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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 9/28/2006

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Oh, sweet heavenly Jesus. 7YO had a soccer game yesterday. Big deal, right? He plays soccer; ergo, he has soccer games. However, for THIS game, the home team had to supply the referee. Guess who was the home team. Yeah. Guess who was the referee. Yeah. Guess who knows NOTHING about the rules of soccer. Yeah. (You guys are GOOD!) Yes, my fat ass got somehow (**coughDWWcough**) roped into being the referee of the game last night, despite my total lack of soccer knowledge beyond "Hey, play a real sport, like football." I agreed to do the deed, went and bought a brand-new whistle, printed out the Under 8 rules, and proceeded to get sick to my stomach thinking about it all day. All in all, I think I acquitted myself pretty well out there. I was authoritative, I was confident, and I was relying heavily on 7- and 8-year olds to tell me when I fucked up. Once, I even looked at one of the kids and said "Uh, did you see who kicked that out of bounds?" Not missing a beat, the kid said "...the OTHER team, ref. Yeah." Good, smart kid. In fact, the whole game went smoothly, and I only had to call one penalty, on a kid who slapped the ball with his hand. Guess who that kid was. Yeah. 7YO in da house! And I blew the whistle on him like I didn't even know him. That's just in case people thought I might be biased toward his team. I HAD to make an example. And when he started to protest, I straight-up started mad-dogging him. I ice grilled him, folks, and I said "Boy, I remember when you were just a good idea on a cold winter's night. You betta step off. With the quickness." ... Alright, it was more like "#4, don't use your hands, OK?" But I thought it. 7YO's team won 11-0, by the way. It was U-G-L-Y. And as I type this, no less than 3 of my body parts are arguing over who's gonna give me the worst cramp, and my right calf is winning by a wide margin. Speaking of wide margins, SistaGirl was there, and she was decidedly less glamorous than she was on Sunday. Gone was the makeup. Gone were the miniskirt and the low-cut blouse. In their place was an all-gray sweatsuit, making her large frame look very much like a dwarf elephant from behind. Don't hate me; I just call it like I see it. And what I saw was a booty big enough to require turn signals on it. Mani/Pedi? Tight. Some things don't change, I guess. On with the 'tribe. ------------ (From Bizarre News) BEIJING - When sampling donkey penis at a Beijing restaurant, it may help not to think about what is being eaten and just focus on its benefits. It's good for the skin, in case you're wondering. The Guolizhuang restaurant claims to be China's only restaurant specializing in penises, the BBC said Sunday. That's right, penises. Dog, reindeer (a delicacy), snake (they have two) and ox. It serves its unusual bill of fare in a variety of ways, from chilled to fried. The restaurant's owner came up with the menu after he began looking into traditional Chinese medicine, the BBC said. Apparently appendages such as these are low in cholesterol and can be used to treat a variety of conditions, such as sexual dysfunction, the BBC said. Niiiiiiiiiiiiiice. And I was wondering where someone could get fresh donkey penis when that craving kicks in. Silly me - I would've just looked for some in the more discriminating pornographic boutiques. There's a restaurant chain called Dick's Last Resort. Believe me, dick would certainly be a last resort for me. I would rather eat Saddam Hussein's insoles after he walked all day outside in Baghdad. Without socks. In July. I'm not even fit to argue whether eating penis is in any way beneficial or healthy. What I wanna know is, who figured that shit out in the first place? How many penises did someone have to go through before they said "You know, when I eat penis, my skin gets so soft, and my sex drive goes into orbit"? It's a short leap, in my humble opinion, from eating penis to gain the full benefit, to just sucking on it to feel a little bit better. Some of y'all probably feel pretty damn good. Just sayin'. To be honest, I don't give a happy damn HOW therapeutic eating penis might be. I ain't doing it. The only way you could get me to eat penis would be if it was attached to Carmen Electra. And if "penis" was her cutesy name for her boobs. ------------- (From COLUMBUS, Ga. — Police have arrested the mother and two cousins of a pregnant 16-year-old who are accused of forcing the teen to drink turpentine in an attempt to induce an abortion. Rozelletta B. Blackshire, 44, was charged with criminal abortion and first-degree cruelty to children, Columbus Police Sgt. Debra Bohannon said. The teen's cousins, Shonda Y. Blackshire, 26, of Columbus, and Monica M. Johnson, 28, of Eufaula, Ala., also were arrested Friday and charged with criminal abortion. Investigators have not determined whether the turpentine has had any harmful effects on the teen, who is three months pregnant, or the fetus. "There's no medical evidence that would support you could induce an abortion by giving her turpentine," Bohannon said. "Still, it's not made to ingest. It's not good to ingest." Bohannon said the girl's mother and cousins twice forced her to drink turpentine between Sept. 12 and Sept. 20. The women might have wanted the teen to have an abortion because her pregnancy could have exacerbated an unrelated health problem, Bohannon said. The girl is in protective custody. Police were notified after the girl told her school counselor that her mother made her drink turpentine. Bohannon said the sex crimes unit was handling the case because they already were investigating a sexual assault case involving the pregnant teen. Investigators believe the girl conceived during that assault. This made me angry, then sad. First the anger. What the FUCK were they thinking, forcing this scared 16 year old to drink TURPENTINE? Let us turn to the Book of Wikipedia to view some of the uses of turpentine, shall we?

  • Applied externally to the affected areas, turpentine is a highly effective treatment for lice.
  • Turpentine can be mixed with animal fat as a primitive chest rub for nasal and throat complaints. Some modern chest rubs still contain some turpentine (e.g., Vicks).
  • Internal administration of turpentine is no longer common today, though it was once the preferred means of treating intestinal parasites. It has antiseptic and diuretic properties.
  • Drinking turpentine however, is extremely dangerous and can be life threatening. In addition, drinking turpentine is not an effective way to induce an abortion.
Well, well. It's spelled right out, plain as day. I could go the black comedy route and talk about more effective ways to induce abortion, but that's just wrong, and we're talking about a 16 year old who likely was impregnated via assault, an act thoroughly reprehensible. I'm guessing that, since it's all up in Wikipedia, drinking turpentine to induce abortion is some old wives' tale that's been circulating, and maybe the women thought that it would do the trick better than a real abortion. Or maybe they're inpoverished and can't afford an official abortion. Maybe a clinical abortion is against their morals, but one caused obstensibly by sickness would be more like a miscarriage, and therefore more acceptable. I don't know. I DO know that this scared little girl probably would've done anything they said to do in order to stop the trauma. And for that, I'm sad. ------------------- (From Excite News) FORT MITCHELL, Ky. (AP) - A northern Kentucky man wearing only a thong and carrying a knife allegedly videotaped himself attempting a burglary, then left the tape behind, police said. That evidence ultimately led to his arrest, Fort Mitchell Police Chief Steve Hensley said. Rodney McMillen, 36, of Covington was charged over the weekend with first-degree burglary. "This is a very, very bizarre case, to say the least," Hensley said. McMillen allegedly broke into a woman's apartment about 3 a.m. EDT on Sept. 20, clad in only thong underwear and carrying a knife, Hensley said. The woman fended off the attacker, who left the apartment and fled into a stand of trees near the apartment complex, Hensley said. Investigating officers found a video camera the burglar left in the apartment, Hensley said, and found video of McMillen's family on the end of the tape, Hensley said. Investigators were able to identify some of them and tracked down McMillen at his mother's house in Norwood, Ohio, Hensley said. McMillen was lodged in the Hamilton County Justice Center in Cincinnati on $50,000 bond, awaiting extradition to Kentucky. Is it just me, or are criminals getting dumber and dumber by the day? If you look up "criminal genius", I promise you that "wear a thong and videotape yourself committing the crime on a tape that also has some family shit on it" will not appear anywhere close to the actual definition. Thieves, crooks, and other assorted lowlifes! Hear me! If you're going to tape yourself doing a crime, here are some helpful hints:
  • Try not to get your face on camera.
  • Maybe wear more than a thong, just in case your ass gets caught.
  • Buy a brand-new tape and use THAT, not your wedding tape or your family renunion tape.
  • Consider having someone ELSE tape you, just so you can have both hands free. If you can't find a good friend to help you burgle someone, buy yourself a tripod for the camera. That also helps you remember it when you trip over the fucker during your getaway.
  • Practice your butt-kegels. You'll need a strong sphincter for your prison stint.
There. That should increase your criminal IQ by at least 50, 60 points. I should open a school. Then again, my students would probably break in and steal my shit. But since they'd videotape themselves doing it, I wouldn't need my own security cameras. Criminals are dumb. Peace.


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