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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 4/27/2006

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I'll be honest with you, folks, because I love you all so much: I'm just not feelin' it today. I'm really not. Usually, when I start writing a diatribe, I read the articles, and I allow a warm wave of creativity to wash over me as I write my responses. I rarely even know what I'm going to say until I'm typing it out. Today, it's low tide. No waves. Nada. But I'm gonna give it the ol' college try. In the meantime, feel free to poke fun at my feeble attempts at forced comedy. I'm sure it'll be...delightful. On with the show. ---------- TOKYO (Reuters) - A Japanese man has confessed to killing his mother, dismembering her body, and grilling part of it on an electric hot plate after she nagged him about getting a job, media reports said. Yaoki Osawa, 37, was arrested Monday on suspicion of disposing of his 57-year-old mother's body improperly, police in the western city of Osaka said. According to police quoted by Kyodo news agency, Osawa killed his mother last May by battering her head with a stone after she fell down some stairs following an argument and was unable to move. He then dismembered her body, embedding parts like the skull in cement and grilling others over an electric hot plate before throwing them out with the household garbage, supposedly to prevent them from giving off a smell. Asked why he disposed of his mother's body in such a way, Osawa was quoted by Kyodo as saying: "I was at a loss about what to do with it." Osaka police confirmed that parts of the body had been encased in cement but declined to confirm other details, saying the case was still under investigation. For someone who didn't want to get a job, he sure put in a lot of work. His mom "fell" down some stairs (yeah, I'm real sure that right after the argument, she somehow forgot to pay her equilibrium bill, and gravity came to collect. Sure.), then he battered her with a stone (hard work), dismembered her (very hard work), embedded parts in concrete (this guy was working overtime), grilled other parts (Emeril Lagasse to the white courtesy phone, please!), and then took out the trash (with her body in it, of course). Damn if the stereotypes aren't true. Even lazy Japanese people work harder than Americans. ------------------------ CHARLOTTE, N.C. - A cornered South Carolina car thief suspect who decided to wrestle with a police dog and try to strangle it was recovering from bite wounds Monday. Sunday night, police in Charlotte responded to a 911 call from a man who said he could see someone trying to steal his car. The canine unit also responded, and after just a few minutes, the dog located the man and had him cornered, the Charlotte Observer said. Officers said the man lunged at the dog, and wrestled with it briefly as he tried to choke it. The dog took control and bit the suspect, which required hospital treatment, the newspaper said. The mental imagery is too rich to ignore. I can see this guy, rolling around on the ground with Cujo, trying to choke him while Cujo is busy making a meal out of his face. Silly criminals. Of course, he IS from my home state of South Carolina, which recently made the news because of the state legislature's efforts to eliminate the state's out-of-control problem toys. Yes. Sex toys. As a native South Carolinian, I'm just glad they've solved EVERY OTHER MAJOR ISSUE in the state, and are now getting around to this rampant epidemic. Crime eliminated? Check. Statewide healthcare for every citizen? Check. No homeless? Check. Effective hurricane evacuation plan? Check. Elimination of institutionalized racism and sexism? Check. Jobs for everyone who wants one? Check. Best educational standards in the nation? Check. Now let's get crackin' on them dildos!! -------------------------- GREENSBURG, Pa. - A Pittsburgh man is seeking damages from the former girlfriend who has admitted supergluing his genitals and buttocks together while he was asleep. Kenneth Slaby told a jury that he was in "severe pain" when he woke up. He was also puzzled because his head was painted with nail polish. "I was more worried about my groin because I was all stuck together," he said. Slaby and Gail O'Toole had had a rocky relationship even before their final breakup. They dated, broke up and got back together in May 2000. Then Slaby spent a weekend at O'Toole's home and made the mistake of nodding off. In her testimony, O'Toole, who pleaded guilty to misdemeanor assault, admitted the gluing. But she said that Slaby took it as a joke, telling jurors he "laughed quite a lot." Yeah, crying like a lost little girl sounds a lot like laughter, when it's coming from a guy who's had his jonx glued together in his sleep. How pissed/crazy do you have to be to superglue a guy's joint and ass? And obviously, it was a plot she had con-cock-ted well before he decided to sleep over. He nodded off, and woke up Sean Young style. Ladies, let me tell you - there are better ways to seek revenge. This is just...cruel. You wanna strike back against your man? Call your cable or satellite company and remove HBO, Skinemax, Showtime, Discovery, and ESPN from the lineup. Oh, and make the channel stick on Lifetime Movie Network and HGTV. He'll do damn near anything to make amends. And I'm spent. Peace.


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