OK - Laurie and I are engaged. Yeah. Engaged. Engaged in a heated, trash-talking, name-calling, momma-insulting wager on the outcome of the Dallas Mavericks / Phoenix Suns Western Conference Finals playoff. As a diehard Mavs fan, I'm certain that my team will prevail. As a dedicated Suns fan, Laurie visits triplewides and has debates over the merits of Bud Light versus Keystone Light. The loser of the bet has to write a glowing, fawning, ass-kissing, back-rubbing, totally geeked out lovefest of a blog post about the winner, including discussing the merits of the winning team. Yeah. It's spelled M-A-V-E-R-I-C-K-S, Laurie. Get it right, get it tight. On with the D3. -------------------- ORLANDO, Fla. - A high school gym teacher is out of a job now after creating an outlandish scene outside of a bar over the weekend. David McCann stood in front of the bar, shirt unbuttoned, yelling to passers-by that he was Luke Skywalker. Officers tried to handcuff and restrain him, but McCann wildly swung his fists and repeatedly attacked them even after they struck him with a baton. "He continued to attack with super human strength and made no attempt to escape," according to a police report. Two responding officers had to strike McCann three times with a Taser and hit him a few more times with the baton before he was finally subdued. McCann was arrested and relieved of his duties at the Orange County School District. Drunk doesn't do this. Drunk makes you slur your words, forget how to walk, make promises you cannot possibly keep, take home people you wouldn't normally even acknowledge on the street, and misplace your morals. Drunk doesn't make you Luke Skywalker. I'm no expert in psychiatry or mental illness, but I think it's pretty safe to provide this astute observation: he's crazier than Tom Cruise at a Courtney Love pool party. Sane people don't fight the po-po after they've been hit by a baton. Sane people don't require THREE zaps from a taser to be subdued. Why Luke Skywalker, though? Things like this make me want to take a 3 hour cruise into the mind of a nutcase. Which misfiring synapses make you think you're the wimpiest Jedi of all? I think homeboy needs to expand his DVD collection. If you're gonna hallucinate yourself into a movie character, pick one with more balls than Luke "My Daddy's Darth Vader" Skywalker. Pick Shaft. Pick the guy from "The Transporter". Pick Christian Bale from "Batman Begins". Pick Vincent D'Onofrio. (er, scratch that. He already seems like a nutbag.) And for God's sake, button your damn shirt. You look like a Fabio School of Modeling drop-out. --------------- CANTON, N.Y. - If you're going to break into a funeral home, it's not a smart idea to take a nap in a coffin. Joel Fish was busted and charged with burglary when he was found passed out in a coffin at the O'Leary Funeral Home in Canton. Debra White, the wife of the home's funeral director, Joe White, saw a broken window and the door to the casket display room left open. When she went to investigate, she noticed a boot and pants on the floor and a pair of knees sticking out of a coffin. Fish was arraigned and released to return to court at a later date. Police said he was intoxicated during the break-in. Once again, alcohol plays a role in dumb decision-making. First of all, who breaks into a funeral home? At night? "Funeral home at night" is on my long list of "Places I Never Want to Be", and that list includes:

• Prison
• Mom's house for more than 5 days
• Compton
• The set of HBO's "Oz"
• Borneo
• Anywhere there are snakes
• The Sahara Desert
• Starbucks
• Downtown Dallas at night
• Razorblade factory during an earthquake
• CP's house when all hell breaks loose
• A dirty cruise ship filled with rubella and dirty sheets
• Outside, in Texas, in July, at 4pm on any day
• Outside, in Texas, in August, at 4pm on any day
• Outside, in Arizona, on any day of the year, at any time
• A triple-wide trailer