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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 2/23/2006

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Hello, all. Now, I know I promised to have this up yesterday, but I didn't. Tough noogies. I do have it today, though, so enjoy it now. Also check out Ask A Ninja. I couldn't stop laughing. On with the news! ---------------- MOSS BLUFF, Fla. - A Florida man would apparently kill to get some toilet paper in his home. Franklin Paul Crow has been accused of beating his roommate Kenneth Matthews to death with a sledgehammer and a claw hammer because there was no toilet paper in their home. Crow told authorities the men were fighting about toilet paper when Matthews pulled out a rifle. This was when Crow started beating Matthews with the hammers. Matthews was beaten so badly he had to be identified by his fingerprints, detectives said. Crow has been charged with homicide. Hoe. Lee. Shit. This dude got killed...over toilet paper? And this other fool's gonna spend the majority of the remainder of his life in jail for killing a man...over toilet fucking paper?!?!?! There's stupid crimes, there's REALLY stupid crimes, and there's shit like this that belongs in its own category. There is one benefit to this, though: when this guy gets to prison, he's gonna be the baddest, illest mofo on the whole cell block. Think about it: Inmate #1: "Hey, bitch! Welcome to Oz. Before we rape you, tell us what you're in for." Crow: "Murder 1." Inmate #1: "Be more specific, punk. We ALL did that shit. Who you kilt?" Crow: "I killed my roommate because we ran out of toilet paper." Inmate #1: "...." Inmate #1: "So, uh, which bunk do you want? 'Cause, you know, you can have whichever. Shall I toss your salad?" ----------------------- REDDING, Calif. - Age is apparently just a number for a 62-year-old woman who gave birth to a baby boy last week. With the birth of her 12th child on Friday, Janise Wulf has become one of the oldest women in the world to bear a healthy child. Wulf is also a grandmother of 20 and a great-grandmother of three. Although there were earlier concerns about the mother's health, the delivery went smoothly. Wulf and her third husband, Scott, named the boy Adam Charles Wulf. He is just 3 1/2 years younger than his brother, Ian. "I hate to raise one alone, without a sibling," said Wulf, who was impregnated both times through in vitro fertilization. OK, I have a real beef with this. In my opinion, having a child at 62 is one of the most selfish, self-gratifying, inconsiderate things you can do to a child. I mean, we're not talking about a woman who was unable to conceive, and finally broke through - the bitch has 12 kids total! What the hell where they thinking? And on top of that, this wasn't her first IVF baby. There's a 3 1/2 year old too, who won't have a mother when he's 30. I'm 34 with a 6YO and a 3YO, and I have a hard enough time relating to them, with so many different cultural influences. At 62, how can she relate? She doesn't watch "Blue's Clues". The only clues she knows about are the ones on "Murder, She Wrote". When she's 75 and dealing with teenagers, what's she gonna say to them? "Well, Ward and June Cleaver would never approve of that." This is a case of a person saying "I want a baby, damn the consequences." She could've died. Then who'd be the mother of her other 11 kids? As it is, these 2 kids will basically be leasing their mom from God, since He'll be coming around to reposses her in a very short period of time. Some of you may disagree (and I encourage healthy debate, so go ahead), but to me, this is just pure, unadulterated selfishness, and greed. Put a penny in the UNICEF jar if you like kids so much. If she wanted another child, she could've adopted. Or become a foster parent. God knows those kids need mothers, too. Asshole. --------------------------- LOS ANGELES - It's bad enough that 16-year-old Melissa Huff lost her leg in an accident and has to wear prosthetic limbs. It's even worse that the limbs were stolen from her for the second time in three months! Huff, who uses a $16,000 prosthetic limb to play softball, and another one, valued at $12,000, for everyday use, said both were taken from her bedroom on Tuesday. Her mother Lisa Huff came home on Tuesday and found the room that Melissa shares with her sister a mess. Only the artificial legs were gone. In November, thieves broke into the Huff residence and took just her prosthetic limb. After that incident, Melissa's prosthetist and a local real estate company donated about $16,000 for a new limb. Police are on the hunt to find information on the missing limbs. April, give this girl her leg back. Damn. Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I don't make this shit up.


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