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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 12/20/2006

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Givin' it on up to Homelessville! Meh. I got nothin'. Let's diatribe. ----------- Washington D.C. - A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour. The amount of stupidity here is unquantifiable. How about another dumb criminal story, just to see if maybe I'll have something then? Los Angeles, California - Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" Dear lord. See why I need to open a school for criminals? I've got it all planned out. See, I'll open the O.J. Simpson School of Criminal Tactics (OJSSCT), where I'll train the modern criminal on the hottest topics, like "A To Z: How To Follow A Plan All The Way To Completion", "Last Call: Don't Drink and Crime", "Never Use The Chimney and Other Insertion Techniques", and "Shut Your Piehole: How NOT To Talk About Your Crimes To Others". Criminals will enroll, pay their fee, then learn how to be smarter about their crimes. But that's not all, folks. See, I don't want all these newly-empowered felons out there jacking MY shit, so I'll sell my enrollment list to the local police department in each city my franchise supports. (You didn't think I would think small, did you? Please. I'm trying to get PAID. I roll fierce.) Then, when THOSE criminals get out of jail, I'll offer them my Advanced Degree courses, telling them that the cops are smart, too. Oh, I'll be rich. RICH, I SAY! GLENWOOD SPRINGS (AP) - A 32-year-old female teacher from the suburban Denver city of Parker has been arrested and accused of a sexual relationship with a male high school student on a trip to Glenwood Springs in western Colorado. Authorities say Darcie Esson is accused of felony sexual assault on a child by a person in a position of trust. According to investigators, Esson was a teacher at Elizabeth High School south of Denver last month when she accompanied the school's football team for a playoff game against a team from the town of Rifle. The group stayed in Glenwood Springs. Man, what is in the water in Colorado? I haven't posted a lot of 'em, but I see a crazy-ass Colorado story at LEAST once a week, usually in Denver. Is it the snow? The elevation? Is Allen Iverson the cause of all this ruckus? Teachers knocking boots with students is so passe now that I'm gonna retire this entire diatribe topic after this story. You'd think the teachers would know not to bump uglies with their kids by now, but hey...their kids have the best weed. What can you do? The thing that pisses me off is how hot (by comparison) the teachers are nowadays. In my high school, there was only one teacher even REMOTELY do-able, and even SHE was a stretch, you know, if it was late, and she was driving topless in her RX-7, and told me that I'd get that A in Honors English if I'd let her 'work on my diction'...well, let's just say, I'd get that A, but I wouldn't tell a SOUL how I did it.

LONDON (Reuters) - A devout Christian who said an accident at work boosted his libido and wrecked his marriage as he turned to prostitutes and pornography was awarded more than 3 million pounds in damages on Tuesday. Stephen Tame, 29, from Suffolk, suffered severe head injuries in a fall, transforming him from a loyal newlywed into a "disinhibited" character who had two affairs. He was in a coma for two months after falling from a gantry while working at a bicycle warehouse shortly after his marriage in January 2002. Doctors said it was a miracle he survived. Awarding him 3.1 million pounds in compensation at London's High Court, Judge Michael Harris said: "His life and the life of his young wife were shattered". His former employer, Professional Cycle Marketing, of Essex, had argued through their lawyers that his injuries were not as bad as suggested in court.

And thousands of men in London lined up to fall on their heads. You gotta feel bad for this guy - sorta. I know. This isn't the type of injury that a guy gets a TON of sympathy for, no matter the actual severity. This is a Snickers injury, meaning that people hear what happened, and initially they say "Awwww, man....", but then they start giggling. And to add irony to insult and injury, the guy's last name is Tame. Female Visitor: "Oh, Stephen, you poor thing! What happened?" Stephen: "Well, I was working, and I just fell, and next thing I knew it was a couple of months later." Visitor: "My gosh, that's so - hey, what're you doing there, sport?" Stephen: "You're SO hot. Do you even know how smokin' hot you are?" Visitor: "I'm 62, Stephen." Stephen: "But a HOT 62." Visitor: "And I'm your grandmother." Stephen: "But you're a HOT - wait, that's really, really wrong, isn't it?" Visitor: "Keep talking, big boy." Stephen: "I'm cured. NURSE!" Peace.


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