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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 1/4/2007

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Oh, it feels SO good to diatribe again! It's like I was missing something for the last couple of weeks...something vital, something sacred, something important. The need to talk shit proved to be strong in me, and it forced me to sit down and crank out what you people love so much. I used to wonder if eventually I'd run out of things to say about the stories I give you, but then I remembered: I write about people. Stupid people, mostly. Stupid people are in endless supply. My material basically writes itself. I'll be fine. Y'all ready to get this show on the road? Let's roll out, then. Pass the dutchie on the lefthand side. Let's 'tribe. -------------------- (From A man was retrieved from a vacant home early this morning in North Toledo after a section of a porch roof collapsed on him. The man, Marvin Dixon, 41, later died at St. Vincent Mercy Medical Center. Neighbors reported hearing the man scream and called authorities about 4:35 a.m. By the time the first crew got on scene, he was unconscious, authorities said. According to a Lucas County Coroner's report, Mr. Dixon was trying to steal iron supports from the home at 1127 Sherman St. at the time of the accident. Life Imitates Cartoons. There's a Darwin Award with Mr. Dixon's name already scrawled on it in Sharpie. How. Stupid. Who WOULDN'T KNOW that if you steal support beams, whatever they SUPPORT will then be UNSUPPORTED, and might, just might, fall on your fucking head? What was he gonna do, throw his head back and blow real hard to keep the roof aloft? And who the hell steals iron supports, from a house, at 4:30 in the damn morning? The gene pool thanks you, Mr. Dixon. You have saved us the cost of your trial, and the cost of keeping your dumb ass fed and housed for however many years you would've gotten. Let's face it, Mr. Dixon - you would've been caught, and you would've been convicted. Because you were stupid. I bet he saw that shit on "The Misadventures of Sheriff Lobo" or something, and thought he could be cool like that. WRONG! Say hi to the people who handle serpents in church for me. -------------------- TEMPE, Ariz. -- Dennis Green has joined a long list of failed coaches for the Arizona Cardinals. The franchise with one winning season in the past 22 years already is lining up candidates to be the next one to give it a shot. Mike Sherman is to be interviewed on Thursday, and five other NFL assistants were identified as potential hires. Green was fired on Monday, one day after the Cardinals concluded a 5-11 season with a 27-20 loss at San Diego. He finished with a 16-32 record at Arizona. The Cardinals will pay $2.5 million to buy out the final year of his contract. He was the seventh coach the Cardinals have had since the franchise moved to Arizona in 1988. The team has had one winning season since 1984, and Green was optimistic he was the man to turn things around. But his three teams in Arizona went 6-10, 5-11 and 5-11. "In the final analysis, when you look at the three years of wins and losses, we didn't win enough games," said Cardinals vice president and general counsel Michael Bidwill, son of owner Bill Bidwill. Wow, this really sucks. Denny Green is a pretty good coach, and it's just terrible that they only gave him three seasons to rectify a situation that took decades to create. No one could've won under those conditions, especially not in that short-ass time frame. Vince Lombardi couldn't've done it. It's patently unfair. No, I'm not gonna cry racism - I don't think it had anything to do with Green being black. I think, more than anything, it has to do with the fact that the owners are unrealistic idiots, looking for a savior. Well, I don't know who they'll hire - probably a trained lemur with an 0-2 record against rhesus monkeys - but I do have a very intriguing candidate: Laurie, from Beauty and the Beer. It's SUCH a logical choice. NFL players need discipline, because paying them millions of dollars just isn't enough to make them do things like come to practice, play hard in the games, and stay out of trouble with the law. Implant Laurie as coach (ha! Implant! I kill me.) and all that will stop, post haste. Late for a team meeting? Shank. Miss a tackle, drop a pass? Shank. Get arrested on suspicion of being stupid late at night and far from home? Shank, shank, shank. That bitch would have the limpingest, bleedingest team in pro sports, but they'd be on time to everything. She's also a perfect fit because she's a local girl, and could strike fear into inspire the community by using her unique blend of cursing, yelling, neck-punching, scissor-kicking, and eye-gouging to frighten rally support for her and the team. And they wouldn't have to worry about her leaving for another coaching job, 'cause no one else would have her. She'd be worse than Delta Burke on "1st and Ten" back in the day, back when Delta was hot, and before she changed her name to Delta Airlines. Her press conferences would be just one long-ass bleep, with the only listenable words being "Thank you for coming" and "Get out." She'd rename the team "The Silver Bullets", and the field would either be called Keystone Arena or Starbucks Stadium, instead of that dumb-ass University of Phoenix Field. Seriously, what pro team would (a) name their field after a college, and (b) name their field after a college WITHOUT AN ACTUAL CAMPUS? The Arizona Silver Bullets, that's who. Reporters wouldn't dare challenge her coaching, because whoever did would find a sharpened #2 pencil protruding from their left retina shortly thereafter. And my God, her radio call-in show would be the most popular in the history of ever. And it'd have to be on Sirius Satellite Radio, due to "graphic content, adult themes, violence, crude language, sexual content, and gratuitous use of the phrase 'fuck this sport'." Right her name in, folks. Lobby to get that Eddie Murphy mouth heffa installed as coach. She's a natural for the position (no, not THAT position. Jesus.). -------------------- ARTESIA, New Mexico - The Garcia family encountered a freak shooting accident on their annual fishing trip. Late one night, the family was walking along a trail when some of them decided it would be funny to sneak ahead, hide behind some bushes, and scare the others. Oh, they scared them all right. In fact, one relative was so frightened that he shot and wounded Felix Garcia, 36, three times before realizing who the culprit was. Felix was wounded in the stomach, hip, and thigh, but it wasn't life-threatening. Lt. Britt Snyder of the Sheriff's Department said, "The investigation is still ongoing to determine whether any charges will be filled. There doesn't appear to be any intent." Felix: "Hey, Hector! Shhhh! C'mere, ese. I'm funna do some funny shit in a minute, mang. Hector: "Yo mang, it's dark out here and shit. Don't be doing no stupid shit! You'll get your ass shot out here!" Felix: "This ain't Albuquerque, puto. Don't be a bitch. Don't nobody get shot out here. Check it, I'm funna scare Ricky." Hector: "Right now right now? 'Cause Ricky was pissed about not catching shit, mang. And he lost his bandana. I wouldn't fuck with him right now right now." Felix: "Ricky can besa mi culo. He owe me $4. I'm scaring his ass as a partial payment. Watch this shit." ---15 seconds later--- Felix: "BOOO!" Ricky: "BANG! BANG! BANG!" Hector: "I tol' you you was funna get shot out here. Who's a puto now, cholo?" Felix: "He...still...owes me...$4...the puto." Hector: "If you die, can I have your sister?" Peace.


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