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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 10/4/2006

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So yesterday, I went out to lunch with a coworker at a local burger place to talk about some bidness. As we were standing in line, I had the vague feeling that I'd seen the woman at the register somewhere before, but since I work in the area, I just figured it was that. When we got to the th register to make our order, I noticed that the t-shirt she was wearing looked familiar, but I just couldn't place it at first. Then, like a sack of cats, it struck me. She was wearing MY BAND'S t-shirt! I freaked out. I mean, Dallas is a big town, folks. Even if you estimate that maybe 1000 total people have seen us play, there's still a very slim chance of running into someone in a metro area of over 3 million. She said she'd come to our show a couple of weeks ago (I didn't really remember her on account of the 3 beers, 2 jello shots, and 1 shot of Crown and schnaaps I had consumed), and that she really loved us and couldn't wait 'til the next show. And she gave us a discount. I was slightly embarrassed with my coworker there to witness this, but I was also pretty pleased. I guess this means we're coming up. On with the 'tribe! ----------- (from Bizarre News) LACONIA, N.H. - Linda Masse was obviously upset when her husband told her he wanted to leave her. She grabbed an ax and charged at her husband, chasing him around the house. Although the ax is a collector's item used for display, investigators say it has a sharp blade that can cause injury or death. Not surprisingly, the couple had been drinking prior to the incident, and they started arguing about their marriage. That's when he told Masse that he wanted to leave her. While chasing him with an ax, Masse destroyed several things in the house. Her husband escaped to a neighbor's home, where he locked the door and called the cops. Masse defended herself in court, saying that the ax was a toy. Never have a real argument about real issues when you're drunk, because you will probably say some unbelievable, outlandish, otherworldly horrendous shit that you can't take back, and the other person just might have a weapon handy. How pissed do you have to be to grab an AX? This was a bad recipe from the get-go. 1 doofus husband 1 volatile wife 1 case of beer 3 lbs. of boredom 1 ax (sharpened) 1 really ill-advised conversation Add beer to husband and wife in a meduim house. Mix well until husband and wife are completely saturated. You'll know it's enough when either husband or wife says something like "You know what I really don't like about you?" in a slurring voice. Add the ill-advised conversation after beer is completely soaked in. Add heat. Once the conversation is boiling, throw in the ax and get the hell out of the way. Remove husband to neighbor's house, and place wife in local holding cell until chilled. Serves 4. ------------- (from Bizarre News) SOFIA - Who knew that silicone breast implants could also serve as airbags? Well, they did for a 24-year-old woman who survived a car crash because her implants were there to protect her. The woman had run a red light and crashed into another vehicle in the middle of town Saturday. "The two cars were crumpled past recognition in the crash but the woman's silicone breasts acted as airbags and saved her life," the daily Standart wrote, citing eyewitness reports. However, although the woman's life was saved, her breasts did not fare so well. The silicone implants burst while in the crash. Guess survival comes at a price. This is the second time that implant have saved some fortunate woman's life. Y'all remember the Israeli woman whose boobs stopped shrapnel, right? Of course you do. This time, breasts played an even bigger role, sacrificing themselves in order to protect their precious owner. I'll ask you, ladies - would your REAL boobs be this selfless? You think your B cups would stop a bullet for you? Think your small Cs would reach out and give up themselves in a car crash? Do you think your natural Ds would defend you against a mugger? I think not. I said it before and I'll say it again: implants are your friends. Don't deny them a happy home, not when they can do so very much for you. I didn't always like fake boobs. I thought the y were vain and aloof, but I gotta tell you...I'm a believer now. All hail the power of silicone beneath the chest muscle! (Gotta be beneath the muscle. The over-the-muscle kind look like beach balls superglued to a Twizzler.) This woman's breasts should be given the Purple Heart. ------------- (from Bizarre News) ST ALBANS, Hertfordshire - A smirking exhibitionist got more than he bargained for when he tried approaching an unsuspecting target in the park. As he neared medical secretary Jacqui Jones and her German Shepherd named Tara, the dog defended its owner and attacked the man. He bit the flasher in the genitals, and the shocked perpetrator fled the scene. Jones told the local newspaper, "I could see the man was in a state of excitement but Tara wiped the smile off his face. He hobbled away doubled up in agony." It's too bad no one had a camera to capture this wonderful Kodak moment. Don't you think a 6ft by 6ft picture of a dog biting a man square in the babymaker would be an excellent deterrent for anyone considering flashing people? If they placed them around every public park or school, I'll betcha THAT particular crime's statistics would drop like Nicole Ritchie's dress size. I understand that flashing is often a sexual compulsion not driven by logic, but seriously - she had a dog RIGHT THERE next to her. And no punk-ass punt dog, either. (A "punt dog" is a tiny little yapping-ass dog that, if you were so inclined, you could punt like a football into the stratosphere with little to no effort.) German Shephards are fiercely protective and loyal, and something in Flashy McEunuch 's feeble brain should've sounded a loud-ass alarm in his head as he began opening his coat or whatever. "Hey, Slappy - that chick's got a big dog with her. Abort. Abort. Abo...oh, fuck it. I'll go 'head and call 911." As for the dog? She was quoted as saying, "I've seen bigger." Peace.


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