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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 11/15/2006

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All personal information that you provide here will be governed by the Privacy Policy of More... up? I'm pretty much over my righteous fury from yesterday. I don't get mad often, and it never lasts long, pretty much like sex for an ugly teenager. My grandma is OK, and she told me to calm down, and I always listen to my grandma, so I'm calming on down now. Enjoy today's diatribe, 'cause I think tomorrow's post might be dedicated to someone I've avoided for a long time, except in little snotty remarks here and there. I've avoided him because I didn't wanna waste my precious words on him, nor give him any more publicity than he already gets, but the damn fool has gone too far now. Y'all know who I'm gonna dissect. Oh, yes. Him. The murderer. Orenthal James Simpson. OJ. And it's gonna be so sweet, because this fool doesn't know how to leave bad enough alone. But that's tomorrow. This is today. And today...we diatribe. Roll out. ------------------------ (from Bizarre News) ORANGE COUNTY, Fla. -- Orange County deputies caught up with a driver who rammed his pickup into the front doors of a bar early Friday morning. Security guards said they tossed the man out earlier in the evening and that's when he got into his truck and drove right for them. The man, who deputies said intentionally rammed his pick-up truck into the front door of a sports bar overnight, was taken into custody shortly after the alleged incident. Deputies found him hiding in a wooded area on Orange Blossom Trail near Holden Avenue. Deputies said the suspect had been involved in a fight at Chaparros Sports Bar. When security guards asked him to leave, he got in his truck and allegedly drove right at them, smashing through the entry way. The man came back about an hour and a half later to pick up his girlfriend. She called the Orange County Sheriff's Office to let them know he was on his way back. A search helicopter spotted him hiding near the Tuscany Village apartments. The suspect was taken to the hospital and treated for numerous dog bites. The man could be facing criminal mischief and aggravated assault charges. His name was not released. So....dude gets into a fight, and gets thrown out of the bar. I'm good with that. But instead of leaving, or talking shit about the bouncers from across the street, or waiting down the block for the person he was fighting with, he drove his truck INTO the bar? I'm fuzzy on what it was he was trying to accomplish here. Did someone need a ride, and he wanted to park as close as possible? I mean, it says that the idiot came back later to get his girlfriend, but that was after he tried to order biggie fries at the new front door drive through. I pose this question to you, readers: if you had driven a truck through the entryway of a bar and managed to escape, would you then RETURN to that bar on the SAME NIGHT, driving the SAME TRUCK, just to pick up your drunk-ass whoretacular girlfriend who was probably giving head to the dude you fought while you were gone? You may ask why I'm dogging her out, and I'll tell you. It's because she's the one who ratted him out to the cops. I don't like what he did, but DAMN, that's cold. Why the fuck didn't she leave with him when he got thrown out? If I got thrown out of a bar, I would fully expect my girlfriend to be right there next to me, telling the bouncers all about their shortcomings (so long as she didn't have first-hand knowledge of them). I'm telling you, she was kneepadding it in the back room behind the broken foosball table. Hoochie. I love that he got lit up by the police dogs, though. I guess they took a bite outta crime. That...was a terrible pun. Next! ---------------------- (From Fark) Three men attempted to kidnap a teenager in a dispute over stereo speakers shortly before 4:45 p.m. on Monday, Wichita police reported. One of the three pulled out a gun and fired it at the teen in the 1000 block of South Wichita. The shot missed the teen. But then the shooter jammed the gun back into the waistband of his pants -- and it went off. The bullet struck the 23-year-old man in his left testicle, causing him to cringe -- which caused the gun to fire again. The second shot struck him in the left calf. Police did not release information about the size of the gun he was using at the time. The wounded man walked into Via Christi Regional Medical Center-St. Francis Campus seeking treatment, police said, and was later booked into the Sedgwick County Jail on suspicion of aggravated assault and aggravated attempted kidnapping. His companions, ages 18 and 20, were arrested for aggravated attempted kidnapping and conspiracy to obstruct justice. How classic is THIS? People, if you're going to bust caps at others, here's a simple 5 point action plan. Take notes.

  • Make sure you have a valid reason. A dispute over audio equipment isn't worth spending 10-20 years in prison, because them shits will be obsolete when you get out, anyway.
  • Get yourself a nice shoulder holster, or perhaps an inexpensive ankle holster, if you're on a budget. Draw down like a man.
  • If you elect to avoid the holster, try to avoid JAMMING the just-fired weapon into your waistband. That only looks cool in the movies, where their guns aren't loaded. Think. That gun is probably hot as hell. And since you just got finished shooting at someone, the safety most likely isn't on. It's common sense. Ease that muhfucka into your waistband, son.
  • If you accidently shoot yourself in the nutsack, take it like a man. Sure it hurts, but you gotta keep your wits (ha!) about you. Withdraw the pistol before you fire again. You already can't have to not make yourself a eunuch. Look it up, Einstein.
  • If you just couldn't avoid shooting yourself twice, it might not be a bad idea to go to the furtherest hospital you can reach before exsanguination sets in. See, when you roll up into an ER with GSWs (that's 'gunshot wounds' to you non- "ER", "Grey's Anatomy", or "House" watchers), the hospital staff is obligated to call the cops, just in case you were doing something stupid. Maybe tie a tourniquet around your balls and catch a bus to the next town over. That'll at least slow them down.
Just follow my simple plan, and your life of crime will be relatively stress-free. And for the record, I like Dell laptops, so...hook a brotha up. ----------------------- (from Fark) A plumber punched a customer in the face then threatened to shoot him during an argument over a job in Perth. The tradesman turned up at the 66-year-old man's house in Mosman Park in Perth's west on Friday even though he had been told he wasn't needed, a WA police spokesman said. When the man told the plumber again that he did not want him to work that day, the tradesman became aggressive. The plumber allegedly punched the man in the face then got a pistol out of his bag and threatened to shoot him. Police searching a house yesterday found a man trying to leave throught the back door. They also discovered an unlicensed .38 calibre revolver and ammunition, and a cross bow and eight bolts. A 31-year-old man was charged with assault occasioning bodily harm, threatening behaviour, possessing an unlicensed firearm, possessing unlicensed ammunition and possessing a controlled weapon. He is due to appear in Perth Magistrates Court on November 16. That's one helluva way to get a recommendation for your next job. Maybe that's how they get down in Australia. They're known for being a rough-and-tumble bunch, so maybe all this violence was just his opening negotiation tactic. Seriously, if you punch someone in the grill and then pull out your .38, you're much more likely to gain the upper hand, possibly resulting in a very positive monetary outcome during deliberations. I personally think the crossbow was his "closer". A gun is scary, but if someone whips out a damn crossbow on me, it's over like Rover. You can't even ACT tough with a crossbow aimed at you. All that action movie "Shoot me!" bullshit goes right out the window, 'cause the only thing you'll think about is an arrow sticking out of your ass as you run down the road like Wyle E. Coyote on those leg muscle pills. Unlike Mr. Shootnuts from the above story, it's even LESS cool to go to an ER with an arrow in you, victim or not. It seems to me like this man had an agenda. No one comes to a jobsite, prepared to do some plumbin', carrying an arsenal. I've had many plumbers come plumb at my house, and not one of 'em ever said "Hey, pass me that 3/8 9 millimeter Beretta torque wrench, please." That's just silly. They'd never mix metric and standard measurements. Peace.


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