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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 11/29/2006 - DOUBLE SIZED!

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WOOOO! A double-sized diatribe, since y'all missed out last week. I was full of spiral cut ham and turkey wings, plus I had to work last Wednesday, so forgive me if writing this drivel up wasn't at the top of my To Do list. I know you'll forgive, 'cause I ALWAYS deliver. Just call me UPS. What can Brown do for you? On with the 'tribe. --------------- (from Bizarre News) An Arizona high school student walked across the stage to receive her diploma last month, despite the fact that she failed her senior English class. How did this happen, you ask? Her parents threatened to sue the school if she didn't graduate. In the letter prepared by the parents' lawyer, was this friendly reminder to the teacher... "Of course, all information regarding your background, your employment records, all of your class records, past and present, dealings with this and other students becomes relevant, should litigation be necessary." In response to this the school allowed the girl in question to retake her final five hours before graduation, even while other failing students (whose parents probably could not afford lawyers) were registering for Summer school. This...this right here...this is what's wrong with this country today. This shit. What a WONDERFUL message to send to your child: "Hey, if you fail, we will bail you out with lawyers. Nevermind that life doesn't have a fucking Undo button." How are you teaching your child that there are ramifications and consequences for their actions if you immediately jump in like a weak-ass superhero anytime they screw up? The school didn't commit any wrongs against this chick. She FAILED. Wanna know how to prevent that? Tell the bitch to study more, and to maybe pass a test, and perhaps then she'd succeed. On her own. Back in college, my freshman year, I was royally fucking up. I took 18 hours my first semester, plus marching band. My grades were the evidence of my lack of studying. I was so afraid of what my mom would say...I nearly hid the grades from her when they arrived. But I showed her, and instead of yelling, she said the most chilling thing of all to me: "You know what, Damian? These are YOUR grades. This is YOUR education here. This is YOUR future you're mapping out. I've already GOTTEN my college degree. It's up to you to get yours." And that was it. Scared the SHIT out of me. This girl, once she realizes that life is a mugger with opportunity in one hand and a taser in the other, won't have a CLUE how to handle it. Her parents need their asses beat. And so does the school for caving in. I swear, when I get rich, I'm opening the Bernie Mac School of Education and Discipline. Your child WILL pass, or that's his ass. Oooo, there's my motto! ------------------ (from Bizarre News) DECATUR - Two Decatur men are jailed under $100,000 bonds for investigation of armed robbery, aggravated kidnapping and aggravated unlawful use of a weapon after they allegedly robbed a man at gunpoint. The victim, Macolm McDaniel, called police at 10:18 p.m. Friday to report the robbery, which occurred in the west alley of the 1500 block of North Clinton Street. McDaniel said he was walking about 10:10 p.m. in the 200 block of West Leafland Avenue when a black Nissan with plastic covering one window pulled up next to him and a man inside the car asked for a cigarette, police officer Mike Donaker said in a sworn statement filed in Macon County Circuit Court. When he approached the car, the driver pulled a silver-colored revolver and told him to get in the back seat, McDaniel told officers. He did so and the passenger then held the gun on him while the driver took them to the alley. There, McDaniel was made to get out of the car. He said the driver went through his pockets and removed a half package of Marlboro cigarettes and a Bic lighter before kicking him in the left hamstring and telling him "now get out of my hood." As officers talked with McDaniel, a black Nissan with plastic over one window drove by and the driver honked his horn, Donaker said. The car was stopped and searched with a half package of Marlboro cigarettes found in the front seat and a Bic lighter in the driver's pant pocket, he said. The two men in the car, ages 17 and 18, were arrested, Donaker said. McDaniel identified them as his assailants, he said. ... You know, I really hate giving lessons to criminals, telling them the proper way to commit crimes. I do. It's a disservice to law-abiding citizens who may be victimized by these criminals and their newly-gained knowledge. But do you know what I hate more than crime? Stupidity. Fat, lazy, dumb, ice cream eating, lactose-intolerant stupidity. I can't stand it. I feel like I HAVE to do something. Maybe if I tell them how to not be stupid, they can correct themselves and join the rest of society, thus reducing the level of Duh by one. Don't hate me, people. I have to do this. HEY, CROOKS! Listen to me. If you just HAVE to rob someone, make sure of a few things:

  • Make sure he/she has something you want or need. A half-pack of cigs and a lighter just doesn't cut the mustard. You'd probably get 1/6th of the jail time (if any at all) for just shoplifting a full pack and a nice-ass lighter from Circle K. Be smart. Think like the criminals who waited outside electronics stores the day the PS3 came out, and stole the systems from the doofuses who waited outside for days. Now THAT'S using the ol' noggin.
  • If you're going to rob them, rob them where they stand. Don't make them get in the car, and don't take THEIR car, unless it's the car that you want. And if you do take their car, leave them behind. Kidnapping is a stupid-ass addendum to an already stupid-ass crime.
  • If you happen to drive by your victim, and he's talking to the police, don't honk your horn. I mean, really. What does that accomplish? If he didn't see you...roll on, fool. You got lucky. Especially if your car stands out, like a black Nissan with plastic on one window would.
  • Get rid of the evidence, if it's insignificant AND if you've been spotted by the victim AND the victim was talking to a cop. At least make the cops work for their paycheck a little. Don't just hand them the case, all wrapped up. I don't mean for you to shoot 'em, but jeez - challenge them mentally.
Damn. I have an ice cream headache now. ------------------- (from Fark) DE QUEEN, Ark. (AP) - The guitar-shaped bulge in Morgan Conatser's clothing tipped off a music store owner that there might be a crime in progress. Clifton Lovell, owner of Guitars and Cadillacs on U.S. Highway 71 in De Queen, was talking with a customer last week when he saw Conatser, 29, walking out of the store. "I saw him walking out to his pickup truck and the bulges in his leather jacket. I said, 'Hey what have you got there,'" Clifton Lovell said. He said Conatser, 29, replied, Nothing." Lovell pointed toward the unnatural shapes in Conatser's jacket and pants and said, "You've got something." Conatser then removed a solid body electric guitar from his pants leg and from underneath his jacket. "The neck of the guitar was almost down to his knee and the back of the guitar was almost up to his neck. It wasn't hard to spot. There was no way he could sit down or get into the pickup," Lovell said. With the guitar back in the store, Lovell didn't intend to call the sheriff's office. But then he discovered a wireless sound system was missing. Lovell called the Sevier County Sheriff's Department and gave a description of Conatser and his pickup. Deputy Jeff Wahls called Conatser's father, who told Wahls how to find the house. The deputy found Conatser at home, where Conatser went to his bedroom closet and retrieved the sound system, Wahls said. "He made a statement saying he needed the property because he needed to make ends meet," Wahls said. Conatser was arrested on a charge of theft of property under $500 for the sound equipment because the guitar had already been returned to the shop owner. The sound system was worth about $200. "This is a new one on me and I couldn't believe he tried," Lovell said. "The strings were pressed down and he didn't make any noise." Conatser was issued a misdemeanor citation and released. Conatser can resolve the charge by paying a fine or he can contest the charge in Sevier County District Court. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Man, send this guy a MENSA application, stat! I would've never thought to steal a guitar by stuffing it down my pants, mainly because (a) there's no room, if you catch my drift, and (b) I can't think that low-level. My plan would've involved infrared cameras, a pulley system, spray mist for laser tripwires, a seeing eye dog, a tranquilizer gun, 14 raw hamburger patties, half a gram of flour (disguised to look like cocaine), night vision goggles, a fake ID, a high-tech radio earpiece, a Trans Am, an LED flashlight, and a hot chick. This man had it broken down to the very last compound. Just...stuff it in your pants, and stroll. I own several basses, which are longer than guitars, but still - guitars are just a tad too long for stuffing in your Wranglers and then stiff-legging it out the door, you know? If I worked at Guitar Center or whatever, and I saw a guy walking like Lurch from The Munsters, I'd go ahead and assume he's applying the five-finger discount to one of my axes. But then again, maybe all he REALLY wanted was the wireless system, 'cause he actually (sorta) got away with that. Dumbass. Sell some plasma and buy that crap on Ebay. Doesn't he know ANYTHING? -------------------- (from Fark) FRESNO, Calif. -- A former lab worker on trial for allegedly helping his boss murder her husband by placing his body in a vat of acid was motivated to kill by the promise of "money and favors" from her, prosecutors say. James Fagone, 24, accepted $2,000 from Clovis biochemist Larissa Schuster, 46, in exchange for help with the slaying, prosecutor Dennis Peterson told jurors during opening statements Monday, the Fresno Bee reported. Fagone and Schuster are accused of kidnapping, torturing and killing her estranged husband, 45-year-old Timothy Schuster, in July 2003. Prosecutors said the two first immobilized Timothy Schuster with a stun gun and a chloroform-soaked rag. They bound his hands and feet, before dumping him head first - and still breathing - into a 55-gallon barrel and poured bottles of hydrochloric acid on the body, they said. By the time the body was discovered days later, the upper half was dissolved. Defense attorneys, however, described Fagone as a Sanger High School graduate and diligent churchgoer who "studied hummingbirds and wouldn't kill a spider." He was threatened by his former boss into kidnapping and burglarizing her husband, said his attorney Peter Jones. "The road to perdition for Mr. Fagone begins with a sick, sadistic, sociopath named Larissa Schuster," Jones said. "He never contemplated, he never planned, he never expected Mr. Schuster to die." If found guilty of the murder, torture, burglary and kidnapping charges, Fagone could be sentenced to life in prison. Larissa Schuster goes to trial next year. Boss: "Hey James, I wonder if I can get you to help me with something..." James: "Sure, Dr. Schuster. Anything I can do to help. What's up?" Boss (showing some leg): "Well, it's sorta delicate, James..." James (feeling very warm inside): "Um...ok... what is it?" Boss (showing some cleavage): "See, I've got this itch that just needs to be scratched..." James (remembering how he felt after watching "Sailor Moon", and liking it): "I can scratch. I mean, not like a hippity-hop DJ or anything, but I've got long nails, 'cause I play "World of Warcraft" a lot and I'm trying to look like this one Orc named -" Boss (already disliking her choice of accomplices): "JAMES! Focus power. Not a literal itch, a figurative one." James (like a playa): "I like figures. I'm good with figures, too. You have a nice one." Boss (stifling a gag): " That's very nice. I'll even give you $2000 for your troubles. So, you'll help me, then?" James (whipping off his stained lab coat, cardigan sweater and his khakis): "$2000? To help you with your 'itch'? Oh, YES MA'AM! Now, where do I put it first? Is it just like on Cinemax after midnight on Fridays?" Boss: "Dear sweet baby Jesus..." -------------------- (from Fark) LEXINGTON, S.C. (AP) -- A man fatally shot his friend with a high-powered rifle in a dispute over a $20 bet on the South Carolina-Clemson football game, authorities said Sunday. James Walter Quick, 42, was charged with murder in the shooting of Richard Allen Johnson, 43. Johnson died from a single shot to the chest, according to a preliminary autopsy Sunday. The two had bet $20 on the annual game, with Quick taking South Carolina, which won 31-28, and Johnson taking Clemson, Lexington County Sheriff James Metts said. They drank beer all afternoon and watched the game Saturday at Johnson's home, and began arguing about the bet after the game. Metts said Quick went to his car, got the rifle he normally uses for hunting and fired one shot, hitting Johnson in the chest. Deputies arrested Quick. Quick was being held Sunday in the Lexington County jail, awaiting a bail hearing. The sheriff's department said he did not yet have a lawyer. I went to Clemson. I get very involved in the rivaly with South Carolina. After the game on Saturday, I got a few calls from "concerned" friends, wondering if I was on suicide watch after the loss. I wasn't. You know why? It's just a game, folks, and I didn't even play in it. Other Clemson grads are just as fervent as I am about our alma mater, but when it's all said and done, if we lose, the sun'll still rise. You know who takes this shit MUCH more seriously? People who DIDN'T go to the college. Those folks are way, way too into it. They didn't necessarily see these goofballs in their World History 102 class, wearing headphone, sleeping their ASSES off the whole time, while you took notes like a muhfucka, wondering if you were gonna pass. The goofballs had no such worries. I LOVE my school, but damn. Alcohol surely played a role in this. This particular article left off the best part. When Quick pulled the gun on him, Johnson, the Clemson supporter, told Quick that he couldn't shoot him because was invisible. Quick replied "No, you're not." Then he shot him. Those are famous last words, for real. Hey folks - love your team. Love them hard. But unless your kid's on the team, or you get paid by the school, or you're in any way directly affected by the outcome of the game....chill. They're playing with a ball. It's just not that important in the grand scheme. ------------------------ (from Fark) DENVER -- The first persona to be arrested in Denver on DNA evidence alone has been sentenced to 27 years in prison after pleading guilty to burglary and indecent exposure. "I take full responsibility," Terre Jefferson, 35, told Denver District Judge Morris Hoffman at his sentencing Monday. Jefferson was ordered to register as a sex offender and get sex-offender evaluation and treatment. He was accused of entering the homes of three women who awoke to find him sitting on their beds or standing nearby, fondling himself. Prosecutor Dawn Weber said he would ask the victims if he could smell or lick their feet. The incidents occurred in August 2002 and July and August 2004. District Attorney Mitch Morrissey filed the cases last year against a defendant known only by his DNA collected at the crime scenes. Investigators later identified Jefferson as a suspect by comparing their evidence with a DNA sample he was required to submit after he was convicted on another burglary charge in 2004. Jefferson pleaded guilty in the latest cases in August. Defense attorney Katie Manzanares said Jefferson has learned from his mistakes and is taking classes intended to help sexual offenders. Yet another foot fetishist. I'm gonna start a special section, devoted soley to the sick bitches who have to violate others to satisfy their need to lick or sniff feet. I'm also gonna start a section just for weird Denver shit, 'cause let's face it - there's some weird shit going down in Denver. I've seen more crazy stories out of there than at a Courtney Love sleepover. HDW, what's up with your town? Yeesh. I heard even Kobe Bryant won't go there anymore. I'd rant about how sick these people are, with their weird-ass feet issues, and how they keep forcing it on others, but...I'm tired. It's always the same thing. Some guy, with an obvious mental defect, doing something dumb in a public fashion, and gets busted. Freaks. Just enjoy open-toed sandals and French pedicures like the rest of us, Footloose. You're giving us all a bad name. And we already had one of those. Peace.


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