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Dark Damian News II

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Ok. As you well know by now, gentle reader, I'm not one for much self-reflection in my blog. For me, it's not a journal - it's an outlet for the random thoughts that pass through my mind at any given time. Therefore, you'll rarely see an outburst of emotion or a revelation of any deep, dark secret from me, which is what makes this posting unique. Actually, it doesn't make it unique, 'cause I'm not about to start doing that shit, either. I'm going to play to my strengths, stay in my wheelhouse, and try to inform even as I make you shoot water out of your nose from laughter. And in keeping with that fine, grand tradition, I bring you...the news. Enjoy! ----- EDINBURGH, Scotland - The Bible is being rewritten in limericks by an Anglican priest in Scotland. The new rhyming Bible will be published next month, the Scotsman reported Thursday. "I believe that all poetry -- that is pure, primitive or profound -- is a gift to us so that we may receive enjoyment, encouragement and a deeper experience of God," said Biblical poet Peter Wallis, who serves the West Sussex villages of Yapton, Ford and Clymping. Wallis will introduce his new limerick version of the Holy Book during the Christian Resources Exhibition, which opens Oct. 13 at the Royal Highland Centre. There once was a priest full of liquor Who thought rhyming bibles read quicker In spite of the laughter And the shame that came after His drunken slur got a lot thicker. (Yeah, I know that one was kinda stupid, but let's see you whip out a topical limerick on the fly. Go on. I dare you. I double-dog dare you. Yeah, that's what I thought.) ----- MUNCIE, Ind. - Once filled with desks, bookshelves, and lockers, a former Muncie school building is now home to a six-person hot tub, a multi-person shower and "sensually designed theme rooms." What was once a place for children to learn is now a place for adults to hook up. The building has been transformed into Klub Layden, a swingers club. A woman who identifies herself as a manager says they haven't gotten any complaints from neighbors, but Muncie officials suggest the club could violate zoning laws. And local religious leaders aren't too happy about it either. The woman said that their members are discreet, and are advised to bring their own liquor and birth control. See, why didn't they do this to my high school? You know, when I was a student? That woulda made detention so much more interesting. Seriously though, swingers are icky. Sure, the brochure looks nice, but it ain't Cinemax in real life. In real life, it's 40-50 year old, overweight, pasty white people looking to score at any cost. A friend of mine is tangentially attached to the local swinger scene (she's not a swinger herself, but she sometimes crosses paths with them), and she's in her 30s. When she walks into the room, she becomes the Golden Unicorn - the most attractive, sought-after person in the joint, by far. And while the idea of being the most popular kid in class sounds good, it's really not good when the class is comprised of twinkie-sucking librarians with fuzzy handcuffs in their back pockets. ----- FARGO, N.D. - If you're told by authorities to leave someone alone, it probably won't help your case to videotape yourself having sex with that person and handing it over to police. Justin W. Fraase thought he could get a protection order lifted by secretly taping himself having sex with a woman he was supposed to leave alone. He expected the video would show that the woman didn't fear him, but he was wrong. "He obviously didn't watch it before he gave it to us," Lt. Tod Dahle said. The video includes sounds of the woman struggling and makes it clear that the sex was not consensual. "He provides us the videotape and doesn't realize that there's all this evidence on there that ends up putting him in jail on all these felony charges," Dahle said. "So basically he arrested himself." HAHAHAHAHAHA! Let me get this straight: he attempted to get a protection order against a woman lifted by filming himself having non-consensual sex with her? Jesus Christ, just when I think stupidity hits the bottom of the barrel, it breaks out mining gear and starts digging. This isn't a funny story - for all intents and purposes, he raped this woman on film, and that's totally reprehensible - but my God, how does it enter your brain that this is the correct course of action? How many Natural Lights did it take for him to come up with THIS as a solution to his problem? And what did he do next? Run the tape down to police HQ and say "Lookee here. She wants me. Now lift that order so me and her can go eat at Waffle House."? I hope he's good at grabbing his own ankles, 'cause I think he's got a lot of that coming to him. -----

WEST DES MOINES, Iowa - Friday was a big day for an Iowa man 
who was born in Kenya: Moses Bittok became a U.S. citizen 
and found out he won the $1.89 million Hot Lotto jackpot. 
Hurricane Rita played a part in Bittok's fortune since he 
bought the ticket at a West Des Moines, Iowa, gas station 
while topping off his car Wednesday to avoid higher prices. 
Bittok, 40, checked the ticket Friday evening, the same 
day he became a U.S. citizen. He had to wait until Monday 
to claim his $1.89 million prize from the Hot Lotto game 
played in seven states. He and wife Leonida elected to take 
payments for 25 years, which comes to $52,920 annually after 
taxes. "This is almost like a shock at first -- you don't 
believe it," Bittok told the Des Moines (Iowa) Register. "I 
guess only in America." 

This just makes me sad. I've been a citizen for 33 years, and all I've
won is a couple of scratch-offs and a free large fries from McDonalds.
My only question is, what the hell is a naturalized Kenyan doing living
in Des Moines, Iowa? Talk about sticking out like a sore thumb. I sometimes
talk about me being the only chocolate chip in the cookie, due to the fact that I'm
usually the only black person in my circle, but this guy's the only chocolate
chip in the STATE. Have you ever been to Iowa? Me neither. But I bet it's
whiter than France's surrender flag.
San Mateo County, Calif. - A 27-year-old pregnant woman got 
so frustrated during an argument with her 18-year-old boy- 
friend that she stabbed him with a kitchen knife. Maria 
Islas is in jail after the stabbing incident that occurred 
during a fight with her boyfriend about her nutritional 
choices. Islas's boyfriend is being treated for stab wounds 
to his right lung and liver, but is expected to recover. 
Islas, three months pregnant by her boyfriend, allegedly 
grabbed a serrated kitchen knife and stabbed him in the 
abdomen. At the man’s request, Islas called 911 and later 
was arrested by San Mateo County sheriffs.

All I can say to this is "Damn." 27-year-old woman dating an
18-year-old boy? Yes, boy - he's not a man until he has to pay
bills. What's that all about? And why was there a need to stab
the poor kid? Perhaps he tried to talk her out of eating her third
pizza of the day. Or maybe he wanted to have some Pop-Tarts,
too. But damn, to grab a serrated knife and run him through? That's
excessive. Here's the kicker, for me: she called 911 at HIS request!
As though stabbing a guy in the lungs and liver aren't enough on their
own to warrant such a drastic move. What was she saying?

Her: "Get up, bitch. You always act like such a damn baby."
Him: [gurgling sounds]
Her: "I didn't stab you THAT hard. I stabbed Jesse twice as hard as
that, and he WALKED to the ER."
Him: [gurgling sounds, feeble point toward cordless phone]
Her: "Oh, so you wanna make a call now? You can't talk to me,
but you can talk to someone else? I see how it is."
Him: [gurgling sounds, forming the numbers 9, 1, and 1 with his hands]
Her: "You are such a little pansy. Fine. I'll call 'em. And when they get here,
they'll tell you you're a punk-ass."

She's a keeper, I think. After 5-10 years, of course.


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