I had this whole post all neatly typed up. It was spelled-checked. It was hyperlinked. All I had to do was add the textual color shift I use to differentiate the stories from my commentary, and I was done. So what does Blogger do? It did what Blogger does best. It bent me over and, sans lube, explored my body in a way I'd rather not repeat. I had such good stuff, y'all. I was on a roll. I don't know if I've ever explained how I go about writing, but it's very organic. I can't just sit down and say to myself "It's time to write now." That never works, and I end up just staring at the screen until my rampant ADD kicks in. No, writing for me is like a flow. I write when I feel it, and when I feel it, do NOT interrupt me - I'm in the zone. I was in the zone, folks. I was feelin' it. Now, I got nothing. I talked about my band Nonetheless, and what a great show we had, and how the woman who owns the magazine who came out to review us, gave us a call today to tell us that we're gonna like the write up. I talked about ALL that, and now...it's gone. Poof. Finito. Ghost. Swayze. Dammit. Here's the diatribe. -------------------------- GREENCASTLE, Ind. - Residents of the town of Greencastle, Ind., are baffled by a mysterious spate of thefts of the letter "R" from business and road signs. No other letter-pilfering has been reported in the town, west of Indianapolis, but at least 24 incidents have been reported, said WTHR-TV, Indianapolis. In one triple-theft, a government sign ended up reading: "Indiana Amy, National Guad, Defendes Of Feedom." Other business owners aren't taking it lightly, complaining in some cases, they have to pay $3 to replace each missing R,and do it during a nationwide heat wave, the report said. The local newspaper has issued an appeal for at least an explanation about the missing Rs, headlining this week's edition with: "R you serious?" Police went on to say that they brought in the entire cast of Sesame Street for questioning. They were all later released, with the exception of Snuffleupagus, who, according to police spokesperson Lou Dekruss, was "acting like a damn crackhead". After obtaining probable cause for a search warrant, police searched the 2 ton, big-eyed wooly mammoth, discovering 16 vials of crack cocaine, a kilo of unrefined cocaine, a half kilo of heroin, 2 pounds of marijuana, a bottle containing 1000 extasy pills, 4 sheets of LSD, and a half-eaten Hershey bar. Shuffie's lawyer, The Count, couldn't be reached for comment. Now, this doesn't explain what happened to all the damn Rs, but I have a theory. What group of people needs Rs the most? Pirates. They say "Rrrrrrrrr" all the time. You know any pirates? I do. Just saying. Pirate Edit: You know, as I think about it, I make a MUCH better pirate than that chick I linked above. Check me. I am SO pirate. To the BONE! ------------------------------- FARMINGTON HILLS, Mich. - A man's idea of a joke wasn't so funny to authorities - nor the victim of the prank. James R. Mell, 31, placed a pet 6-foot boa constrictor in his mailbox to scare a mail carrier, and now the prankster could face jail time. "I thought it was funny. Looking back on it, it isn't, and it wasn't," Mell said. Mell was charged with obstructing the delivery of U.S. mail, which carries a penalty of up to six months in prison. Postal carrier Nakeema Anderson was the victim of Mell's prank when she opened the mailbox and found the snake inside. Mell later wrote a letter of apology to Anderson and said he hoped that would settle the matter. This....was funny? To put a 6 foot snake in your mailbox so your mail carrier would get scared? Let's analyze why this idea sucks so much, shall we?

• Snakes aren't funny, period. No one gets scared by a snake, then smiles, and says "Oh shit, man, you really GOT me that time! Nice one!" No. Seeing a snake where you don't expect to see a snake is a perfectly reasonable excuse to beat the living shit outta someone. You know that movie "Snakes on a Plane" with Samuel L. Jackson, where there's...well, the title kinda says it all. Lemme tell you something: if there's snakes on a plane that I'M on, I will learn how to fly. Without assistance. With the quickness.
• These people bring you your mail. Do you know how easy it is for them to fuck with you if you fuck with them? Waiting on a check from someone? Keep waiting, muhfucka. Expecting a package? You don't mind if it's soaking wet and smells like fresh feline piss, do you?
• Postal workers, as a group, aren't known for their sense of humor. In fact, they're known to pop a cap in your ass when they get stressed. It's true that they generally keep the violence in the family and all, but I'll tell ya, the allure of riding down the street, AK-47 in hand, spraying the houses of people you don't like must be pretty damn strong for people who have those tendencies.
• 6 foot python + 1 foot mailbox + 1 hot-ass sun = 1 VERY pissed off snake.