Almost Infamous - Views from a Black Intelligentleman

Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 7/26/2006

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I had this whole post all neatly typed up. It was spelled-checked. It was hyperlinked. All I had to do was add the textual color shift I use to differentiate the stories from my commentary, and I was done. So what does Blogger do? It did what Blogger does best. It bent me over and, sans lube, explored my body in a way I'd rather not repeat. I had such good stuff, y'all. I was on a roll. I don't know if I've ever explained how I go about writing, but it's very organic. I can't just sit down and say to myself "It's time to write now." That never works, and I end up just staring at the screen until my rampant ADD kicks in. No, writing for me is like a flow. I write when I feel it, and when I feel it, do NOT interrupt me - I'm in the zone. I was in the zone, folks. I was feelin' it. Now, I got nothing. I talked about my band Nonetheless, and what a great show we had, and how the woman who owns the magazine who came out to review us, gave us a call today to tell us that we're gonna like the write up. I talked about ALL that, and's gone. Poof. Finito. Ghost. Swayze. Dammit. Here's the diatribe. -------------------------- GREENCASTLE, Ind. - Residents of the town of Greencastle, Ind., are baffled by a mysterious spate of thefts of the letter "R" from business and road signs. No other letter-pilfering has been reported in the town, west of Indianapolis, but at least 24 incidents have been reported, said WTHR-TV, Indianapolis. In one triple-theft, a government sign ended up reading: "Indiana Amy, National Guad, Defendes Of Feedom." Other business owners aren't taking it lightly, complaining in some cases, they have to pay $3 to replace each missing R,and do it during a nationwide heat wave, the report said. The local newspaper has issued an appeal for at least an explanation about the missing Rs, headlining this week's edition with: "R you serious?" Police went on to say that they brought in the entire cast of Sesame Street for questioning. They were all later released, with the exception of Snuffleupagus, who, according to police spokesperson Lou Dekruss, was "acting like a damn crackhead". After obtaining probable cause for a search warrant, police searched the 2 ton, big-eyed wooly mammoth, discovering 16 vials of crack cocaine, a kilo of unrefined cocaine, a half kilo of heroin, 2 pounds of marijuana, a bottle containing 1000 extasy pills, 4 sheets of LSD, and a half-eaten Hershey bar. Shuffie's lawyer, The Count, couldn't be reached for comment. Now, this doesn't explain what happened to all the damn Rs, but I have a theory. What group of people needs Rs the most? Pirates. They say "Rrrrrrrrr" all the time. You know any pirates? I do. Just saying. Pirate Edit: You know, as I think about it, I make a MUCH better pirate than that chick I linked above. Check me. I am SO pirate. To the BONE! ------------------------------- FARMINGTON HILLS, Mich. - A man's idea of a joke wasn't so funny to authorities - nor the victim of the prank. James R. Mell, 31, placed a pet 6-foot boa constrictor in his mailbox to scare a mail carrier, and now the prankster could face jail time. "I thought it was funny. Looking back on it, it isn't, and it wasn't," Mell said. Mell was charged with obstructing the delivery of U.S. mail, which carries a penalty of up to six months in prison. Postal carrier Nakeema Anderson was the victim of Mell's prank when she opened the mailbox and found the snake inside. Mell later wrote a letter of apology to Anderson and said he hoped that would settle the matter. This....was funny? To put a 6 foot snake in your mailbox so your mail carrier would get scared? Let's analyze why this idea sucks so much, shall we?

  • Snakes aren't funny, period. No one gets scared by a snake, then smiles, and says "Oh shit, man, you really GOT me that time! Nice one!" No. Seeing a snake where you don't expect to see a snake is a perfectly reasonable excuse to beat the living shit outta someone. You know that movie "Snakes on a Plane" with Samuel L. Jackson, where there's...well, the title kinda says it all. Lemme tell you something: if there's snakes on a plane that I'M on, I will learn how to fly. Without assistance. With the quickness.
  • These people bring you your mail. Do you know how easy it is for them to fuck with you if you fuck with them? Waiting on a check from someone? Keep waiting, muhfucka. Expecting a package? You don't mind if it's soaking wet and smells like fresh feline piss, do you?
  • Postal workers, as a group, aren't known for their sense of humor. In fact, they're known to pop a cap in your ass when they get stressed. It's true that they generally keep the violence in the family and all, but I'll tell ya, the allure of riding down the street, AK-47 in hand, spraying the houses of people you don't like must be pretty damn strong for people who have those tendencies.
  • 6 foot python + 1 foot mailbox + 1 hot-ass sun = 1 VERY pissed off snake.
He better be glad Nakeema didn't beat his ass WITH the snake. Don't mess with a black woman. He's 31 years old. He should know better. Douchebag. ------------------------------ INDEPENDENCE, Mo. — Different explanations for how a cell phone became lodged in a woman's throat were offered as the trial of the woman's boyfriend got under way in this Kansas City suburb. Jackson County prosecutors said Tuesday that Marlon Brando Gill, 24, of Kansas City, shoved the phone down Melinda Abell's throat in December because he was angry and jealous. But defense attorneys insisted the 25-year-old victim swallowed the phone intentionally to prevent Gill from seeing whom she had been calling. Gill is charged with first-degree assault, a felony, in a case that garnered widespread publicity as police tried to sort out what happened. Abell herself has offered inconsistent accounts of what happened before she was transported to a Kansas City hospital, where an emergency room doctor used a tool called a "pincher" to remove the phone. She testified Tuesday that she couldn't remember how the phone got in her throat, saying she drank too much that night. Abell wrote in a statement to police after the incident: "I think he thought I'd been talking to other guys. ...He took my phone to see who I had been calling. ... If I didn't want him to see my phone, I would have just thrown it out the window and busted it." How mad do you have to be to physically shove a cell phone down your woman's throat? This shit isn't even funny - it's just ridiculous. Perhaps it's because I'm simply not a violent person, but I cannot fathom being so blindingly angry that I would do something as utterly reprehensible as that. And then, adding insult to injury, he's claiming that she tried to swallow it to keep him from seeing it. She makes an excellent point at the end there - why swallow it, when you could simply smash it? Or break it with your hands? Or crush it under your feet? I mean, maybe she's mean in the sack, and he was just showing off her deep throat skills to his man Paco on the phone by shoving it down her throat so he could hear her doing it. Hell, maybe just before that, she swallowed a hamster, and the evil boyfriend thoughtfully dialed "9-1" and was shoving the phone down so the hamster could punch "1" again and get EMTs to the house for the critter. I hope he goes straight to prison, where he'll get an intimate dose of his own medicine. Those phones HE'LL be swallowing will be a little big bigger, I think. Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News and News Of The Weird. This week.


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