Well!

(AP) MERRILLVILLE, Ind. - Instead of impressing "Honey Bunny" on Christmas morning with a 42-inch plasma television, "Big Papa" is facing a charge of theft. Richard Perez, 43, of Lake Station, was charged Monday with stealing the TV and a Sleep Number bedding system from a hotel where he worked as a security officer. Security video showed Perez walking into a room at the Radisson Hotel on Nov. 29 with an empty luggage cart, then leaving minutes later with a full cart covered with cloth, Merrillville police Detective Donald Toth said. Police said they searched Perez's Lake Station home Friday and found the Sleep Number system installed on Perez's bed and the TV underneath the tree, wrapped in green, Santa-themed paper. The attached card was addressed to "Mom, Honey Bunny from Big Papa, Daddy," Toth said. "I'm not sure if he's the Grinch or I'm the Grinch because I'm the one who took the items back," Toth said. Perez, who has been fired from his hotel job, was released Monday after posting a $10,000 surety bond. The Associated Press left a message seeking comment Tuesday for an R. Perez in Lake Station.

Awww, isn't that sweet? Big Papa wanted his Honey Bunny to have the best he could give her, not realizing that the best HE could give her was her keys back to the house. Stealing is bad. Stealing from your workplace is very bad. Stealing from your workplace in a manner so inept that the cops catch you in TWO DAYS is just stupid for stupidity's sake. It's obvious that Bill Gates here didn't have the funds to buy these things, so what in the hell was he gonna say to HER, when she got the gifts? "Hey, baby, I...ugh...see, what had HAPPENED was, there was this truck, right? This Best Buy truck. And it was also carrying bed shit, for some weird reason. So, see, this truck, right? This truck, it hit this big fire hydrant, and it just tipped over, and a TV and a Sleep Number system fell out. But then the truck flipped BACK over, right, and the driver just kept on rollin'. I tried to flag him down, but he wasn't lookin', prolly 'cause was so scared, so instead of letting these things go to waste, I thought you might like 'em. See, I was thinking about YOU." Now he's thinking about keeping his chimney closed at night, if you catch my drift. And you do.

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(Des Moines Register) A Des Moines man has been arrested and charged with assault for allegedly attacking a roommate with a hamster ball. Police were sent to 6500 S.W. Ninth St., about 5 a.m., today. When they arrived they found a shaken Kaleb Johnson, 20, in the hallway of the apartment building still talking on a phone to dispatchers. He told officers he was sleeping when his roommate attacked him. He said he tried to run but the roommate grabbed a hamster ball and hit him in the head with it. The roommate then took a curtain rod and hit him with it, then bit Johnson on the arm, leaving teeth marks. Johnson said he finally got away and called 911 Police arrested Chaz Adrian Denham, 19, on a charge of domestic assault with injury. He was taken to the Polk County Jail. Investigators took photographs of the injuries and a damaged curtain rod.

You know...I don't think I'd mention that I got beat down with a hamster ball. I'd keep the part about the biting, and there's no shame in getting smacked with a curtain rod - they make GREAT blunt instruments - but the hamster ball segment would be utterly missing, were it me. I'd make up anything. I'd say the fool hit me with a ball of ice. I'd say he cut off his on hand, hit me with the nub, then grew his hand back like a fucking lizard. I'd say he raised his hands and summoned down a meteorite, which he then ate after it cold-cocked me. I don't care HOW bad the injuries are; when you're a 20 year old man, and you've been hit with a rodent's exercise equipment, your boys are gonna clown you. Hard. "Damn, Kaleb, you OK? I mean, those hamsters can run pretty fast, huh? Guess you should be glad he didn't hit you in the ass with the ball, or we'd NEVER find little Skippy. Hey, I've got a gerbil and a tiny unicycle. Wanna get revenge?" Damn all that. I'd say it was bowling ball.

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