101. That's how hot it was here yesterday. 101 degrees. I swear I saw Satan and a gila monster eating snowcones on the corner. It was THAT hot. In APRIL! And yet the Bush administration claims that the Greenhouse effect has been overstated and blown out of proportion. Tell that to the power companies who were doing rolling blackouts to prevent massive system failures due to an unprecedented use of air conditioners! Tell that to my DVR, which was recording "House" when my power went out last night! Oy. I'm grumpy. On with the news. ------------------ LONGMONT, Colo. - Jason Niccum thought he had the perfect setup. Using a device that let him change traffic lights from red to green, he was able to practically fly to work everyday. But the party is over now that he has received a $50 ticket on suspicion of interfering with a traffic signal. Niccum said he bought the device on eBay for $100, and it has cut his driving time to work. "I guess in the two years I had it, that thing paid for itself," he told the Daily Times-Call. The device is known as an Opticon and is similar to what firefighters use to change lights during emergencies. Niccum was cited after police caught him using the Opticon to change traffic lights. Isn't this the same thing criminals use in heist movies, when they're planning their elaborate scheme to steal $400 million in rare gems, transfer them to another vehicle mid-route, and make their escape in a hot air balloon or something? This man should be heralded, not persecuted. He's a damn genius! I love anyone who effectively thwarts the system, and this definitely counts as thwarting. I know, I know - it's dangerous, it's illegal, blah blah fuckety blah. Look. Think of what he gained, people!

• Increased work productivity from getting there faster and more relaxed
• Less gas consumption, which is good for the environment
• Peace of mind from knowing that driving in traffic can indeed be pleasurable
• Jessica Alba (I just threw that in there for effect)
• Bragging rights over his friends, and you KNOW they all wanted to borrow that
• Safety - what if he was going through a bad neighborhood, and didn't want to be a victim of a smash 'n' dash or a carjacking?

• He threw her to the floor. Violence, especially over food items, is wrong. It's just a sandwich, man. Heat it up your damn self.
• He hurled a microwave oven onto her chest. OK, I'll give you some leeway on throwing her down. It's still wrong, but hey, shit gets outta hand sometimes. But throwing the microwave on her chest? Dawg, how's she gonna heat up your sandwich now? She can't breathe, and the microwave's broken. Idiot!
• He stomped on her chest and banged her head against the floor. You KNOW you're messing up now. When you're stomping on someone's chest, you're in the wrong. Period. You won already. It's over. Stop. NOTHING is that bad that you have to stomp a chest over it! Especially not a sandwich!
• He had a beer before finally getting in touch with 911. Well, yeah. Killing someone makes you parched.