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Damian's Deconstructive Diatribe, 6/28/06

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Yes, yes, I know. I didn't diatribe last week. The truth is, well, I was lazy. None of the stories I had really struck a chord with me, so I just sat out, relaxed, and read everyone else's blog instead. There's no crime in that, right? And you people aren't exactly paying me to rant, so I'll take a week off if'n I feel like it from time to time. And don't you dare try to bow up at me, either - You're in Damiana now. Word. By the way, thank you all for not mentioning the Mavs. I took the losses hard, and it hurt me all the way to my soul. I had already planned on calling in with a bad case of rheumatic fever or vitiligo or leprosy, just to attend the victory parade, and instead, I'm having to relocate my Western Conference Champions banner I got from Wal-Mart over to the other, less-visible side of my cubicle wall so that haters will stop shooting Nerf darts at it. So...thank you for leaving my wounds sodium-free. Let's see what's cooking this week. ---------------------- NEW DELHI - Husbands in India have found a new way to make some extra cash - they rent out their wives to other men. Atta Prajapati rents out his wife Laxmi to a landowner for $175 US a month. She is expected to live with the man, look after him and his house, and even have sex with him. The Times of India reports that several men rent their wives to other men on a month-by-month basis. These husbands are cashing in on the shortage of single woman in India, caused by the fact that many parents abort female fetuses, preferring sons to daughters. The reason for this is because a daughter's parents usually have to pay the groom's family a dowry, which is often a big financial burden. You have to love the entrepreneurial spirit sometimes. Without it, we wouldn't have traffic lights, Gameboys, or TiVo. Or, in this case, wife rental. My question is this: if you rent your wife out to some other dude, wouldn't you then have to rent a wife yourself, just to handle all the household duties in YOUR crib? 'Cause I KNOW these men aren't doing it themselves. What if the renter gets the wife pregnant? Would that be the equivalent of adding a room onto a house you're renting? You know, ultimately, that room belongs to the landlord, even if you do sink money into it. Worse, what if the wife is doing things with the renter that she won't do with the husband? I could just see him saying "But Laxmi, I've been begging you for 3 years to do that thing with your mouth, and you did it for HIM?" Of course, she'd likely say "Well, unlike you, he had a contract. Maybe you need a better real estate agent." Paid polyamory, table for three! -------------------------- BEIJING - The Fangji Cat Meatball Restaurant in the Chinese city of Shenzhen will no longer be serving cat meat after a group of animal rights protesters barged into the business wielding banner that said "cats and dogs are friends of human beings." The demonstrators demanded the owner to free any live cats on the premises, but there were none since the owner had already moved them. However, some of the demonstrators were distraught to find a skinned cat in the fridge. "I cannot go on with my business, and I will not sell cat meat any more," the restaurant owner was quoted as saying. ... Do I even need to say anything here? I thought not. Fangji Cat Meatball Restaurant. Classic. ------------------------------ WEST VANCOUVER, British Columbia - Goldilocks and the Three Bears sort of came to life when a woman came home to discover a bear in her kitchen munching on oatmeal. The bear came through an open sliding glass door looking for a meal, and found the container of oatmeal. "It sounds like a nursery rhyme, doesn't it?" West Vancouver police Sgt. Paul Skelton said. "At least we have a health-conscious bear on our hands." The bear wouldn't move when police officers came to the home, so they let him finish eating first. Once the bear was done with its meal, it left the house and headed towards a forested gully. "It ended the best it could," Skelton said. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! As scary as this must've been for the poor lady, the shit's pretty funny, too. I bet the bear looked at her like "What? Like you're eating this. Bitch, settle. I'll be done in a minute. Oh yeah, you need some milk." I'm really surprised they didn't just shoot the bear, 'cause that's what would've happened down here in the good ol' U S of A. We don't fuck around. What did the BC officers do? Did they just ask the bear to leave? Officers: "Excuse me - exCUSE me!" Bear (sighing): "WHAT? Can't you see I'm busy? Damn! (mumbling to himself) Bear can't even eat a meal without muhfuckas all up in his grill." Officers: "We're terribly sorry - are you almost finished?" Woman: "GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!" Bear: "I'll be finished when I'm finished. And bitch, I TOLD you to settle! Swear to God, I'll knock out this oatmeal and start in on the Crunch Berries! You better chill! Oh yeah, don't go in the bathroom for 35, 45 minutes. Bring some Glade. And a plunger." --------------------- ***And since I didn't do a diatribe last week, here's some bonus coverage!*** --------------------- BOCA RATON, Fla. - Rich diners at a posh Boca Raton, Fla., restaurant can now fork over $100 for a hamburger made of beef from three different countries. Marc Sherry, owner of the Old Homestead Steak House, introduced the Tri-Beef Burger Tuesday in a ceremony fit for an extravagant patty of ground beef. A Hummer limo picked the beef up from its flight to Fort Lauderdale and TV cameras and reporters were on hand when it arrived at the restaurant, the St. Petersburg Times reports. Culled from cows raised in Colorado, Argentina and Japan, the 2 1/2-inch thick, 5 1/2- inch in diameter burger is fried in grape seed oil and topped with top-shelf vegetables and Maytag Blue cheese. First things first - since when does an appliance maker make bleu cheese? Bet that shit tastes like Tide. Second - it's "bleu" cheese, not "blue" cheese. Bleu cheese is for salad dressing. Blue cheese will kill you. I don't even eat cheese, and I know this. Third - The best hamburger in the world only costs about $10, and it's made from one kind of beef - cow. Period. No fancy names, no 3 country potpourri meat, no limo rides from the airport. Anyone who willingly pays $100 for a damn hamburger needs to be slapped around with his checkbook. Fourth - Why, someone please explain, why would you cook a hamburger in grape seed oil? Canola. Peanut. Hell, bacon grease! THIS is how you cook a burger, not in some damn fancy-pants grape seed oil. What the hell IS grape seed oil, anyway? Won't the burger taste like communion wine after you cook it? Ridiculous. Take your hungry, needing-a-burger ass down to TGI Fridays, order the Jack Daniels burger, and have an orgasm in your mouth. Well. That sounded dirty. --------------------- FJORDANE, Norway - A Norwegian man arrested Tuesday says he only struck his former girlfriend with a dildo, despite her being hospitalized with a concussion and broken bones. The 28-year-old victim remained in the hospital with two broken fingers and several cuts. According to local newspaper Firda, she told police she feared for her life during the assault, Aftenposten reported. The 37-year-old defendant appeared in the Fjordane court in the scenic western town of Nordfjordeid on Monday. He said he was sorry for his actions, and attempted to downplay the assault. "It lasted 10 to 15 minutes max," he told the court. "I didn't hit her with anything other than a dildo." He also suggested the woman may have had bruises from before the assault. Silly Norwegians. He beat her ass with a dildo. Maybe he considers that cheating, who knows. Doesn't make it ok, though. But imagine the embarrassment she has to suffer - she has to tell her friends and family that she was attacked for 10 to 15 minutes with a sex toy. What the hell kind of attachments did she have on that thing? Next time, she should remove the chain saw/nail file/hammer/pumice stone from the base, just in case someone tries to whup her with it. Domestic battery is no laughing matter, and I don't condone violence for any reason, especially against supposed loved ones. But ladies...hide your shit, OK? Don't be the chick with imprints of anal beads on your face and neck. That ain't cool. Peace. All stories come courtesy of Bizarre News. I couldn't make this shit up for money.


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