief. "We will take no action on Chief Ozmun," Moore said earlier this week. "He was not involved in these, and he has broken no laws." "He's done more drug arrests, solved more crimes than anybody else in town has ever done," he added. Resident Bryan Norton said he wants the chief fired. "When our kids come home from school telling us that the chief's wife is a porno queen, how do you answer that?" said Norton. Last week, the Ozmuns agreed to sit down with Eyewitness News 5 for an exclusive interview, but their attorney advised against it on Tuesday. Doris Ozmun was paroled in March 2005 after spending two years in the state prison system on drug-related charges. She released a statement in her defense: "Hi, my name is Doris Ozmun. I am a 43-year-old adult model. I am in no way affiliated with the Snyder Police Department other than the fact I am married to the chief of police, Tod Ozmun. The Web site I am featured on is in no way affiliated with the Snyder Police Department nor the city of Snyder. "I have done nothing illegal, and it is my First Amendment right of the Constitution. You do not have to like or agree with what I do for me to be protected by the First Amendment right." Let me make sure I got this straight - the sheriff, who was not a participant in his wife's LEGAL pornographic internet business, was asked to resign because someone was scouring the 'net, and came across his 300lb wife's website, in which she makes no connection with the town, the sheriff, or the police department. Well, how fucked up is that? THIS is what's wrong with this country. This shit here. This man did nothing wrong. His wife did nothing wrong. He wasn't derelict in his duties. She made no attempt to profit or in any other way benefit from her connection with the sheriff. Yet, he should've been removed on morals? Do morals arrest criminals? Do morals respond to your 911 calls at 2am because you thought you heard a prowler? Do morals take your best interest in mind when you've become the victim of a crime? Do morals know that Mrs. Littman has a touch of dementia, and will sometimes wander off into the corn field if she hasn't had her medication? Criminals, rejoice. The town of Snyder, Oklahoma has opened its doors to you because their hard-working and effective sheriff has a wife who is doing something they don't agree with, and he stepped down over the insidiously stupid controversy and drama. I'm glad the mayor stepped down, too. This shit is utterly ricockulous (all hail Monalicious). Then again, this is ridiculous, too: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the sheriff's wife. Rawr. Make that money, homegirl. If there are men out there coughing up dough to see YOU, you deserve to take their money. ----------- (From BizarreNews.com) LAKE LURE, N.C. - It may have seemed like a dream come true, but winning a 5,700-square-foot home has turned into a nightmare for Donald P. Cook. Cook was the winner of HGTV's Dream Home in April, but says that he must sell the house because he can't afford it. The annual $19,396 tax bill plus maintenance costs are just too extravagant for Cook, who works as a state auditor. Cook said he'll occupy the home near Asheville, N.C. for a few weeks before selling it. He plans to retire in October, and will use the money from the home's sale to buy another house. The house has been assessed at a little more than $3 million. Funny thing is, DWW and I entered this contest every single day while it was going on, hoping to win the house. But we knew straight off that we couldn't afford to keep the damn thing. I had hoped to win it, pose in front of it for HGTV, and right there on camera say "HOLLA! We won! Oh and...this bitch is for sale. Right now. Cash only - no loans! Come take this albatross off my hands for a cool $3 million, and I'll kick in a free car wash." If WE knew we couldn't afford the taxes and upkeep, why didn't this state auditor know? Doesn't he work with numbers or something? I wouldn't've even set foot in the place. I would've brought a Century21 sign WITH ME to the unveiling or whatever. You ain't putting Da Kid in arrears for some damn TV show. Heh. I said "arrears". Peace.

(Rest in) Peace.

I generally like my movies in three distinct flavors:

• Super-funny lowbrow comedies, such as "Old School", "Friday", "Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle", and any other movie where the mere sight of the main character makes you bust a gut.
• Smart, well-written puzzlers that make you say "What the HELL just HAPPENED?" at the end of them, such as "The Usual Suspects" or "Memento", or any movie involving some sort of elaborate heist of diamonds or bearer bonds or treasury notes or some other obscure, can't-spend-it-at-Wal-Mart-type currency.
• Dumb, shoot-'em-up movies that offer nothing in the way of intelligence or cinematic quality, but show you ample boobs and explosions by the metric ton.

A hit man (Statham) learns that a poison injected into his body will kill him if his heart rate drops slows a certain point. Now he must exact his revenge on the people who injected him before he takes his last breath.

• A girl giving a guy a blowjob while he's eluding killers in a high-speed chase. Oh yeah, and they're shooting at each other.
• A man walking up to a motorcycle cop, taking his gun from him, throwing it, and then stealing his motorcycle - while in a hospital gown.
• A man walking into a black gang bar, pulling a gun on the dude running things, then saying out loud "I feel like kicking some black ass!"
• Two men fighting each other while falling from a helicopter toward the ground. Neither man wore a parachute, and there was no water or awning or trampoline or anything beneath them to break their fall.
• Someone getting his hand chopped off, then getting shot by the gun that his hand was holding - WHILE THE GUN WAS STILL IN THE SEVERED HAND.
• A man requesting to be shocked with a pair of those start-your-heart-again paddles they use in hospitals. They did. He flew.
• A car chase through a mall, reminiscent of "The Blues Brothers", while the lead car driver spoke calmly on a cell phone.
• A man intentionally frying his hand on a waffle iron.
• A doctor who says (and I'm paraphrasing here) "Cocaine? Yeah, that'll work. But you really need some epinephrine." and then "I mixed it with some meth so you'll feel good."
• Two people having VERY public sex on a newspaper machine in the middle of Chinatown in broad daylight while hundreds of people huddled around, watching and cheering.

I hang my head in shame. Sorta. I cannot BELIEVE I left myself open to a raid. Not after what I had done to her back in June. I got complacent. After all, she didn't immediately retaliate, something I would've expected from her, since she's got the attention span of a squirrel with ADD on speed watching MTV. Oh, but no. She was conniving. She was shrewd. She was convoluted. She's gonna need Merriam-Webster to figure out what I'm saying about her. Bless her heart. You got me, pirate. You boarded my ship, bitch-slapped the captain, ate all the Fritos, drank all the beer, and scraped the hull on some coral. You jacked my shit up. Kudos to you. Enjoy your victory. For now, folks, you'll still see the cutesy banner and all her other "enhancements", because these were part of the terms of the deal. I thought I could simply out-wait her - she gets bored easily, and I gave it 2 days, max, before she'd just give up on it, but she fooled me again. Who knew that she would ENJOY running things over here? Besides, all the cussing and burping on my li'l slice of heaven here was getting on my damn nerves. I had to end it. Had I kept challenging her, she would've gladly held my blog hostage for God knows how long. Hey, know what tastes good with that foot in my mouth? My pride. Delicioso. "Why not just start another blog," you asked. OK, Mike asked. Well, people (Mike), I've had this blog since '04. It's my baby. It feels good on me, like rayon shirts did back in the 90s. (God, black men wore the HELL outta some rayon shirts back then. Go to the club or a frat party, and every guy there had on some butt-ugly designed rayon shirt, all sweaty and smelling like a goat football team's locker room after the SuperGoat Bowl. Just roll with me, ok?) I CAN'T start another blog, especially if it's just because some chickenheaded blonde decided to play hopscotch with it. I needed it back. I have so many things to tell you, and the amount of effort it would take to move ALL of you to a new spot is more than my procrastinating and admittedly lazy ass is willing to expend. So I bit the bullet. I apologized, even though it tasted like metallic ass in my mouth to do it. It was worth it, just to get my baby back. (I want my baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back, baby back. King of ADD in da HOUSE!) I should thank Laurie for not messing with my band stuff. I think she knew better, but still - thanks. 'Ppreciate that. To any and all of you who I may have offended while in my fugue state, worryin' about my blog, I apologize. Unless what I said was funny. So. Anyway. We're gonna put this whole mess behind us, right? I have to tell you about seeing the movie "Crank" on Saturday. Holy shit. This movie was cinematic crack cocaine. But I'll talk about that more tomorrow. The stinging sensation I'm feeling from having to bow down (as opposed to bowing up) to the pirate is getting worse. I better lie down. It's good to be back. Now - who's gonna help me clean up the Keystone Light cans? Anyone? Anyone? Yeah. Thought not. Peace.

Well, my holiday weekend slash blog takeover is coming to an end. The only reason I chose my WAR at this time was because I had four days off to keep this My Blog/My New Blog shit going. I'm sure he'll be happy when he finds his NEW password in his email and he can get back to boring us all with tales of...well, whatever it is he writes about that doesn't interest me. One more day, my silly little man. One more day and I will set this bitch free. But for NOW, I asked readers to send in questions for you. And I'm taking the liberty of answering them. Let's do this. HotDrWife was wondering: Dearest Dark One, Why is it when I buy a package of hot dogs - to which there are 10 ... I have to buy a package of hot dog BUNS, and there are eight of those fuckers?? Kind of stupid. Explain that one. Oh....and if a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he naked or homeless?? Thank you, Oh Wise Dark Angry Damian, HDW DD, I got this. HDW, Being an eater of weiners, I have often pondered this myself, as I'm sure Dark Damian has too, since he loves weiners. Absolutely LOVES them. Gobbles them up any chance he gets. I bet this holiday weekend, he's probably eaten 6 weiners or more!!! Mmmmm mmmmm. Chow down, DD. Anyway, the makers of weiners and the makers of buns have obviously never crossed paths because they are total idiots and can not fucking COUNT!! I hate shit like this and I'll probably get some bullshit angry weiner makers starting a thread on their fucking weiner forum talking about how I TALKED SHIT ABOUT THEIR ABILITIES when in reality, the problem LIES WITH THE WEINER AND BUN MAKERS!!!!! NOT ME, MISTER!!! Dammit. Tangent. So, what you should probably do is just eat the remaining two weiners plain. Or wrap them in a croissant. That's yummy! Or...chop them up and give them to your chihuahua as you train him to roll over and this will take ALL day so two chopped up weiners should be about right. On second thought, I think DD does tricks for bits of weiner. Throw them at him. By the way, if a turtle doesn't have a shell, he's soup, in my book. Jot that down. Our next question is from FreshAirLover...she asks: DD--Um, is this you? Bitch, please. Seriously. You are KIDDING, right? When has his blog EVER "look-did" THIS good???? And if I have to explain "look-did" to you people, I will die. This is yours truly, the one and only White Trash Queen in DA HOUSE!!! Takin' names and kickin' Double D ass on LABOR DAY WEEKEND!!! He should be THANKING me, seeing that this is giving him much needed rest and time with the wife and baseball with the kids and walks with the dogs. While I SLAVE away on this computer, giving the masses shits and giggles. WHERE'S MY BBQ, DARK ONE??? HUH??? Riddle me THAT, bitch. So, NO....this is NOT DD. This is a bitch with a pile of DIRT in her backyard and a package of weiners, ready to kill. Enjoy. Linda sent in our next question: Dear Dark Damian, would you be offended if someone called you Mocha Damian, or Cafe Latte Damian? My daughter doesn't like to use the terms dark or black (she's afraid of the color black) and calls people of color brown or creamy coffee - can we call you that? Linda Linda, honey....I think Cafe Latte Damian is a FINE nickname for a strapping young buck like the Double D. He would LOVE it!!! I, personally like to call myself Sexy Vanilla OR Tempting White Chocolate OR FINE ASS BITCH....whichever. But Dark Damian DOES sound a tad....scary. And he is NOT scary at all. Have you heard his poetry reading? Whiter than my grandma's panties...I tell ya! He is a big faker. He's not DARK at all. He's the Carlton of our time. From Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Remember? All sweater vests and white boy dance all rolled up into this black package that we know as Dark Damian. CLD it is. Ooooh....that looks like a NAUGHTY word, doesn't it????? Nice suggestion, Linda! Thanks! Oh...and tell your daughter not to be afraid of the color black. It's pretty and stuff. And finally, we have this gem from pete: dear damien...my new boyfriend just sent me a pic. Would you send me one too? I love barely black girly men and have dreams of the three of us playing paper dolls, doing each others hair and talking about boys...hugs, pete Dear pete, Whoa, little fella. Wrong blog. I said he likes WEINERS....not scary little men who live in their mom's basement and shit. A big fat NO on the "doing each others hair". He's bald. I'm saying "maybe" on the paper doll play though. I can totally see him with a Polly Pocket Playland too. But I'm SURE the only "boys" he will be talking about would be his sons. He's married, you freak. Didn't you ever READ his old BLOG? No? Meh...me either. I just wreaked havoc in the comment section. OH EM GEE!!! I can't WAIT for the GRAND FINALE tomorrow. I have so much FUN planned. There's gonna be PONY rides and a cotton candy machine and EVERYTHING!!! God.....the colors. All the pretty colors. I love my new blog. Piece of pie.

I don't know ya'll. I think he's a little upset with me. He started out VERY "ALL CAPS" on my ass but now, he's saying he's NOT mad and that he just wants his "password" or whatever. Hmmmm...I think he's lying. Anyhow, enough about HIM...this is MY bitch for the time being and I'm not gonna waste these precious moments I have with his readers trying to figure out his mood. It's all good. Mama knows how to fight. Bring it. One last thing...Double Dee? You reading this? Good...listen up. I did this as a FAVOR to you. I didn't want you to have to spend your holiday weekend furiously writing BORING shit. I wanted you to enjoy your family. Go to a waterpark. Play Scrabble. Make popcorn. Watch a movie. Play a mean game of Twister. Play dress up with your dogs. Eat a bug. Anything....except blog. With that being said, it's my pleasure to bring you: LAURIE'S LUSCIOUS LINKS!! Don't get the wrong idea ya'll. It's not sex links. I just needed an "L" word, keeping up with the whole DDD thing. I thought about "Loud" or "Lavicious" or "Leprechaun"...but Luscious, well...it just fit. Without any further delay, ON WITH THE.....uh...er....Links!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ This struck me as kind of WEIRD. When I heard people talk about this, I kind of didn't believe them. I truly thought it was a joke. Well, I googled that bitch. LORD AND BEHOLD, it's FOR REAL, PEOPLE!!!!!! I read the entire article but I was most impressed with the RULES at the bottom. I'll paste them here, just for you. Plus, it might get DD some AWESOME keyword search hits from statcounter! Yay! Rules for Dwarf Throwing If a dwarf is thrown through a glass window or glass door, he must wear gloves and a suitable mask. If a dwarf is thrown through a burning hoop, extinguishers must be provided. If a dwarf is thrown down a well, the organizers must ensure that the bottom of the well is dry, and is covered by leaves to a depth of three inches.. If a dwarf is to be thrown across the path of an oncoming train, the thrower must previously satisfy the organizers that he bears no personal malice against the throwee. If a dwarf is thrown into a pond or river, he must wear a wetsuit and need not be tightly bound. If dwarfs are thrown at night, they may be painted with phosphorescent paint, so that the point of impact may be clearly seen. If a dwarf refuses to be bound in the usual way before throwing, he may be put in a straitjacket of the requisite size. If a dwarf utters any sound whatsoever, either in flight or at the moment of impact, the throw will be disqualified. If a jockey impersonates a dwarf and wins a competition because his light weight allows him to be thrown farthest, he will be liable to a fine of £1000 or three years imprisonment. It is strictly forbidden in dwarf-throwing literature and publicity, to refer to dwarfs as 'persons of restricted growth' or 'small people'. I mean.....whoa. They are SERIOUS when it comes to the "rules". I personally disagree with dwarf tossing. I mean, if you are a dwarf and it's your way to make a living, then I guess it's ok. But I don't know that I myself would EVER toss a dwarf. This is not to say that I wouldn't LAUGH if I were to ever ATTEND a dwarf tossing event. I don't know how I could stand idly by and watch a 200 lb man pick up a dwarf by a hoop on his BACK like a piece of LUGGAGE and give him the old "1-2-3" and throw him and NOT laugh. But I would try my best. I wonder if they would let ME be the "tossee"??? I mean, I don't weigh THAT much and I could always bring my knees up to my chin for better leverage. Hmmmm.....it just might work, people. Well, shit. I might FAIL on one of the rules though. I most certainly would be "uttering a sound" or two. More like screaming my ASS off as I was getting thrown. But in a good way. Meh...oh well. I guess I'm not cut out for being dwarf tossed. Truth be told, I wouldn't be too excited about being tossed in front of the "PATH" of a moving train. Or being tossed in a river. Or a burning ring of fire. Fuck. I'm so pissed! Oh well....I don't need a hobby like that anyway. I mean, I'm perfectly fine just fucking up Damian's blog. Good times!! This next link is RIGHT up my alley!!! Whooot Whooot!!! WHOA MAMA! Easy on the color! I'm OUTTA CONTROL!! I just beat the shit outta Paris and Celine! This could EASILY be....my new favorite website!! I think it would be cool if we could upload our own pictures and punch THEM! I SO know who'd I'd punch! Bada ding, babies!!!! I know who DD would punch too. No...not me, sillies!! The person who talked him into EVER writing a BLOG!! Ell Oh Ell, people. Ell. Oh. Ell. I decided to use BROWN for this next link. Check THIS shit out. No pun intended. Don't worry, Double D...I signed you up for the newsletter. All you ever wanted to know...about poop. I mean, there are t-shirts and thongs and mugs PLUS trivia questions and LITTLE KNOWN FACTS!!! It's such an amazing site...full of shit.....kinda fitting, don't ya think? Hey laaaaaaaaaaaaaadies! Have I got the SITE for YOU!!! Heartless BITCHES ROCK!!!!!! I already ordered the "I'm not bitter." t-shirt!! Fuck yes!!!!!! DD...you want a shirt? I'll hook you up. I got yo back, fool. Alright...I'm spent. Peas.