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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 5/10/2006

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Hola, gente! Feliz Diez de Mayo! That's right, I wished you a happy 10th of May. Go to your nearest tavern, get an icy cold bottle of Coors Light or Natty Light or whatever makes your liver quiver, and have one on me. In the meantime, enjoy a tasty and succulent Diatribe, on the house. Tip your bartender. Go! ------------------------------- MCSHERRYSTOWN, Pa. - A Pennsylvania mother offered a tempting but illegal incentive to get her 13-year-old son to do his homework - she rewarded him by smoking marijuana with him. During police questioning, Amanda Lynn Livelsberger, 30, said she had been sharing her marijuana with her son after school since he was 11, and said she had also smoked dope with two of his school friends. The boy said his mother told him if he smoked marijuana he would forget about his father who was in prison for selling and smoking crack. She also told him that smoking marijuana would not hurt him like cigarettes would, the York (Pa.) Daily Record reported. What a fantastic mother. She is why we celebrate Mother's Day, really. She is the template for all mothers and mothers-to-be. I swear, there's a seminar with her name on it. She's been getting high with Junior since he was 11. 11! How cool is this mom? Other moms are busy denying requests to go to so-and-so's house because there might be liquor there. THIS mom is letting his FRIENDS toke up! Awesome. I bet she lets them watch Rated R movies and eat junk food, too. Maybe even soda. Jimmy and Jojo would come over, smoke some 'dro (short for "hydro", a potent type of weed, for you who don't know), and talk about world events. Junior (inhaling): "Yo, this shit is tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight! Thanks, Mom! Jojo, did you see that fine bitch in History class? Rebecca or Rebooka or Chewbacca or something?" Jojo (taking the doobie): "Chewbacca. Hahahahahahahaha! Chewbacca, man. Oh, damn. Funny. You said 'Chewbacca'." Mom: "You're welcome, honey. Hey, puff, puff give, fool. Quit bogarting. So, is she hot or what?" I'm thinking the fact that he's 13 and she's 30 (17 year old mom = MENSA) played a role in this. But man, to tell your kid that getting high will help him forget his dad who is in jail for getting high is utterly ridiculous and reprehensible. I hope she enjoyed her high times with him, 'cause she probably won't be spending much more time with the lad. I'm sure he's sad - where will he get weed from now? ----------------------------------- NEW YORK - A New York City man has been charged with assaulting women in the subway system by kneeling before them and kissing and licking their feet. Police say eight of nine women picked Joseph Weir out of lineups, the Daily News reported. Weir was arrested Thursday night after he allegedly struck again in lower Manhattan, attacking a woman on a Queens-bound train. Investigators say they have had 14 previous complaints. Assistant Manhattan District Attorney Rachana Pathak said Weir would go to women who were alone at night, asking: "Can I date you? Can I be your slave?" He would then allegedly kneel down, sometimes taking off a woman's shoes, and lick her feet -- in one case also running his hands across a victim's thighs and genital area. There are some true, deep, serious freaks out there, for real. It doesn't say whether this guy is mentally ill, or if he's just REALLY into feet, but let's assume the latter, for the sake of comedy. What goes through your mind when the brilliant idea of licking stangers' feet without permission, on the damn subway, invades your thoughts? Don't get me wrong - I love a nice pedicured toe, for real. I love summertime 'cause feet are out and about. But moderation, people! You just can't lick feet. First of all, it's unsanitary. If someone's walking onto the subway in New York, the bottom of their feet probably have West Nile virus or bird flu or rheumatic fever or corns or SOMETHING. Secondly, how can you think that anyone would respond positively to this treatment? No one would willingly submit to that, outside of porn. Seriously, a woman could offer me fellatio on the subway and I'd Eventually. I would. C'mon, that's just not reasonable. If I were him, I'd be extremely frightened of the woman who DIDN'T run away screaming, 'cause she's probably an even bigger freak than he is. Manfreak: "Hi, I lick feet." Womanfreak: "Hi, I make lamp shades out of human skin." Manfreak: "You win." ---------------------------- PORTLAND, Ore - The days of jumping from swings and playing games on the playground may soon be over for today's children, thanks to our culture of fear and injury litigation. Some school districts have already gone as far as to ban the game of tag and even have signs that read "no running on the playground." Safety advocates believe there is real danger on the playground and are working to eliminate swing sets from elementary schools playgrounds. They've already convinced Portland Public Schools to get rid of swings, merry go rounds, tube slides, track rides, arch climbers, and teeter totters. These over the top safety cautions are popping up all over the place. In Salem, an elementary education director says "we don't encourage the game of tag because it encourages fights." sad. Truly, it's sad, and a damn shame. Here's what our society has been reduced to - a group of scared, fearful people who are afraid to sneeze lest they incur a lawsuit. It's crazy. Back in the 80s, kids would fall head-first from the monkey bars, and the most that would happen is that their parents would say "What were you THINKING, you nincompoop?" You think they blamed the school, the teacher, the district, or anyone else EXCEPT the kid himself? Hell, no! If I had fallen from the merry-go-round and my arm was torn off, my mother would come to the school, pick up the arm, and beat my ass with it. There'd be no lawsuit, unless it was me suing her for whupping my ass too much. But not today. Everything is someone else's fault. I'm no stranger to suits - I've been involved in a lawsuit myself. And I won, dammit. But I had a legitimate beef, and the courts saw it that way. So don't judge me. You can't stop kids from being kids, folks. Can they fall down from running on the playground? Absolutely. But kids NEED to fall down, so they can learn to get back up again. Can they jump off the swings and get a boo-boo? Yep, happens all the time. And if no adults are watching when it happens, those kids jump right up, brush themselves off, and play as if it never occurred. What the hell are the kids in Portland public schools supposed to do outside, just stare at cracks in the ground and play Yu-Gi-Oh? Oh wait - not Yu-Gi-Oh - it encourages competition and winning, and neither of those are healthy for kids, you see. Portland is going to unleash a group of namby-pamby, soft, unscathed, wholly protected kids onto world - kids who have no concept of hardship or sacrifice; kids who go crying to the nearest authority figure at the first whiff of trouble; kids who cannot rely on themselves. Give 'em swings, give 'em see-saws, give 'em freedom to explore their world and discover that pain is a part of life that is as necessary as it is unavoidable. Besides - watching little kids fall down is funny. EDIT: Y'all coulda told me about the typos. I wouldn't be mad. You KNOW I hate typos like a mofo. Tell a brotha next time, 'kay? Word. Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I don't make this shit up.


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