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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 9/13/2006

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Wooooooweeee! I played hookie last week due to a certain someone overrunning my blog, and throwing my whole flow out of whack. I swear. You let the underprivileged get on the internet, and they treat it like a baby treats a Huggies. Well, things are finally back on track, so I'll now go forth and bring you the creamy goodness you've been thirsting for. It's action-packed and double-sized, and ribbed for her pleasure. Let's do this! On with the 'tribe. ---------------- (From The Smoking Gun) SEPTEMBER 6--When Nicholas Grunke last week spotted a newspaper photo of Laura Tennessen, the Wisconsin man apparently became so smitten that he plotted a rendezvous with the 20-year-old woman. But the photo Grunke saw accompanied an August 29 obituary of Tennessen, who died in a motorcycle accident. Undeterred, Grunke allegedly plotted with his twin brother Alex and a friend, 20-year-old Dustin Radke, to rob Tennessen's grave so that he could have sex with her corpse. Details of the trio's degenerate scheme are contained in a criminal complaint filed yesterday in Grant County Circuit Court. A copy of the document can be found here. In a police interview, Radke said that he and the Grunke brothers stopped at a Wal-Mart to buy condoms on their way to the cemetery. The necrophilia plot was disrupted Saturday night when police received a report of a suspicious vehicle near St. Charles Cemetery in Cassville, where Tennessen is buried. When confronted by a cop, an "very nervous" Alex Grunke admitted to the grave robbing scheme, noting that his cohorts were then digging up Tennessen's coffin. When police arrived at the gravesite, Nicholas Grunke and Radke were gone, though cops noticed that a hole had been dug down to the concrete vault encasing the woman's coffin, according to the complaint. Nicholas Grunke and Radke were later arrested while walking about eight miles from the cemetery. The men are each facing sexual assault and theft charges that could land them in prison for more than five years. I understand that years of playing Dungeons and Dragons, StarCraft, Magic: The Gathering, and any other no-human-contact games in your bedroom late at night with your loser friends while eating days-old pizza and talking about all the chicks you almost scored with 2 years ago at the Comic Convention has made you somewhat...shall we say, antisocial? Yes. We shall. But to dig up a dead body for the purpose of fornication is just way too fucking much. Seriously. And not to speak ill of the dead, but she was killed in a motorcycle accident, meaning that she most likely wasn't in pristine physical condition. I'm JUST SAYIN'! You wanna pine over a deceased woman because her photo was hot? Fine. Weird, but fine. How do you get your friends to go along with this? What's the sales pitch? Sloppy seconds? If my best friend in the world told me he wanted to dig up a corpse for the purpose of simulated Nicole Ritchie sex (c'mon, you know she doesn't move. She'd mess up her hair. Or break a rib), my second question would be "What's in it for me?". The first would be "Are you fucking insane?". And why buy condoms? She ain't gettin' pregnant, and the only thing he might catch is raging case of carpet burn. In a way, I think less of the buddies than I do for this lovelorn fool. We've all been there. We've all had that deep, bottomless craving for something completely much, that it physically hurts you to not have it. We've all laid awake at night, contemplating the ceiling, trying to figure out how, how, how you can be together with the one you love. We've all been there. Thick-sliced deli-cut maple-brushed peppered bacon, you will be mine someday. --------------- (From COUSHATTA, La. — A Louisiana school district is investigating complaints that a white school bus driver ordered nine black children to sit at the back of the bus. Red River Parish Schools Superintendent Kay Easley acknowledged she investigated the claim, and she confirmed to The (Shreveport) Times said the driver wasn't on the same route Wednesday. Easley did not return calls Thursday seeking further comment. The newspaper said she had declined to comment further on Wednesday. Iva Richmond, whose 14- and 15-year-old children were on the bus, told The Associated Press on Thursday that they previously had a black bus driver, but their bus assignment changed this year. When school started this month, the white driver told them she had assigned them seats, with the black children at the back of the bus. Richmond said she complained to a local principal, who told the driver that if any children were assigned to seats, all would have to be. Early last week, the driver assigned black students to two seats in the back of the bus, an arrangement that had some of the smaller children sitting in the laps of older children. "All nine children were assigned to two seats in the back of the bus and the older ones had to hold the smaller ones in their laps," she said. Richmond said her complaints to parish school officials were not immediately acted on. But she said Easley told her Wednesday that the situation would be addressed. "She said she was going to take care of it but she could not go into details about how she's going to take care of it," Richmond said.

Um. 1957 called - it wants its racism back. For people who either aren't from the south, or don't currently live in the south, this type of thing is almost unbelievable in our times. However, sadly enough, I'm not completely surprised about this. I'm more surprised that it was made public, actually. Racism isn't dead, folks, especially down here in the Sur. Shit like this happens everyday. The main difference between today and 40 years ago is that for the most part, the racism isn't overt anymore. It's more subtle, more subdermal. Back in South Carolina, there's this state-famous chain of barbeque restaurants named Maurice's which is owned, conveniently, by a man named Maurice. In his flagship store, Ol' Maurice was known to place pamphlets and literature on his counters, right next to the ketchup and the salt, that were intended to educate the hungry. The lesson taught? That slavery wasn't so bad, and that perhaps it should be reinstituted. I'm not kidding. Also at the flagship store, Maurice flew 3 flags, in this order: South Carolina flag, Confederate flag, and American flag. The town had an ordinance against flying 3 flags on the same flagpole, and so the counsel ordered him to remove one. He complied. He removed the American flag, and bought a new Confederate flag that was easily 3 times the size of the original one. You could literally see this flag for miles, flapping in the wind like some diseased bird of prey. I'm angered, and saddened to read a story like this, happening today. But I'm not surprised. ------------------- (From PLANO, Ill. - The Chicago Bears have cost an Illinois furniture dealer $300,000 by pulling off a shutout in their opening game against their NFL archrival Green Bay Packers. Randy Gonigam told his World Furniture Mall customers if the remarkable happened -- a shutout in the season-opener -- all of their Labor Day purchases would be free and money paid refunded. Yet the lifetime Bears fan was stunned when the Packers fell 26-0 to the Bears Sunday. "I was looking for a way to create some excitement -- both for my business, and for the Bears game opener," Gonigam told Furniture World magazine. "Looks like I got a bit more excitement than I bargained for." He said he would honor all refunds as long as customers showed up with receipts, and said he wouldn't rule out trying the stunt again, the magazine said. Rule #1: Don't let your mouth write checks your behind can't cash. Rule #2: Think small. Owner Mark Cuban gives out free chalupas if the Mavs score over 100. Chalupas = cheap. Free furniture = $300,000. Rule #3: Hire someone whose sole job in your store is to slap the monkeyshit out of you whenever you come up with a cockamamie scheme like this. Hire Ving Rhames. That way when you think about getting slapped, you'll think of Rhames, and start peeing your pants a little. Rule #4: NEVER wager business dealings against sporting events, because you...will...get...screwed. As soon as you say "Aw, they'll NEVER get a shutout!", that's when all of a sudden they become the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Stick to something you know. Say something like "If they don't solve the case by the end of an episode of 'Law and Order', free lamps and end tables for everyone." It minimizes risk, and well - you KNOW they always solve the case. I so should get my MBA. I said "MBA", not "NBA". My basketball skills are sadder than Camryn Manheim when Church's Chicken runs out of fried okra. ---------------- (From BENSALEM, Pa. - Police in Bensalem, Pa., were surprised to learn ads for "Oral Specialists" on an online market site had nothing to do with dentistry. Ads found on for "Oralspecialist," "Bensalem Beauty" and "A Quick Afternoon Snack" turned out to be solicitations placed by prostitutes, who have moved off the street corner and onto the information highway. An undercover Bensalem officer told the newspaper he was amazed at how blatant some of the ads were. The officer said he made "dates" with 12 advertisers last week and not a single one even asked if he was with the police department before meeting him at an area hotel. As an added bonus, one of the women brought along her boyfriend -- who just happened to have 55 bags of heroin and 87 bags of crack hidden in his pants. HEY, POLICE! I got a hot tip for you. You wanna hear it? It's juicy! **There are hookers, escorts, and all other types of 'pay me for sex' type folks on craigslist. Don't tell 'em I told you.** Damn, I feel just like Huggy Bear now. I'm an informant! Why is it that everyone who's ever browsed Craigslist knew this info before the Bensalem cops did? I'm guessing it's because Bensalem's only had the internet for about a week now, and they're still on dial-up, so pages with pics load slower than a kid walking to his room to get a spanking. It's not like they're HIDING. Shit, I saw two hookers' postings that said "Fuck tha police! We sellin' 'gina, and there ain't none finer! Two for $20 on Harry Hines Blvd." I only had $15, though. Don't the cops have better things to do than to chase down hookers on craigslist? Aren't there any REAL crimes going on, like beatings and murders and rapes and taxes and the war in Iraq? Prostitution should be legal, anyway. How is prostitution any different legally (not morally - LEGALLY) than surrogate motherhood? They're both renting/selling their female parts. The uterus is fine, but the vagina is a no-no? Makes no logical sense to me. If some lonely men want to purchase something they can get for free with a little effort and Crest, the women should be allowed to sell it to 'em. At least they got the boyfriend with the Smack 'n' Crack Wrinkle-Free Cargo Khakis. 55 bags of H and 87 bags of crack. Think he was dealing? Naaaaah. I bet he was just "holding them for a friend." ---------------- (From SNYDER, Okla. -- The police chief, the mayor and a councilman from a small, southwestern Oklahoma town resigned Friday, saying they were fed up with the public attention and criticism they received after the chief's wife appeared in various nude poses on a Web site and the photos began circulating around town. "This has turned into a media circus," Chief Tod Ozmun said Friday. "I don't feel like me staying in office is going to benefit my department or my staff. This has turned into a mess. This is ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous." Dozens of local residents had called for Ozmun's resignation, but the City Council decided last week that Doris Ozmun's adult pictures were protected by the First Amendment. A prosecutor had called for an investigation. The chief read a statement from Clifford Barnard, the councilman who resigned: "The citizens' concerns that we were not enforcing religious and moral beliefs was very heartfelt and I don't want to be associated with their moral or religious beliefs because I've never read anywhere in the Good Book that the Lord wanted us to persecute those that did not hold the same morals or values." Mayor Dale Moore also resigned. "I think this is wrong and I won't put up with it," he said. "I don't want to work in a community like this." Shirely Anderson, who served as Snyder's mayor for five years until 1995 and whose husband, Billy Ray Anderson, was mayor for eight years before that, has been critical of the chief and his wife. "They have no morals as far as I'm concerned," said Shirley Anderson. "That's the whole thing I think - morals. You should have respectable people in office. They need to go somewhere else where this is accepted." Earlier Friday, the chief said the whole issue involving his 43-year-old wife had been blown out of proportion. "People in this country do what she does on a daily basis," he said. "It's absolutely ludicrous. Makes no sense at all." He said he has had lengthy discussions with his wife about the photos but does not tell her what to do. "My wife is 6-foot-3 and weighs 300 pounds," he said. "If there is somebody that thinks they can control her, have at it. I have tried for 11 years and haven't been able to." Doris Ozmun is known worldwide for her work as a plus-sized model on a pornographic Web site. "This came to light because some of the people in town went onto the Internet to download pictures of her and started passing them out around the citizens here in town," the town's former mayor said. Moore said he based his decision not to fire the police chief on what's best for Snyder -- either to keep a chief who many believe doesn't share their morals or to fire a man who's keeping residents safe. That decision was to keep Ozmun as police chief. "We will take no action on Chief Ozmun," Moore said earlier this week. "He was not involved in these, and he has broken no laws." "He's done more drug arrests, solved more crimes than anybody else in town has ever done," he added. Resident Bryan Norton said he wants the chief fired. "When our kids come home from school telling us that the chief's wife is a porno queen, how do you answer that?" said Norton. Last week, the Ozmuns agreed to sit down with Eyewitness News 5 for an exclusive interview, but their attorney advised against it on Tuesday. Doris Ozmun was paroled in March 2005 after spending two years in the state prison system on drug-related charges. She released a statement in her defense: "Hi, my name is Doris Ozmun. I am a 43-year-old adult model. I am in no way affiliated with the Snyder Police Department other than the fact I am married to the chief of police, Tod Ozmun. The Web site I am featured on is in no way affiliated with the Snyder Police Department nor the city of Snyder. "I have done nothing illegal, and it is my First Amendment right of the Constitution. You do not have to like or agree with what I do for me to be protected by the First Amendment right." Let me make sure I got this straight - the sheriff, who was not a participant in his wife's LEGAL pornographic internet business, was asked to resign because someone was scouring the 'net, and came across his 300lb wife's website, in which she makes no connection with the town, the sheriff, or the police department. Well, how fucked up is that? THIS is what's wrong with this country. This shit here. This man did nothing wrong. His wife did nothing wrong. He wasn't derelict in his duties. She made no attempt to profit or in any other way benefit from her connection with the sheriff. Yet, he should've been removed on morals? Do morals arrest criminals? Do morals respond to your 911 calls at 2am because you thought you heard a prowler? Do morals take your best interest in mind when you've become the victim of a crime? Do morals know that Mrs. Littman has a touch of dementia, and will sometimes wander off into the corn field if she hasn't had her medication? Criminals, rejoice. The town of Snyder, Oklahoma has opened its doors to you because their hard-working and effective sheriff has a wife who is doing something they don't agree with, and he stepped down over the insidiously stupid controversy and drama. I'm glad the mayor stepped down, too. This shit is utterly ricockulous (all hail Monalicious). Then again, this is ridiculous, too: This, ladies and gentlemen, is the sheriff's wife. Rawr. Make that money, homegirl. If there are men out there coughing up dough to see YOU, you deserve to take their money. ----------- (From LAKE LURE, N.C. - It may have seemed like a dream come true, but winning a 5,700-square-foot home has turned into a nightmare for Donald P. Cook. Cook was the winner of HGTV's Dream Home in April, but says that he must sell the house because he can't afford it. The annual $19,396 tax bill plus maintenance costs are just too extravagant for Cook, who works as a state auditor. Cook said he'll occupy the home near Asheville, N.C. for a few weeks before selling it. He plans to retire in October, and will use the money from the home's sale to buy another house. The house has been assessed at a little more than $3 million. Funny thing is, DWW and I entered this contest every single day while it was going on, hoping to win the house. But we knew straight off that we couldn't afford to keep the damn thing. I had hoped to win it, pose in front of it for HGTV, and right there on camera say "HOLLA! We won! Oh and...this bitch is for sale. Right now. Cash only - no loans! Come take this albatross off my hands for a cool $3 million, and I'll kick in a free car wash." If WE knew we couldn't afford the taxes and upkeep, why didn't this state auditor know? Doesn't he work with numbers or something? I wouldn't've even set foot in the place. I would've brought a Century21 sign WITH ME to the unveiling or whatever. You ain't putting Da Kid in arrears for some damn TV show. Heh. I said "arrears". Peace.


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