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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 2/8/06

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It’s Wednesday, meaning it’s time for Damian’s Deconstructive Diatribe, whereby I show you real news stories and then provide my always-unique commentary. My news stories all come from Bizarre News at, just so you don’t think I’m making this stuff up. My imagination, though very wild, can’t even begin to comprehend the true stuff I read. On with the show.

LONDON - It was love at first swim for Sharon Tendler when she met Cindy the dolphin 15 years ago in Eilat, Israel. Her love for him was so great, in fact, that she took the plunge and exchanged vows with Cindy in the waters of the groom's home. Tendler, wearing a white dress and her hair framed in a veil and pink flowers, got down on one knee to give her new husband a kiss and a piece of mackerel. After the ceremony, friends tossed the bride in the water so the newlyweds could be together. "I'm the happiest girl on earth," Tendler was cited as saying. "I made a dream come true and I'm not a pervert. I really do love this dolphin."

Wait for it…

Wait for it…



I wanted it to really sink in before starting my diatribe. The very first thing I’m going to mention is that the dolphin is male, and someone named him Cindy. Now, I’m not up on my Hebrew or on my Jewish traditions, but Cindy doesn’t sound like a man’s name in any language. I don’t remember any Cindies in the Bible. Maybe it’s in the New and Improved Testament (Now with more Riboflavin). But that’s a minor, minor point. This bitch married a DOLPHIN! She flew to Isreal, got her hair did, put on a dress, and married FLIPPER! What level of psychosis is this? And what kind of friends would actually attend this atrocity? The story says they threw her in so they couple could be together, but they’re bullshittin’. You know and I know good and damn well that they were trying to drown that heifer. The very fact that she had to say “I’m not a pervert” should’ve clued her in. I bet he just did it for the green card.

EDIT: Laurie sent me a pic of the blessed event. I have no words.

LONDON - Lonely hearts seeking something romantic for Valentine's Day may be in luck. Featuring the slogan "get calmer with a llama," a charity is offering country strolls for singles where they lead a llama together around the Lake District in northwestern England. "Chatting over a llama is certainly a novel way to meet people in a relaxed environment, and participants can enjoy a romantic picnic afterwards -carried by the ever obliging llamas in their backpacks," said owner Mary Walker. Walker assures folks that despite their bad reputation, llamas do not typically spit at or bite people but are in fact friendly and docile.

“Hi, Stephanie? It’s Milton…you know from work. No, not him, the shorter guy…yeah with the bald spot. How are you? Oh, OK, washing your hair. That’s fine. I do that too – then I wax my bald spot! HAHAHAHAHA….hahaha…ha…ok. So, Valentine’s Day is coming up, and while I was walking by your cubicle on one of my regular 15 minute Stephanie Sweeps – do you like that? ‘Stephanie Sweeps’? Sounds like a show on HGTV, doesn’t it? I love HGTV – oh, sorry. Yes. Well, while I was walking by, I eavesdropped and heard you say you didn’t have a date for the big V-day, and I had a really great idea. There’s this place, out by the lake, where you can go walking around. I mean, with my psoriasis, I shouldn’t be out in the sun too much, or expose my skin, but a lake walk would be pretty cool, and here’s the coolest part – are you ready? – you can walk with a LLAMA! A real, live llama, just like the ones on “The Emperor’s New Groove”. I LOVE that movie! And llamas. Oooooo, or like Carl from “Jimmy Neutron, Boy Genius”. He likes llamas, too. Llamas are awesome. I think it would be soooo…hello? Hello? Stephanie?

Dang it.”

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. - A man who fought flight attendants and bit a passenger in order to get off a taxiing plane in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., faced six criminal charges Tuesday. Troy Rigby, 28, of Pompano Beach, Fla., was aboard a New Jersey-bound Continental Airlines at the Fort Lauderdale-Hollywood International Airport Monday afternoon, when he suddenly snapped, the Miami Herald reported. Broward Sheriff Ken Jenne said it was unclear if Rigby suffered an anxiety attack, but said he ran toward the front of the plane, banging and kicking on the cockpit door, demanding to get off the plane. Crew and passengers tried to restrain him, and that's when passenger Paul Sigler was bitten on the hand. The pilot stopped the plane, and Rigby reportedly opened a door and jumped 10 feet to the tarmac. Deputies had to use a stun gun on him twice to stop him.

If I found out I was headed for New Jersey, I’d suddenly snap, too. I spent two summers in Jersey, and I’ll never get that time back. Troy Rigby, you’ve got a li’l Captain in you, don’t you?

See ya next time.



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