Please, Stop The Madness
Published Tuesday, May 02, 2006 by Dark Damian | E-mail this post 
Immigration reform?
No. I'm not getting political today, though I have some strong opinions about this.
The war in Iraq?
Not this time.
The impending economic recession and the inflated gas prices?
Nah.
I'm going to make a list, and I want you to tell me what the items all have in common. Ready? Let's begin.
- Doom
- Silent Hill
- Resident Evil
- Street Fighter
- Super Mario Brothers
- Tomb Raider
- Wing Commander
- Mortal Kombat
Figured it out yet?
OK, here's the answer. These items all have 3 things in common:
- They are all video games.
- They are also all movies.
- The movies all suck.
Why? Why must Hollywood constantly bombard us with these cinematic versions of psoriasis? Listen, I understand the concept of making a buck. I'm quite fond of making bucks my damn self. But for the love of George Lucas, is it so difficult to make a quality film? (OK, bad example. Lucas hasn't exactly been hitting on all eight cylinders lately, but we can't forget about the Indiana Jones movies, "Willow", "American Graffiti", and of course, "Captain EO". ) The movie business is just about the only industry where someone can take an existing, successful product, refabricate it into a worse product, market it by the same name, and make MORE money than the original creator of that product. Legally! You think I could go to Mcdonalds, get them to sell me the partial rights to the Big Mac, take off the special sauce, put some 10/30 weight Castrol GTX on it, remove the bottom bun, wrap it up in a really nice wrapper, tell people that it's even more awesome than before, and make millions? Oh, and THEN take a picture of it, and sell THAT for millions (kinda like a DVD, you feel me)? Hells to the no.
Hey, Hollywood! Stop the nonsense. You think people want to see "Doom" just because The Rock is in it? Well...ok, you've got a point there. However, making "Wing Commander" and "Mortal Kombat" (2 movies!!) is unforgivable. You made me not like Christopher Lambert! I used to love him, back in the "Highlander" days, when I would run around saying "There can be only one!" in a raspy voice, holding a broomstick high up in the air like I was Lion-o from the Thundercats, waiting for lightning to stike it and give me all kinds of immortal-type powers. And now, all I see is Raiden, the non-Chinese Chinese mystical lightning-thrower who suspiciously sounds like the dude from "Highlander". You ruined it, Hollywood. I can't even play the damn game anymore. You are, however, forgiven for the "Tomb Raider" movies, since you had the good sense to put Angelina Jolie as the lead character. Mad props on that casting decision.
All in all, Holly (may I call you Holly? I feel like we're friends), in this hit-or-miss movie game, you should be put on a milk carton since you're missing so much. (Streeeeeeeeeeetch to make that pun sensible. C'mon, do it!) Give me quality movies, or so help me, I'll...I'll...
...I'll just play the game instead. Meh.
Peace.
