Fyrchk hates me. The Rules: 1. Go into your archive. 2. Find your 23rd post. 3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to). 4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions. 5. Tag five other people to do the same. Here's my jewel, from my "Bad Eggs and Rotten Apples" post: "There are differing levels of disgruntlement, ranging from "this place sucks" to "I'mma kill ALL you motherfuckers!!!" Now, to spread this nugget o' joy to my friends: 1. Brit 2. Genevieve ('bout time I include you in my shenanigans) 3. Arbusto (you had it coming, McRib hater ;-)) 4. Kristine 5. Mona (because, well, just because.) Bring it on, and don't drink the Haterade until after you've seen what you said. It's a fun exercise. Peace.

Dear God, Why won't you allow McDonald's to sell the McRib all the time? Why do you force them to ration out its tastiness, making me wait an unknown and unendurable amount of time between servings? Since they won't offer me a reasonable explanation, I can only assume that it's your divine will that prevents me from having the best food this side of bacon on a consistent basis. And lo, though the sandwich is loaded with polyunsaturated fats, sodium, and preservatives enough to mummify a small field rat, I want it. I want it badly. I want it daily, and I want it now. Please, in your infinite wisdom, find a way to allow Mickey D's to give me what I need. I'd hate to have to cut a fool, just to get my fix. Holla.

This is for anyone who lives in Atlanta, who has ever lived in Atlanta, has ever visited Atlanta, ever plans to visit Atlanta, knows anyone who already lives in Atlanta, or knows anyone who has ever heard of Atlanta, Georgia, also known as Hotlanta, A-Town, the Dirty South, The ATL, and The Place Where Hope Dies. I'm not hating on ATL; in fact, I kinda like that town. I have many good friends there. But that doesn't take away the fact that driving there is just slightly less difficult than understanding particle physics and comparative politics. Atlanta is composed mostly of one-way streets. The only way to get out of downtown Atlanta is to turn around and start over when you reach Greenville, South Carolina. All directions start with, "Go down Peachtree" and include the phrase, "When you see the Waffle House." Except that in Cobb County, all directions begin with, "Go to the Big Chicken", or "See that black guy running for his life? It's just past there." Peachtree Street has no beginning and no end and is not to be confused with: Peachtree Circle Peachtree Place Peachtree Lane Peachtree Road Peachtree Parkway Peachtree Run Peachtree Terrace Peachtree Avenue Peachtree Commons Peachtree Battle Peachtree Corners New Peachtree Old Peachtree West Peachtree Peachtree-Dunwoody Peachtree-Chamblee Peachtree Industrial Boulevard Atlantans only know their way to work and their way home. If you ask anyone for directions they will always send you down Peachtree. Gate One at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport is 32 miles away from the Main Concourse, so wear sneakers and pack a lunch. The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 10:30 AM. The 5pm rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:30 PM. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday afternoon and lasts through 2am Saturday. A native can only pronounce Ponce De Leon Avenue, so do not attempt the Spanish pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. The Atlanta pronunciation is "pawns duh LEE-on". The falling of one raindrop causes all drivers to immediately forget all traffic rules. If a single snowflake falls, the city is paralyzed for three days and it's on all the channels as a news flash every 15 minutes for a week. All grocery stores will be sold out of milk,bread, bottled water, toilet paper, and beer. I-285, the loop that encircles Atlanta that has a posted speed limit of 55 mph (but you have to maintain 80 mph just to keep from getting run over), is known to truckers as "The Watermelon 500." Don't believe the directional markers on highways. I-285 is marked "East" and "West" but you may be going "North" or "South". The locals identify the direction by referring to the "Inner Loop" and the "Outer Loop". If you travel on Hwy 92 North, you will actually be going southeast. Never buy a ladder or mattress in Atlanta. Just go to one of the interstates and you will soon find one in the middle of the road. The last thing you want to do is give another driver the finger, unless your car is armored, your trigger finger is itchy and your AK-47 has a full clip. Peace.

Guys, swing by my friend Laurie's blog, Beauty and the Beer. It's seriously funny. Let her know what you think. Holla, my sista! Peace.

If you've never read "The Boondocks" comic strip, you should. It's like "Doonesbury" with black people. Aaron McGruder is completely unafraid to tackle hot-button issues head-on, and his strip is constantly dropped from newspapers due to its inflammatory subject matter. However, they can't deny that's it's also funny as hell. There's a Boondocks cartoon due to premiere on Cartoon Network this fall. It oughta be ridiculously funny. Check 'em out. Save 10% off School Supplies at Discount Office Supplies Take $5 Off a large selection of popular titles at Magazines.com

All, my band Nonetheless is going to be participating in a benefit to aid the displaced Hurricane Katrina victims. The event is called Deep Relief, and if you're in the Dallas area, please come down to support us, the other bands, the organizers, and most importantly, the victims. It's taking place on Sunday, September 18, down in the Deep Ellum area of Dallas. If you're interested in seeing my band play, we we're playing the Galaxy Club, hitting the stage at around 11pm Sunday evening. All profits from merchandise sales will go directly to the relief fund. Peace. Find Cheap i-Pods at Overstock Auctions! Win a Pearl Drum Set Signed by Morgan Rose of Sevendust!!

You've all seen this scenario, especially on TV: a smoking hot woman coupled with a guy who looks like he should be fixing a leaky faucet or charging you too much to replace your alternator. And you ask yourself the same question every time: Why? How? How is it that this balding, pudgy, doughy-looking dude end up with a woman who could conceivably model for a living? Let us examine this phenomenon. Let's take two popular sitcoms, for starters. According To Jim and The King of Queens both epitomize this seemingly unrealistic setup, pairing Jim Belushi and Kevin James, two portly, non-hot guys with Courtney Thorne-Smith and Leah Remini, two total hotties. (Oh, Leah, you minx.) These guys have hit the relationship jackpot as it pertains to physical attraction, and they behave like ineffectual, boorish louts without any trace of jealousy or insecurity directed toward their hot wives. It's not just restricted to the sitcom world....there's a Geico commercial, for example, where the dopey husband is reading the paper at the dinner table, and his hot wife comes out wearing a nice evening dress, asking him if she looks fat in that outfit. (Ladies, never do this. Never, ever. It puts us guys in a precarious position, especially if you really do look fat in that dress. See, we want to have sex with you later, and we have no idea how to answer this question without endangering the potential poontang (or poonanny, depending on your alliterative preferences.)) Even in real life, I'm sure you know someone, some goofy-ass dude with about as much game as an epileptic Steve Urkel, who has somehow snagged an extra from The O.C. How in the hell does this happen? Let's explore:

1. Insecurity. Not on the guy's part, but on the girl's. Make that raging insecurity. Sometimes very attractive women, despite their obvious attributes, feel inadequate or undeserving, and the dopey guy has the opportunity to swoop in, show them some real attention and affection that perhaps extends beyond "nice rack", and land themselves a prize catch. The downside is that these women may also have other issues, and those lucky guys are now the lovely recipient of some brand new baggage. Some girls have so much baggage, it's luggage.
2. Inapproachability. I have this friend Karla who I've known since college. Karla is gorgeous. Tall, statuesque, olive-toned, shapely, and she's one of the smartest and sweetest people I know. And she's very secure. But she had all sorts of trouble getting dates in college because of her beauty. Guys were too intimidated, afraid of the rejection that they just knew was coming. The only guys with enough confidence to consistently approach her were short, Napoleonic guys with no shame and even less to lose. For them, she had a very standard response: (holding her hand at about breast level) "You must be at least THIS tall to get on this ride." Too damn funny.
3. Good luck. Sometimes, a guy just gets lucky. Hot chick just broke up with her equally-hot-but-emotionally-distant boyfriend, and karmic timing allows Goofball to take advantage of this job opening by being a good friend and confidant, or by showing the right amount of compassion at the exact right time. You can spot these couples a mile away, because the guy can't stop smiling and putting his girlfriend up for display. Sometimes you can spot it in the woman, who'll at times wear an expression that says "I shouldn't have done this, but he is a nice guy, and he works for the post office, so his benefits are great." These relationships can last 3 weeks, or 40 years.
4. Bad luck. Hot girl (HG) goes to bar or party. Dopey guy (DG) is at same location. HG proceeds to get all kinds of drunk. Tore up from the floor up. DG runs his substandard game on her. HG, either out of boredom, drunkenness, or pity, decides to humor him. They end up going to his place, and have mild, unrewarding sex (for her). She sobers up, realizes what she's done, and showers for about an hour and a half. Six weeks later, the pee strip shows a plus instead of a minus. DG also happens to be RG, or Responsible Guy. He wants to be a father to his child. HG wants a whole family, despite the circumstances. HG and DG end up together. You may laugh, but I have a close personal friend for whom this exact scenario took place. It didn't last.

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This is one of my favorite things to do. I'm gonna post some interesting news stories, and then comment on them. (This is what I do when I've got no material, and don't wanna get heavy and discuss the hurricane.) Enjoy! -----

LOS ANGELES - When a customer at the Dream Girls Cabaret  
refused a lap dance from a topless dancer, the stripper  
pulled out a knife and stabbed him. Lawanda Dixon was  
arrested for assault with a deadly weapon after the alter-  
cation with Melik Jordan early on Wednesday. "He was in the  
club with some friends watching the shows when she came up  
and asked if he wanted a lap dance," San Diego police Det.  
Gary Hassen said. "He said no, she got upset about it, they  
argued back and forth. She pulled knife out of her bag and  
stabbed him."  

NEW ZEALAND - Hastings police say that a 19-year-old thief   
is lucky to be alive. The cops were called to a farm around   
2 a.m., after a man was seen trying to steal gasoline from   
a vehicle. However, the thief had a flaw in his brilliant   
plan. He was using a cigarette lighter to see what he was   
doing. The flame got a little to close to the gas fumes and   
the car went up in flames. The man was lucky that he didn't   
blow himself up, say police. He has been charged with theft.   

EDISON, N.J. - A New Jersey adult store that once sent 100  
sex toys to Iraqi women has launched a food drive offering  
free porn in exchange for canned food. Playtime in Edison,  
N.J., conducted "Operation Vibration" last year to help the  
"suppressed" women of Iraq and its latest effort, "Food 4  
Porn" seeks to help the needy closer to home, the Newark  
Star-Ledger reports. "There are people starving in the U.S.  
It's abominable, it's just not right," Playtime owner  
Deirdre Krasner told the Star-Ledger. However, Krasner said,  
her effort to change the image of porn shops is not being  
welcomed by everyone. Several area charities refused her  
offer of canned food, she said.