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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 7/12/2006

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Once again, I skipped a Diatribe. I was yet again busy last week, but I gotta tell ya - these 'tribes ain't easy to produce, week in and week out. I had already done one on Fyrchk's blog, and I just couldn't think of anything remotely funny to slap onto stuff for my own post. Sorry. Deal. As I did before, I'll give you an extra helping of 'tribe this week to make up for the loss you surely felt. Enjoy, bishes! ---------------------- MULTAN, Pakistan (Reuters) - Fateh Mohammad, a prison inmate in Pakistan, says he woke up last weekend with a glass lightbulb in his anus. Wednesday night, doctors brought Mohammad's misery to an end after a one-and-a-half hour operation to remove the object. "Thanks Allah, now I feel comfort. Today, I had my breakfast. I was just drinking water, nothing else," Mohammad, a grey-beared man in his mid-40s, told Reuters from a hospital bed in the southern central city of Multan. "We had to take it out intact," said Dr. Farrukh Aftab at Nishtar Hospital. "Had it been broken inside, it would be a very very complicated situation." Mohammad, who is serving a four-year sentence for making liquor, prohibited for Muslims, said he was shocked when he was first told the cause of his discomfort. He swears he didn't know the bulb was there. "When I woke up I felt a pain in my lower abdomen, but later in hospital, they told me this," Mohammad said. "I don't know who did this to me. Police or other prisoners." The doctor treating Mohammad said he'd never encountered anything like it before, and doubted the felon's story that someone had drugged him and inserted the bulb while he was comatose. ...Um...I mean...I'm no doctor, I'm not a psychiatrist, and I'm not a prison warden, seems to me that the act of having a fucking LIGHT BULB pushed into your ass like an electrical Flintstone push-up popsicle would surely wake someone up from slumber. Then again, if prison is really like the HBO show "Oz", maybe he wouldn't notice it, on account of the fact that he put WD-40 on the hinges of the swinging doors he installed on his ass. Actually, I didn't consider this alternative: maybe he swallowed a light bulb seed, and it grew inside him. Yeah. That's what happened. Hey, Fateh! Quit putting light bulbs in your ass, idiot. Where the hell did you even GET a light bulb in prison? Did you bend over in front of your cellmates so they could read the Koran after lights-out? Or was it more like a porch light for your butt buddies? I'm switching to flourescents. -------------------------- PRINCETON, W.Va. - It wasn't the Princeton's police department's finest hour when two of their officers followed a man right over the edge of a cliff. The 30-year-old suspect fell over a cliff near the West Virginia Turnpike Thursday while running from police. An officer chasing the man couldn't stop himself before tumbling over the cliff after him, and a second officer jumped off the cliff and landed in a tree. The unidentified suspect suffered serious injuries, according to Princeton Police Chief W.L. Harman. Sgt. W.E. Rose, whose fall was broken by a tree, came away with some scratches and bruises. His partner, Sgt. C.T. Lowe, was not injured. The town is called Princeton, but obviously, higher learning is in short supply there. I think the first clue to stop running would be when the suspect SUDDENLY DROPPED AS THOUGH HE FELL OFF A CLIFF. For me, that would've been a Las Vegas-sized blinking neon sign that something was amiss. Despite all that, I get why the suspect fell; he didn't know the cliff was there. And I can sorta see why Officer #1 fell; he was on the guy's heels, and just couldn't know that something like that was about to happen. But Officer #2? He JUMPED!! Did you notice that all the cops' first names are initials, instead of real names like Cletus or Clovis? Using deft detective work (and Google), I've figured out what the initials stand for.

  • W.L.: Weak Leader. He's the police chief.
  • W.E.: Waving Earnestly, like stupid people do from their front porches when trains go by.
  • C.T.: Criminally Terrible, an assessment of his policing ability. His brother is Criminally Stupid.
-------------------------- LOS ANGELES - American minister Darryl R. Peebles was surprised when he typed his name into an Internet search engine and discovered another Daryl R. Peebles living in Australia. However, after the minister contacted the Daryl Peebles in Australia, they learned that they shared more than just a name. The two were both born in the same year - 1949, both had three children with a child born in 1975 and in 1977, and both had fathers from small towns who worked on lathes of some kind. The two men e-mailed back and forth for over a year before finally meeting last weekend in North Carolina where the American Peebles serves as minister. "It is as through we have known each other forever. Our minds and our personalities are so much alike. It's as if we were brothers," the minister Peebles said. I think Mr. Lathe Working Daddy took a "business trip" to Aussieland, sans wife, back in 1949, to check out the "down under". Just sayin'. --------------------------- TUCSON - An adjunct psychology lecturer took a joke too far when she told a conservative blogger that she wouldn't 'give a damn' if his son was killed in the same manner as JonBenet Ramsey. Deborah Frisch has resigned from her part-time position at the University of Arizona and says she regrets the school ended up in the middle of what was supposed to be a "sick joke." Frisch had been trading barbs on Jeff Goldstein's online blog when she wrote, "You live in Colorado, I see. Hope no one JonBenets your baby" and "I reiterate: If some nutcase kidnapped your child tomorrow and did to (him) what was done to your fellow Coloradan, JonBenet Ramsey, I wouldn't give a damn." Frisch now regrets what she posted and hopes that Goldstein's son never finds out about it. Wow. Tucson seems like a fucked-up town. I mean...surely it's the city itself that's the cause of such incredible insensitivity, infesting its residents with a high level of rampant craziness. Still, though - this was a tasteless joke, even by Tucsonian standards. Tucsonian. Is that a word? Sounds more like an alien race. I almost took a job in Tucson, back in January when I was unemployed, but the offer letter burst into flames on its way to Dallas, forcing me to work at Chinaland. Anyway, enough about that steaming bowl of fresh heat - this professor seems like my kinda people, although she needs to learn when to reel it in on a joke. Like right now. --------------------------- HANOI, Vietnam - After years of mockery, a teenager will finally be able to change his name. His father agreed to change the boy's name from "Fined Six Thousand and Five Hundred," which was what he had to pay in local currency for breaking Vietnam's two-child law. Mai Xuan Can was fined for having a fifth child, so he named his son Mai Phat Sau Nghin which translates into the amount he was forced to fork over - 6,500 dong (50 cents). The name change comes years after government officials first tried to persuade Can to give his son a new name because he was being teased at school. The son, now 19, finally got a new name: Mai Hoang Long, which means golden dragon. I hear he has a new little sister named Tua Phe Xin Lan, which means "This Little Heffa Don't Even Look Like Me, You Lyin' Ass Hoe". Her nickname will, of course, be "Heffa". I'm glad the kid got a new name. And did you see the name? Mai Hoang Long? That is CLASSIC. Somewhere in West Hollywood, Long Duk Dong from "Sixteen Candles" has just stopped blowing his dealer for a gram of cocaine, looked to the sky, and smiled. -------------------------- SYRACUSE, New York - A male employee at a social services office in New York must have been tired of fetching coffee for his co-workers. He allegedly masturbated into his colleagues' coffee cups and is subsequently facing public lewdness charges. The alleged victims are experiencing a range of emotions and have been offered counseling and medical tests. According to Sergeant John D'Eredita, investigations will continue, but the man has been charged with three counts of second-degree harassment, three counts of criminal nuisance and three counts of public lewdness. More cream in your coffee? I drink tea for this very reason: in a white styrofoam cup, you can see right through it. Either this guy was Mr. Jackrabbit Nutbuster, or some coworker was drinking baby juice for a couple of days before saying something to someone else. Probably a guy, not being familiar with it. Male Coworker: "Hey Jack, what kind of coffee is this, anyway? It tastes funny." Jack: "Uh, it's hazelnut. Yeah. Hazelnut. Heh." Male Coworker: "Oh, OK. Tastes kinda funky." Jack: "It's organic. Very organic." Male Coworker: "That means it's healthy, right? Gimme another cup." Female Coworker: "This tastes familiar. I can't place it, but it's right on the tip of my tongue." I kill me. EDIT: I just recently got this story from Laurie, and I HAD to put it in. Had to. You'll see why. Look. -------------- PITTSBURGH (AP) - An 80-year-old man acknowledged Wednesday that he dealt drugs at his house in return for sex with prostitutes. Felix Cocco of Pittsburgh pleaded guilty to charges of possession of a controlled substance, possession with intent to deliver and possession of drug paraphernalia. Police said Cocco had been dealing drugs for nearly a year when he was arrested in November. Officers seized crack cocaine, a digital scale and packaging materials, police said. Authorities said they caught Cocco dealing again in February. When an Allegheny County judge asked Cocco why he chose a new profession so late in life, Cocco replied, "I was trying to stay alive, your honor - pay my bills." Cocco's lawyer, Martha Bailor, told the court her client wanted to remain sexually active after his wife died three years ago, and turned to prostitutes. "He decided it's cheaper to pay for sex with crack than cash," she said. Prosecutors said they would not seek mandatory sentences if the defense agreed to a six-to-18-month jail term. The judge ordered an evaluation of Cocco's health after Bailor expressed concern about Cocco's vulnerability in jail.Cocco remains under house arrest while he awaits sentencing scheduled for Oct. 2. OK. Crack is bad, folks. But who needs crack SO BAD that they're fucking 80 YEAR OLD MEN to get some? If you're this guy, it's win-win. You're gonna die anyway, probably in the near future - hell, maybe today. So what if you catch the clap or crabs or syphilis or even AIDS? You're banging hookers who are ONE FOURTH your age! And yet, legal! Even if you get caught (which he did), you're not gonna spend a whole lot of time in jail. And even if you DO, you're getting 3 hot meals and a bed to sleep in every day. Score. When you go to Elderly Acres to hang out with your surviving friends, you can tell them with pride, "Yeah, it was good and all, but I told her to roll out after it was over. Can't have the bitch gettin' all clingy, ya know?" And if they don't believe you, park their walkers and wheelchairs across the street from your crib so they can see the hoes coming and going. They don't even have to KNOW about the crack! But truly, this was pretty dangerous for the old man, too. Prostitutes aren't the most trustworthy members of society. What would stop them from jacking him for his stash, or telling their pimps to jack him? What kind of protection did he have? You know that Rascal didn't go more than 5 mph, so there's no escape. But hey, he did it for a year, so he knew something. Godspeed, Felix Cocco. Godspeed. Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News, except the first one, which came from Reuters or whatever.


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