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The Unloved Roommate, Part 3

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Still more tales from Calhoun Courts...check out the first and second stories for more background. Salt Tea Blinders had a girlfriend, Harpy. Harpy was somewhat attractive, but any beauty she had was negated by her personality. I’ve seen snapping turtles with more charm than she possessed. However, she did have an apartment, and that meant Blinders spent many nights over there. Whenever she would come over, Crony and Radial would put on a particular 2 Live Crew CD and blast it through Crony’s state-of-the-art Onkyo system. I don’t know the title of the track, but the chorus went “Get the fuck out, get the fuck out, get the fuck out my house…BITCH!” As soon as she set foot in the apartment, they would start blasting this. Every. Single. Time. She was none-too-bright…every time she would ask “Are y’all playing that ‘cause I’m in here?” And they’d say no, they just liked the song…a lot…whenever she came over. And she totally bought it. Blinders suspected a more sinister motive, but he was just happy they weren't on his ass. One day while the happy couple was at her place, the boys decided to play a joke on them. Harpy kept powdered Nestea at our apartment, which we weren’t allowed to touch. We were told this in grave tones from Blinders himself, and he even had a hint of "or else" in his li'l speech. Whatever. Radial stole a salt shaker from the east campus cafeteria, and they dumped the ENTIRE shaker into her powdered tea, which they then shook up to hide the evidence. When B-Real and Harpy came over, she immediately made a pitcher for her and Blinders to drink - and, naturally, offered us none. Awesome. It would've been difficult finding a credible reason to not drink the tea. They went into the room we shared and closed the door. We wait...the boys were like kids on Christmas Eve, and I was just chillin'. After all, I didn't have a hand in the prank. Five minutes later, Blinders came out, furious. “Which one of you put salt in the tea?!?!” Radial and Crony looked at each other, feined surprise and shock, and then simultaneously pointed at me. As if they'd planned it. Oh wait, maybe they DID plan it! It was a setup! THEY THREW ME UNDER THE BUS!!! That’s what I get for being a freshman. Blinders gave me the fish eye, and went all Et Tu, Brute on me. He said “Them, I expect this from…but YOU?” I didn’t contest…the look on his face alone made it worth catching the blame for it. Besides, as those things went, that prank wasn’t that bad. An Assinine Prank There were times when the boys would fuck with Blinders for no reason at all. When they were bored or drunk, they would just torture the poor man mercilessly. One night, he was out studying for a final. The rest of us were at home, doing the same thing, when Crony looked at Radial and said “I’m bored.” Oh, shit. I quickly went into my room and climbed into my top bunk to avoid getting splashed by their stupidity. After about 5 minutes of whispers and giggles, they ran into the room I shared with B-Rabbit, with their pants around their knees. Sweet merciful Jesus, what are these inbreeds doing now, I wondered. They threw back his blanket and sheets, laughed, and crammed his pillows in their asses! IN THEIR ASSES! Even for them, this was too much. I told them they had crossed the line, and that this prank wasn't funny. Apparently when I spoke, Swahili came out, because they responded by looking at me as if English was my second language. They walked around the apartment stinking up his pillows for about 10 minutes or so, making sure they sat down on every available surface. Then they neatly placed the pillows back on his bed, just the way he left them. I was faced with a moral dilemma: do I tell Blinders what they did, and risk drawing their ire and getting some nasty payback from the boys? Not to mention the fact that I would then be omitted from all future pranks. Or do I leave it be, and let Blinders wallow his face into his ass-flavored pillows? What do you think I did? I’m not stupid. I kept my damn mouth shut. If Blinders can’t smell man-ass in his pillows, that’s his olfactory problem, not mine. My pillows remained refreshingly ass-free. He came home about an hour later, walked into the room, dropped his book bag on his desk, and dove into bed as usual, face-first into his pillows. I had to leave the room, because when you’re trying to stifle laughter, others in the area tend to get curious as to why. When I reached the living area, Radial and Crony looked at me, and burst out laughing, which naturally made me start laughing, too. Blinders walked into the room with a contemptuous look on his face and said, “Could you assholes keep it down? I’m trying to sleep.” Assholes, eh? If he only knew. We never told him about the prank. It was much funnier watching him wallow in the pillows and then giggling like schoolgirls.


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